By Bunmi Sofola

A couple of months ago, Agnes, a close friend called at my place and we decided on the spur of the moment to pay Bose a visit.  A social friend of several years, Bose’s husband left her over a year ago for a younger woman.  Most men who have affairs keep the first wife and install their bits-on-the side turned ‘wife’ in a cosy flat.  But not Bose’s husband.  He would rather live with his new found love full time because she was not the second-fiddle type!

As to be expected, Bose was devastated and had sunk into depression – barely running her hairdressing salon: and had stopped socialising because she thought every one would be laughing at her.  I urged her not to be silly.  She wouldn’t be the first wife to be thrown over for a younger model, but she wouldn’t listen, preferring to sit around her house, mopping, obsessing about gray hairs and wrinkles.

• My hubby mysteriously disappeared after meeting lover in hotel — Ibadan housewife

How ridiculous can you get?  With her flawless ebony skin and her well-groomed hair, she was still a looker.  She was in her 40s afterall, but she couldn’t let any of her friends convince her she still had a lot of mileage in her: “Who’d want me with three children?”, she’d moan.

“Look at all those young girls with their sophisticated looks.  Why would a man want a wrinkly old bag!”

My heart sank when Bose let us in and we saw the defeated look in her eyes.  “I just wish a decent man would toast her.”  Agnes whispered as soon as she left to go to the kitchen.  That was when I got my bright idea.  A younger friend was having her birthday party in a couple of weeks and I insisted Bose should come with us.  I didn’t take no for an answer.  Instead, I offered to come and take her myself.  

I told Agnes of my plan on our way home and she gave a hoot of approval

I had a seminar and this gorgeous forty-something foot-loose and fancy free guy was a participant.  He fancies himself a lady’s man and had even propositioned me a few times.  He told me arrogantly he’s in-between live-in-lovers.  Now, if I could just persuade him to come to the party and cheer Bose up, make her feel like a million dollars, it should lift her spirit no end.  Kay was a bit wide-eyed when I told him my plan, especially the bit about not letting Bose know it was a set-up.  “Why?” he wanted to know.  “Is she ugly?”  He refused to be a party to the scheme until I promised him I owed him one.  He quickly brightened up.

Come the day of the party and I was really pleased that Bose had made an effort.  Who knows, Kay might just discover Bose was up his street!  An hour or so after we arrived, I saw Kay amongst some of the guests, chatting away as if he was invited.  I didn’t let on to Agnes in case she gave the game away.  Casually, I nudged Bose.  “That man over there’s been staring at you as soon as we came in.”  I lied.  “Don’t be silly,” she said, looking really interested.  When I pointed him out to her, she visibly brightened.  Agnes quickly twigged on to what was going on and gave me a conspiratorial wink.  I ignored her.

“Heh, What’s up”  Kay said cheerfully as he sauntered over.  He plunked himself on an empty chair opposite Bose and drawled; “Aren’t you going to introduce your friends?”  I introduced Agnes and shook my head at his discreet inquisitive look.  So, now he knew who his quarry was!  He was a born flirt.  He complemented Bose on her glowing skin and told her about his job as a banker.  He wanted to know Bose’s current bankers, trying to convince her to switch to his bank.  “Why don’t I call at the Salon on Monday to discuss the possibilities with you,” he offered.  Bose lapped it up and promptly gave him her card.  He took her hand and kissed the back of it.  “You know you’re  a very attractive woman,” he purred.  Bose actually perked up.  Then he quietly left.  

“Well, well,” I smirked, “you see: you’ve still got what it takes.”  “Oh go on,” Bose laughed, “he was just being friendly,” but she didn’t stop being her jovial self through the rest of the party.  Mr. Smoothy was waiting for me when I got to the office on Monday.  ‘How did I do’ he said cockily.  “For once I had to thank him for a job well done.”  (Remember, you owe me one” he said.  What kinds of payment would he be expecting?

