By Bunmi Sofola

‘Most times, lying with my hubby and watching him sleep on his back, beer belly rising and falling with each snore, he doesn’t look appetising in the least, especially with his treble chin and bald head.  I am starting to find him repulsive….’

Melisa looked so forlorn as she told me about the state of her marriage that I had to laugh. She wasn’t amused.  I reminded her they’d just been married 12 years and it was a bit early for her to start being resentful.  She has two adorable kids and a well-heeled husband who gave her and the children virtually everything they wanted….

“But what about meaningful sex, aunty?”  She wanted to know.  Seun was fit and energetic when we got married with a body to die for.  Now he’s flabby and unattractive, and his weight has more than doubled,” she wailed, “the only thing that hasn’t changed is his personality.  He’s still kind and loving with a good sense of humour.  Trouble is, I just don’t fancy him any more.  I want rippling muscles – not rippling fat!”  I warned her to be extremely careful.  After escaping the seven-year ‘itch,’ maybe 12 years is when her marriage starts showing signs of being in a rut – she should strive for both of them to get out of it.

“I don’t know about Seun,” she said smugly, “but I’m trying my best to do just that.  As a matter of fact, I’ve met someone at work.  His name is Ephraim, and he was a technician we briefly used at work.  Though he is single, he knows he’s nothing but a bit-on-the-side.  And he’s so sexy.  Instead of the usual boxers, he wears clinging Lycra cycling shorts which makes him deadly sexy.  It is easy to get away to meet him as Seun works really late now he’s been promoted to management level.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Seun, but sex with Ephraim is like an icing on the cake….”

I told her she was treading on very dangerous grounds but she just laughed.  Months later, she came running back to me.  “It is Seun,” she said, a bit frightened, “it is as if he suspects I’m having an affair.  Last night he came outright to ask why we never seem to make love any more.  That I couldn’t get away quickly enough whenever he touched me.  I told him not to be silly, that I loved him, which I do, but that I was always a bit tired.”  ‘Is it because I’ve put on a lot of weight?’ he asked me…. ‘Don’t worry about that.  My new post means I could join any club I want and I have joined one with an impressive gym.  You could come along too if you like, so we could get healthy together.’

“I assured him I would help him to lose weight.  But there’s another weight I have to lose – and that’s Ephraim.  He is cute, but Seun is the man I love.  I’m seeing Ephraim tonight.  He’s had enough fun and it’s time to let go …”  Well, it wasn’t as easy as she thought.  When we met some days later, she told me; ‘That Ephraim is a lunatic.  As soon as we settled down to our favourite meal at the restaurant where we usually went first before sex, I told him I wanted to call it a day, that my husband could be dangerous now he was suspicious.  I thought he’d be fine with my decision, after all we both knew all we could have was fun, no strings sex.  But his face changed.  You can’t just dump me like that,’ he fumed.  ‘I really love you.’  I was shocked.  ‘Look’, I told him gently.  ‘You’re a lovely man, but I want to concentrate on my marriage.’

“He glared angrily at me.  ‘Oh really?’ be spat.  ‘You should have thought of that before!  ‘With that, he stormed out of the door.  I felt sick and shaken.  But at least it was done and over with.  Thank goodness I hadn’t given him my address – he only had my mobile number.  So I kept that turned off when I was at home.  As soon as I switched it on the next day, there were pleading text messages from him and more kept on pinging.  I erased them all.  He had to understand we were now history.  And as Seun’s flab began to melt, his treble chin slimmed down and his beer belly shrunk.  I found myself thinking about Ephraim less and less.

“Then last Saturday when I was vacuuming, there was a knock at the door.  I was irritated thinking Seun had forgotten his keys again.  He’d nipped out to the gym to meet a few friends.  Only pulling open the door, I found Ephraim glaring at me.  ‘Now I’ve finally tracked you down,’ he snarled. 

‘Why have you been ignoring my text messages?’ I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears, was he mad?  ‘You have to go,’ I yelled at him, terrified Seun would arrive any minute, ‘I’ve told you it’s over’.

“I tried to shut the door in his face, but he went berserk.  Booting the front door open, he pushed his way into the flat.  ‘I love you Melisa,’ he wailed, ‘and I’m not leaving your house until you admit you love me too.’  His eyes were bulging.  He looked really demented.  If I didn’t get him out of the flat soon, Seun would come back and find out about everything.  ‘Ok, Ok’, I shouted at him, desperate, ‘I love you too, now go!” he calmed down and eventually left, but not before issuing an ultimatum!  ‘Start seeing me again’ he threatened, ‘or I’ll tell your husband everything.’ I told him to get lost!

Since then, I haven’t seen him, not even at work since he knows where my office is.  But every time the doorbell rings, I’m edgy, terrified it’s him.

Seun is now looking great and our marriage is the best it’s been for a long time.  I just pray Ephraim doesn’t come back and ruin it all.  Why are some men so childish?  A single girl that goes out with a married man doesn’t believe it would be a happy-ever-after relationship.  So why can’t a married woman do the same with the hope that the man would be grateful for a few free bunks?”  Shows you how naive some people are, I reminded her that she must know of a few men whose bits-on-the-side had turned to second wives they never really bargained for.  And if a young married woman is having an affair, she’s sending the signal her marriage is not happy and what gullible lover wouldn’t think he might just be better than her husband – enough to take her away from him!

Want To Write A Letter Of Condolence? This Is How

IF a friend’s partner dies, it’s hard to know what to say.  But saying nothing at all could give them the impression you don’t care.  So what should you do?  Writer Caroline Doughty lost her partner six years ago.  Now based on her experiences, and those of others who have also been bereaved – she has written a book that aims to help.  She says there are a number of good reasons for putting pen to paper to write a letter of condolence.  “When someone you care about loses someone like their partner,” she explains, “an e-mail of text message simply isn’t enough.”

She also points out that if your friend can’t face reading it straight away they can wait until they feel ready.  And once they have read it, they can re-read it whenever they want.  Receiving a letter can be a great comfort to someone who is bereaved, she said.  “Many people keep all the letters and cards they received in a box so they can go back to them at a later date and read them again and again.  Don’t worry if you don’t write in the first week – do it anyway.  Writing after the funeral has taken place is also fine.  It’s nice for the bereaved to hear that a funeral or memorial service was appreciated by friends and relatives.”

One of Caroline’s suggestions is to use plain writing paper or if you choose to send a card, select a blank one.  She says that sending cards with messages such as: “thinking of you,” can make it look as if you didn’t know what to say.  Choosing the right words can be hard, but by sticking to some simple guidelines, you can avoid saying the wrong thing.  So what is the right thing to write?  She suggests: “Tell your friend that you were saddened to hear about the death of their partner.  Use the partner’s name, say what they meant to you – what a good friend they were, or how much fun.