By Aunty Julie

Dear Aunty Julie,

My dad and I always have issues in our father/son relationship. Whenever I talk to him, I usually end up frustrated. And I don’t know how to stop getting so worked up over it. It’s usually him telling me something, like in a way, giving me advice or telling me his opinion on something that I’m doing, or telling me something about what someone else has done and just trying to teach me something. I usually describe it as a lecture. One that I didn’t sign up for.

Love

There are times that I actually decide to listen, and it’s these times that I get so worked up. When I told him about how I get frustrated when I talk to him , one of the things he said was along the lines of, “you don’t need to get so frustrated”. I know I don’t like my dad because I get so prickly over anything he says plus I kind of try to avoid him, limit any time we can talk to each other which can make me feel kind of guilty because I know he means well. But, this doesn’t stop the fact that he gets on my nerves and how I don’t like talking to him.

It’s great when I don’t care and I’m not listening and just want him to finish talking. But, I don’t think I’m always going to be like that. Randomly, I’d decide that I want to actually hear him out but I get so worked up afterward that it’s difficult for me to concentrate on other things. That’s annoying!

Now, what I want to understand is, does dislike naturally go away? Is it entirely up to me to stop myself from getting frustrated? How do I stop myself from getting so bothered?

Bidemi, Lagos

Hello, Bidemi,

I think it’s great you’re taking the time to consider your reactions to your dad and what might be causing them. It’s probably a lot more than just the words he says and it’s likely your frustrations happen almost instantly, as if on ‘alert’ for any lecturing. Firstly, it’s very normal for a young person to be frustrated, embarrassed or angry by what their parents say. After all, parents seem so out of touch!

You might feel he doesn’t understand you, isn’t supportive of you, or doesn’t give you the independence you need. The important thing to remember is that your dad is probably trying to do these things, but in a different way to what you want. Have you tried to tell him how you feel? Imagine in your head the way you would like him to talk to you and then tell him your suggestions. If your dad does mean well, as you say, he will listen to you.

We can love people and be annoyed or dislike them at the same time. When you find these negative feelings to take over, remind yourself of positive memories with your dad and your relationship with him. This could be as small as him driving you somewhere or saying goodnight before you go to bed. Think of something you would like to do with your dad and let him know. Spending positive time with him may also help decrease your feelings of dislike.

When we are angry or frustrated, we often react rather than respond. This means we do and say things without thinking and often end up regretting it or feeling guilty. When we respond, we have had time to not let our emotions take over. It might help to try to respond to your dad rather than react. So when you are recognising yourself getting worked up, stop, take a deep breath and either tell yourself some calming words in your head or take some time out by yourself.

Lastly, sometimes it’s just best to let it all out! Call a friend, talk to another family member and express your feelings. This lets out the frustrations and helps us calm down.