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The most mistake you can make is play at matchmaking!

Bunmi Sofola

A few years back, a group of my friends resolved to resort to subtle matchmaking between our fast growing kids so we could at least have an input in the success of their marriage. The success we’ve had so far is not very encouraging. When it comes to romance, these youngsters know what they want and no subtle or outright hints, contrary to their wish, would shift them. Still, there’s no harm in trying. And when Gemima, a friend’s first daughter came back from the States a couple of years back, our match-making instinct became sharpened. She’d just finished her masters degree and had succumbed to her mum’s insistence she should come home and get her Youth Service out of the way.

love

Gemima protested she didn’t need to, as she meant to go into private business right away.  But Fade ‘our friend’, talked her into changing her mind in case she had the prospect of a political appointment in future. Her ambition wouldn’t be flawed by a simple thing like the lack of a service certificate. So, the poor girl came home looking ravishing and sophisticated.

Tundun, another good friend, married to a well-connected constitutional lawyer was at about the same time, planning a big bash for his son Roy’s 26th birthday. The lad had just returned from abroad too. He not only refused to go into the family business, he founded one with a couple of his friends with well-connected fathers, and they seemed to be doing very well indeed. His birthday bash would be a good testing ground to match-make the two!  On the day of Roy’s party, a few of Tundun’s friends who attended were herded into a dimly lit corner in the big living room with an understanding we would discreetly disappear as soon as the party took off. We were about doing that when Gemima came in wearing a short black shirt, and her breasts were virtually spilling out of her skimpy top!  Could Roy handle such a dynamo?

She knew Roy of course, so the bantering started. The poor boy didn’t have any chance as he gawped at the vixen in front of him. I wish I could hang around to find out how this budding romance would play out, but Tundun took us all to her room and that was that. Just before the end of Gemima’s service year, Tundun rang me, raving and ranting it was because of my scheming that his son got bitten all over by a barracuda!  I was a bit miffed. What did it have to do with me?  Gemima was a trollop, she insisted, and she’d succeeded in eroding her son’s confidence. When I asked her what happened, she told me Roy would soon be at mine.  Why am I always the one to salve savage wounds?

Roy regarded me warily as he sat down a few hours later, Gemima is not your normal run-of-the-mill girl, he said sadly.  “You know she slept at my place after my birthday bash?  She was as horny as hell and gave me the amazing sex of my life. Thinking it would be a one-off, I was amazed when our sexual adventure continued at an increased tempo. Within weeks she was virtually living with me – only going home for a change of clothing. I was deeply in love with her.  I’d never known a woman like her – so unfettered, so wild, so passionate.

“You haven’t seen anything yet”, she warned.  “And she was right. Thank goodness I had my own flat!  She seldom had much clothes on when she was around and had even cooked in the buff once in a while. Her sexual demands became too much for me especially when she told me she wanted to tie me to the bed so she could ride me as if I were a stallion. Maybe one day, I told her not knowing what to make of her new experiment. And she was insatiable, wanting it two or three times a night. I am a working man and prefers quiet nights in, once in a while. But Gemima wanted us to do the rounds of most of the night clubs on the Island. When I couldn’t go with her, she went with other friends and it was inevitable that I learnt she’d been sleeping with some of our friends. When I asked her, she told me they weren’t as many men as the gossips said and that I should calm down – and just chill.  I was shocked.  How could she treat infidelity so casually?

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“I told her I never wanted to see her again and she just shrugged and left, my heart breaking into unbelievable pieces. Since then, I’d relived my experience with her and wondered bitterly how things had gone so wrong”.  “I told him to take things easy, that with time he would be his old self again. When I promised to have a word with Gemima, he told me I shouldn’t bother, not on his behalf anyway. He never wanted to see her again and the way her mum felt at the moment, she could strangle Gemima if she could get away with it!  It was best she didn’t show her face in their house.

When I called at Fade’s, she was very subdued. I met an unrepentant Gemima who’d kindly agreed to stay long enough for me to have my way as she was on her way to yet another hot party.  “Roy is a nerd aunty”, she said simply.  “Or maybe I’m too much for him to handle. As a matter of fact, I’ve always been a handful for most men. I was really keen on Roy at first, especially with you people encouraging us.  But what really put me off was his action in the bedroom. Nice and gentle is great most of time when it comes to lovemaking, but sometimes I just want to get down to it, to have a bit of rough. What can beat the odd filthy quickly?  Only, if I made suggestions n ways to spice things up.

Roy would quake in his boots. I quickly pulled myself together to hide my amazement. Most of us never even had the guts to discuss sex with our parents not to talk of giving lurid accounts of our encounters!  Fade, as cosmopolitan as she was, shifted with embarrassment.

“I knew Roy didn’t deserve this, but I slept with a few of his friends because they were more adventurous,” Gemima continued, Roy is a lovely man but he needs to broaden his mind. It was cruel of me to admit seeing other men, and I feel terrible about his being heart-broken, but we never mentioned marriage or even going steady. I honestly hope he finds a nice girl soon – a home buddy like him. But he just wasn’t adventurous enough for me!  Thank goodness I’ll be going back very soon and if I’m meant to be married and settled, believe me, I will be”.

Who got it right?  (Humour)

It’s the summer of 1960 and Chuck goes to pick up his date.  Peggy Sue. When he knocks on the front door, Peggy Sue’s mum answers and invites him in. She asks Chuck what he and her daughter are planning to do that evening. Chuck replies politely that they will probably just head for the dinner or maybe go to the drive-in cinema and catch a movie. “Why don’t you kids go out and screw?” Peggy Sue’s mum suggests.  “I hear all the kids are doing it”, Whaaat?” Chuck gulps. “Oh yeah”, she continues. “We know our Peggy, she sure loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we let her!” Chuck’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Chuck escorts his date out the front door.  “Have fun!” Mum calls after them.  About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue came back into the house with a big grin n her face.  “What a night!”, she declares.  “But for your information, mum, it’s called the Twist.  The Twist!”

Good God! Humour)

God appears to a man and tells him he’ll have to give up cigarettes, drinking alcohol and having sex if he wants to get into heaven. The man says he’ll try his best to succeed. A week later, |God reappears and ask him how things are going on the abstinence front.  The man says the fags and drinks were easy to give up, but when his wife bent over to take some meat out of the freezer, he just couldn’t resist.  “We don’t approve that sort of thing in heaven, you know”, God says sternly.  The man replies: They don’t approve of it at the supermarket either.


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