For the next few days, Kay kept on irritating me with tales of his conquest and how the best favour I could do myself was go out with him – if only once!  Talk about robbing the cradle!  In the meantime, there were a few missed calls on my mobile from Bose.  Instead of calling her back however, I decided to pay her a visit: a follow-up to my match-making project!  I was shocked to see Bose her despondent self again.  

“Kay didn’t call at the salon as he said he would,” she moaned.  “I knew he wouldn’t, he was just stringing me along.”  Silly me.  I hadn’t thought of what would happen after Kay took Bose’s card.  Thank goodness she didn’t know I knew him.  “Could it be he lost your card?”  I offered.  But she wouldn’t have any of that.  “Maybe he prefers them young like other men do.  I must have looked an old bag to him…” on and on she went.  In the end, I had to console her that someone else was bound to come along.  But she couldn’t be comforted no matter how hard I tried.

Kay refused to consider going to the salon for a follow-up, or anywhere else for that matter.  As far as he was concerned, he had fulfilled his part of the project to meet Bose.  “She’s not my type,” he reasoned, and there is no point leading her on.  Who knows, you and I might one day get together and how would it look if I were bonking her and you together?  “You wish, I muttered.  The man he finds the indifferent prey a challenge.

I don’t know why Kay can’t be like most men who don’t often look gift horses in the mouth.  Thanks to him, I haven’t been able to muster enough courage to look in on Bose as I used to do once in a while.  When I eventually do, I just pray she would have found herself the right man to ring her bell.  Otherwise the ghost of my botched match-making effort will hunt me for a long time!

Is it possible to have a happily-ever-after divorce?!

Can the end of a marriage ever be something you can get over?  

According to a relationship counsellor, “Going through a divorce, is a taxing time where emotions run high.  There may be custody battles, housing crisis and countless financial issues to contend with.  All this causes a ticking time bomb.  And the fallout can leave you wanting to cut your ex out of your life for good.  But circumstances don’t always allow that, particularly if there are children involved.  And besides, it doesn’t have to be that way.  We just have to look at celebs to see cases of couples not only divorcing amicably, but staying friends afterwards.”

And to help you do just that, here are five secrets experts swear could help you towards having a happy-ever divorce:

*Don’t rush:  When the anger, confusion, regret and sadness have subsided, friendship can grow from the seed of love that was once there.  But it’s important to allow yourself time to grieve the end of this chapter.

If you can’t avoid speaking to your ex during this time – for example about issues relating to your children – then stick to the topic at hand.  Don’t address anything that causes further distress.  If you have mutual friends, ask that they don’t plan event where both of you will attend.

*Assemble a break-up support team:   Surround yourself with people who will keep you feeling positive.  Talking to others about how you’re feeling will help stop negative emotions festering – which could otherwise lead to physical and mental health problems.  It’ll also help you to be level headed when dealing with your ex-partner.

*Be kind to you:   Focus on what you want.  Think how you want to live your new life.  Travel, eat new foods and broaden your horizon – it can help improve your relationships with others, including your ex.

*See the bigger picture:   Try not to view the divorce as a failure.  Psychologist Seth Meyers says:  “Too often, men and women end relationships and feel they made a mistake in choosing the partner they committed to in the past because the relationship didn’t work.  But such a perspective betrays the bigger picture – that relationships are one of life’s greatest classrooms, and are how we figure out what we need and how to move closer to true fulfilment.  “Forging a friendship with your ex can be a healing experience and allows for important integration of your past with the present.”

*Be realistic:    You and your ex-spouse will never share the level of closeness that you once had, and it’ll take time to forge a friendship.  But in the long run, it’ll be worth it.  If the hurt and anger can be overcome, there’s great comfort in keeping an ex-husband in your life.

Perhaps he’s the only one who knows how excited you were when you had a baby together.  A truly healthy friendship is a sign the relationship was built on closeness and mutual respect.  It means that despite the relationship ending, it was the kind worth repeating in future.