By Ugoji Egbujo

Mama is not crying wolf. Jackals and hyenas are everywhere. Mama Peace says EFCC agents have tried to kill her twice. Mama suspects they will come again. Mama didn’t go to the police. Perhaps she has no confidence in them. Her brother, Governor Wike said the Inspector General wants to kill him. So mama has taken her case to the House of Representatives. If Mama were not a retired Permanent Secretary, I would have said she was mixing hallucinations with reality. But Mama can’t be lying. Permanent secretaries are beyond sensational lies.

So why would the EFCC choose to eliminate Mama? Mama has told the EFCC to prosecute her if they have any evidence against her. She has poked fingers in the eyes of the agency, literally. The agency has been timid. Many believe that against Mama, the agency’s hands were tied while its mouth was wide open. Mama is ebullient. She doesn’t like media trials by lily-livered agencies. She kept a few billions with her maids and hair dressers. She doesn’t see anything scandalous in her action. Yes, some of them are in foreign currency. Every past first lady has hers. She uses these little monies, not to buy frivolous bags and shoes but, to take care of her health. They are legitimate earnings. Gifts from a multitude of generous friends. She wasn’t the wife of a former President of Guinea Bissau. This is the land of the Aliko Dangotes. Mama is sure the EFCC has tried to kill her. The EFCC is amused by mama delusions.

Well, it sounds ridiculous. But it will be utterly rude to conclude that mama hired a senior lawyer to package and levy wide lies against federal agencies. Let’s stretch plausibility a little. We should believe her. Mama keeps a few things, millions of dollars, with a few people. That we now know. It’s not impossible that a bad egg in a good agency has seen something somewhere. And he could have come up with funny ideas of doing something quick, and then blowing a whistle. What other reason would an EFFC agent, who isn’t mad, have for assassinating Mama? The EFCC prides only in convictions and recoveries. The EFCC is not SARS. But it appears Mama has other complaints.

Mama says the NDLEA are after her too. Why would the NDLEA waste taxpayers funds snooping mama. Mama is a retired permanent secretary and not a retired drug dealer. Everyone knows that Ribadu has cleared Mama of all suspected associations with money laundering. The nation’s youths have taken to drugs. All kinds of drugs and stimulants are now freely used by the youths. Commercial drivers drive with pockets filled with bitters and strong alcohols repackaged in user friendly sachets. Drug companies import raw materials and sell them on the street as end products to bend minds. The NDLEA was once everywhere. It’s now nowhere. Why then should the NDLEA leave its job undone only to trouble a retired pensioner? The NDLEA has denied investigating the former mother of the nation. So are we supposed to believe mama is whipping up sentiments? But Mama is not a liar.

Mama is also troubled by the FIRS. She said they stormed her spa and carted away documents. Mama has suffered. FIRS is pretending to be a no respecter of persons. All agencies uniformed and ununiformed are now all chasing mama from pillar to post. But, why mama? Why always her? What has mama done? Where is papa? What kind of an African man keeps quiet while his wife is being hounded? Wole Soyinka once said Papa was a weak husband. I didn’t agree then. That was when Mama was making enemies for Papa recklessly. Now Mama is the prey and not the predator. Papa has a moral duty to protect and defend Mama. Papa doesn’t have to be a strong husband to bark at people running after his wife like a pack of wolves. Even weak dogs bark and run away. Yes, Papa is a humble, self effacing man. But how can he take this humiliation. Does he think mama is telling white lies? He should speak for mama even if mama has employed some truthful hyperbole.

Mama says her properties have been ransacked. And that she has been trailed by hired assassins. It sounds outlandish. Why would these people leave papa to pursue an innocent hardworking woman? But since they wouldn’t go near papa and papa wouldn’t bark at them, I have an advice for mama. Mama, pack your things and hand over to papa and stay with papa.

Papa is peace loving. He is a hero. He conceded an election he lost. His grieving supporters ridicule him for his meekness. No one knows the terms of the pact that has kept him immune from troubles. Those who mock him may be uninformed. But they insist he would have reacted differently if it were a certain former oil minister that was crying like Mama. People can say what they like. Ebele Azikiwe is not an Abiola. Papa is happy enjoying his freedom and sipping his soft drinks. Papa please teach Mama how to handle your challenges.

But if they can’t touch the goose, they should leave the gander. Gender equality. If they want only the eggs, mama ask papa if it was the agreement. If it was agreed that these kinds of eggs should be quietly returned or taken, then let them take the eggs. You will never run out of eggs. This is not Papua New Guinea.


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