Dear Bunmi, when my brother’s wife walked out on their marriage three years ago, I supported my brother and his two children because he was in the midst of a bitter separation. 

He seemed to be in a stupor, while his wayward wife cheated on him and neglected the children.

In the end, our mother had to take over caring for the children and I’ve been helping by purchasing foodstuffs and clothes. 

Now I’m receiving harassing phone calls from my ungrateful sister-in-law. I want to be there for my nephews, but I can’t put up with this ungrateful sister-in-law anymore.

Dear Bunmi, do I let my brother’s life fall apart, or do I compel him to be a man and file for divorce so his family can easily support him? 

Dejare, by e-mail.

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Dear Dejare,

Your brother is letting you work harder than he is at managing his life because he sees that you’ll be there to take over. 

By cleaning up his mess, paying his bills, feeding his children, and fulfilling all his major responsibilities, you’ve taught him that it’s okay to skip out on his duties.

One thing you need to realise is that you are not your brother’s keeper. You’re falling victim to what is termed an emotional extortion.  Your brother knows you don’t want his children to suffer, that is why he manipulates you into doing what he ought to do himself.

   Stop allowing that to happen and confront him.  Let him know that his wife’s irresponsible conduct is no reason for him to shirk his responsibilities.  In fact, her deficiencies make it all the more important that he should do everything that’s required of him; such as buying food and clothing and seeking for a proper divorce.

Your compassion is commendable, but you can’t act as a surrogate parent and let your brother exploit you.  No father worth his salt would fail to step up and protect his children.

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