Dear Bunmi,

A FEW weeks ago, I went to take my girl friend for a romantic dinner and found her in bed, having sex with another man. I am 27 and she is 25. Before this happened I sort of sensed that we were growing apart. When I asked her, she wasn’t willing to tell me what was wrong, so I decided to surprise her with dinner at a new restaurant we’d both admired. I thought we could sort out our differences over a romantic evening. But when I walked into her flat, I spotted a man’s jacket and shoes on the sofa.

There were also noises from the bedroom. When I opened the door, I was faced with the average man’s worst nightmare – my lover and another man wrapped up in each other’s arms – they didn’t even see me! I slammed the door, ran out and drove off in tears. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. For two days, I heard nothing from her. Then she rang and asked if we could talk. She pleaded with me to drop by at her flat and, in the end, I reluctantly agreed. She’d prepared my favourite dish and was all sweet and lovely, like nothing had happened. She did tell me she was sorry but didn’t realise just how much she’d hurt me.

After dinner, we had some wine and started getting romantic. We ended up in bed and I have to confess the sex was fantastic. I still love her to bits and think we can work past her cheating. I believe it is still possible to trust her but my friends say I’m mad to get back with her. What do you think.
Detola, by e-mail.

Dear Detola,
All you had from your cheating girlfriend was a half-hearted apology and you’re no closer to understanding why she cheated. Just because you had great sex afterwards doesn’t make it okay. Why are your friends warning you off getting back with her? What do they know that you don’t?

Trusting her blindly is not enough. She needs to understand your feelings and you need to understand what led her to stray. For this to work, you both need to agree to communicate better and be more honest about your feelings. If you pretend all is well because you’re besotted with her, she’ll walk all over you again and strip you of your self-esteem.