It was one of the few weddings I just had to attend.  Feeling a bit bored, I turned off, mentally calculating other things that needed my attention when the Reverend Father climbed onto the pulpit to give his wedding sermon.

  Yawn…Then I sat up when he said pompously that the best way to keep the furnace of love burning in a marriage was to have sex, not as often as the couple wanted, but as often as the man did!  Even if he didn’t seem quite interested, the wife should offer it on a platter! 

I took a curious look at the preacher and the glee with which he carried on left no doubt as the sort of sexual demands he must have put on his poor wife during the 20 odd years of their marriage.  He looked really smug, as he carried on about the main duty of a wife to the husband.

It is sad that in this day and age, there are mothers who, just like this preacher, warn their daughters never to say no to their husband’s demands in the bedroom no matter how reluctant they feel at the moment when sex is being demanded. 

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The poor wife is to just lie there like a piece of meat and grit her teeth for the duration of the assault on her person!  Shortly after this ‘sermon on the mount’, I had a visit from Jonpo, now in her late 30s and on the verge of divorce.  Her reason – the husband’s insatiable appetite for sex. 

According to her: “We both met at the same law firm where we once worked and we had a lot in common.  When I got pregnant a year after we started dating, we decided to get married.  I gave birth to our lovely son almost immediately after the wedding, then everything began to change.

“It was obvious we had different sex drives.  Where mine was normal, my new husband’s was obsessive and compulsive.  He constantly pestered me for sex, groping me and putting his hand down my bra.  I was a bit embarrassed. 

Was this the same man that was a complete gentleman when we were courting?  When I became pregnant a few years later, he actually came with me to my doctor’s when I was six months gone to find out if it was safe for us to continue to have sex. 

It was all he thought about.  I didn’t have an easy birth this time around and needed an emergency caesarean. I was still recovering from surgery a few days later when my husband bought me sexy under-wears-inappropriate gifts considering the stitches were still in!

“As time went on, his desire for sex became relentless and suffocating.  He had girlie magazines opened on suggestive pages and left them on the bed.  He even suggested we should film each other having sex with his I-phone. 

He had a one track mind and I was sick and tired of him complaining all the time that I was starving him of sex.  The love I once felt for him was evaporating fast.  I didn’t even want him to touch me and he started accusing me of seeing other men.  He even hinted I should change to a female doctor because my current one was always leering at me. 

It got to a point where I started dreading his coming home.  He had become a bully who bombarded me with threats, sarcasm and comments about imaginary men whenever I said no to sex.

“In the end I’d had enough, I discreetly looked out for an alternate accommodation and moved out.  Thank God I had changed jobs as it was our former firm’s policy that husband and wife should not work together. 

For the first time in years, I had peace of mind and could enjoy watching my kids grow up without a sex-sick husband breathing down my back.  He bombarded me with sick calls when he discovered I had left. 

Even when I stopped, answering his calls, he sent threatening texts.  He even came to my office to cause trouble and my boss told him if he showed his face again, he would get him arrested.”

It is said that these days, there is an increase in cases of domestic violence with the men brutally beating up their wives when such wives don’t obey their demands.  The men’s twisted obsession towards sex had been encouraged by mothers who tell their sons “Your wife’s duty is to give you as much sex as you want.”  This is a double-edged sword.  What happens when the man’s sex drive is low and his wife’s normal?  Night after night, he becomes frustrated as his willy seldom rises to the occasion.

After tuning and revving up his wife and she’s rearing to go, she looks down at the unco-operative willy and nearly dies of frustration. 

The husband is humiliated.  In time he becomes suspicious of his wife.  Is she getting it somewhere now he’s not able to give her as much sex as he was advised to do?  He can’t bear to think of her with anyone else and the bullying starts.

The fact is that, sex is one of the ingredients that cement a relationship.  Lack of it, or too little of it could ruin it: if you, don’t know how to solve your relationship problems.  Dialogue has to be a continuous process in a marriage – or any good relationship. 

Sexual problems can be looked into and cured most of the time.  About time we stopped giving our daughters the wrong advice about sex.  If a woman doesn’t want sex at a particular time, the confidence to tell her man why, should be there and he owes it to her well-being to listen – not punch her face. 

Unfortunately, the number of men with dwindling libido is now on the increase.  The reason why this is so could be physical as well as psychological.  Putting, a great expectation on man’s sexual prowess could put a huge dent on his confidence.  As good as sex is, it has to be mutually agreed to by the couple in the most mature way.

Why Saying Sorry Won’t Hurt You

The capacity to repair our relationships by opening our hearts to forgive (or apologize) is an important measure of emotional development, but I am wary of making forgiveness a yardstick by which we can judge ourselves and others.  Forgiveness can happen in an instant or it can take a lifetime.

The struggle is very different if there is an apology than if there isn’t.  The capacity to forgive varies greatly according to the depth, or absence of it in the relationship, that preceded the offence,” observed Laura, a psychologist.

“People’s process and creativity in this regard need to be respected.  Even nursing a grudge, which is clearly anti-forgiveness, may serve a vital purpose at certain times in certain lives.  In short, I don’t want to tell anybody – especially somebody I don’t know – that forgiveness is the right path for them.  Life is too complex for that.

“Indeed, I think we need to remember that not forgiving ourselves, not forgiving others, is a part of who we are.  It is as natural to us as our defences, our repression, our dissociation, our denial.  No one is so evolved as to deal creatively with every loss and insult.  No one is free themselves, positive and negative.  No one is immune to the joys of being vindicated.

“We all have this in us.  We are all enmeshed to some degree in our inner dramas and the unimaginable passions and loyalties they represent, which hold sway over us in ways not even we can know.  If we can see some of this in ourselves, accept it, be concerned about it, it is less likely to control or overwhelm us.  We will have a better chance to stay connected, to dissolve whatever scar tissue we can from a life of hurt and conflict, and move on to the goodness of love.”

Vanguard News Nigeria

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