By Muyiwa Adetiba

My birthday was on Palm Sunday. It was as we all know, spent in a lockdown. A few friends who remembered called. Some bemoaned the lockdown which prevented a get-together and thereby denied an opportunity to share banters and choice drinks.

I don’t mind the company of close friends on a day like that. I don’t mind sharing drinks with those who appreciate good liquor. But the real me would rather be alone. My family knows this and tries not to make a fuss around my birthday.

My older daughter summarised it in her WhatsApp birthday message when she said: ‘thanks to COVID 19, you are going to have a stay-in birthday that I know you like.’ I am essentially a private person in spite of a profession that has put me in the public space. I have been known to get home on a Thursday evening and not come up for air until Tuesday on several occasions.

But even for me, this past month—I had shut in before the government shut down—has not been easy. I now know the difference between a voluntary shut in and an obligatory one. For the former, freedom is just a car key away. The latter feels like incarceration after a while.

It is at times like this that I remember friends who can’t stay home for a day unless they are sick. I also remember those whose social calendars are so packed that you wonder how they cope—one older friend once had functions in Ilorin, Ife and Lagos on a single day and was determined to make them all. A weekend of no party was inconceivable to some.

It is the way they roll. It is at times like this that I remember MKO Abiola whose daily itinerary was simply breath-taking but who was compulsorily shut in for months by the Abacha government—it must have been torture, a kind of death before death. Some can handle a lockdown better than others but the last three weeks have so tested the resolve of many that they almost envy those who have the leeway to go out by virtue of their jobs.

But it is in the area of relationships that I am most worried. A social media joke said the lockdown had put people into three categories. Those who are having too much sex. Those who are having no sex at all. And those who are tired of a single menu. This might be seen as crude but it has a ring of truth even if it is only in a dimension. The lockdown has limited many people’s choices and not just sexual ones.The whole spectrum of what is known as a relationship has been put to test. Many have been locked in with people they will not want to be locked in with and locked out from those they will rather be with.

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Relationships are formed everyday. Relationships disintegrate everyday. Relationships are tested everyday. Some by distance. Some by proximity. Some by absence.Some by unplanned events. Most by constant interactions and frictions.A young relationship needs physical presence to grow. This will not be helped by the lockdown.

Especially for those who have unintentionally found themselves intwo different continents. Some people might get together at the end of the lockdown and find themselves yearning for each other. Absence in their case has made the heart grow fonder. Some on the other hand, might find they no longer have much to say to each other.

One, or both, have moved on emotionally.They have stayed away too long to adapt a Jim Reeve’s song. But how long is too long? It is a question that is difficult to answer until you find yourself in a situation where your relationship is tested because the answerdepends on who is in a relationship and the intensity of the relationship. It is a question unfortunately, that many will find themselves answering at the end of this lockdown.

If being apart is challenging, being locked up together has its own challenges too. People are going to get into each other’s hair even in the best of relationships as they get irritable and frustrated by the lockdown.

Many habits and idiosyncrasies that have usually been overlooked will now become accentuated. Some of these habits will test the limits of the relationship. A UN study has revealed that domestic violence has increased all over the world since the lockdown. This is not surprising. Being caged in like an animal will bring the worst out of the best of souls.

Many marriages have survived because the partners have strong outside interests. It could be work related or socials. Many leave home early in the morning and return late at night. So the little time they spend together becomes quality time. A society couple I knew in the 80s divided their time in their two homes in Nigeria and England. As one came in, the other took off. Sometimes they criss-crossed in the air.

They kept their marriage, which seemed lovey-dovey to outsiders, and their sanity, that way. I wonder how they would have coped in this period of lockdown. Wives who have never cooked more than a couple of meals a week for their husbands will now have to do it everyday.

That puts pressure on the woman and calls for understanding from the man. It is even worse if the domestics have been sent away for COVID 19 reasons because cleaning up and running after restless children will be added to the chores and to the pressures. There are men who spend the evening at the club or lounge and get home too tired to respond to their nagging wives.

That luxury has been taken away by the lockdown. Having kids at home for this length of time is strange to some families and will need getting used to.So will keeping them occupied and productive. The inevitable loss of income on both sides will also be a source of pressure. We handle money dynamics differently.

It is certain that many relationships are not going to be the same by the time the scourge is over. I wish I could be optimistic and say couples will fall in love all over again as a result of the lockdown. But I fear the opposite. In fact, the whole social game with its rules of interaction, will be altered. Perhaps forever.

Vanguard