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I thought he would ask me to move in

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend, 30, is kind, mature and has a good job which he enjoys. He isn’t one to go to joints and night clubs like previous boyfriends. He is solvent, having lived with his parents since three years ago when he got divorced.

In every way, he’s the man I’ve dreamed of being with. We’ve been together for close to a year and I was gutted when he formally moved out of his parents’ house into a flat on his own.

Why didn’t he ask me if I wanted to move in with him or suggest us paying for a flat together? I’m 24 and currently share a flat with two friends, who are also baflled.

I need to know whether he sees his future with me or if he’s still pining for his ex-wife.

Perhaps if I tell him I want to have a baby with him, I’ll be able to find out. What do you think?

Tejiro, by e-mail.

Dear Tejiro,

Stop making assumptions about him, that being older means he’s ready to settle down. He’s had a failed marriage, if he has any sense he’ll be more cautious. You got him on the rebound and so, without a shared residence you think you’re second best to his ex-wife.

Less than a year is too early to be pushing for life-long commitments – slow down. Date but with less intensity. Give yourself an independent life and (a) he’ll get enough space to miss you; (b) he’ll realise he need not be all things to you – his current position could be scaring him off greater commitment; (c) you’ll feel you’re a worthwhile loveable person in your own right and unfazed by the ex. So forget baby talk now. You don’t have to abandon your dreams, you just have to learn to take your time to achieve them.


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