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Why don’t I want my wife anymore?

Dear Bunmi,

I‘m in my early 40’s and have been married for over 12 years. In the last four years, I’d made love with a lot of women and had relationships with quite a few.

My wife is a wonderful woman and a good mother to our four children and although I care for her a great deal I’m no longer in love with her. Our love life has been non-existent for a while now and was very irregular before then.

The truth is that I no longer find her romantically appealing. We’ve discussed our problems but found no acceptable solutions.

I’m racked with guilt as I fear I’m turning into some sort of pervert; I’m deeply unhappy in my marriage.

Gbenga, by e-mail.

Dear Gbenga,

It sounds as if your marriage has been in trouble from day one and you’re seeking light relief and an escape from the reality of your life. In the process, you’re making yourself and your wife miserable. It’s a good thing that you know what you’re doing is wrong but as the various talks you’ve had with each other haven’t worked, it’s time to make the one decision you’ve, so far, been avoiding, and that is whether to continue in a marriage that isn’t working or to walk away.

It’s obvious you don’t want to hurt your wife, but the way things are between

both of you, it’s now unavoidable. If you leave, she’ll be hurt, but if you stay, chances are that your philandering would make her resentful and hateful. If your reasons for getting married no longer hold true, then you must face the fact that it’s over and you must find the courage to tell your wife. The children needn’t suffer if this is handled with a lot of caution.


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