By Francis Ewherido

An Igando Customary Court in Lagos recently dissolved a two-year-old marriage between a couple, Andrew and Tina, over Tina’s constant checking of her husband’s phone. The uninitiated would be wondering how going through your spouse’s phone could lead to a divorce. Is the husband not killing a fly with a sledge hammer for divorcing his wife? Wasn’t the judge too hasty? Is there more to it than meets the eye? The issue here is trust, one of the major pillars of marriage. Tina did not trust the ex-husband. “Relationships are about trust and if you have to play detective in your relationship, then it’s time to move on.” And that is what Andrew forced Tina to do: move on.

What is trust? Trust, in this context, is a belief that your spouse is “reliable, good, honest and effective.” That is a lot to expect from a fellow human being because some of us are not even reliable, good, honest and effective to/with ourselves. But that is the nature of marriage; people expect from their spouses what they cannot give themselves.

Marriage is an everlasting union and it requires continuous trust for its nourishment. There is scarcely any strong and happy marriage without a high dose of trust. I mean real strong marriages; not where one spouse has resigned himself/herself to fate. After my first year in the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, I moved residence from Zik’s Flats to Room 103, Eni Njoku Hall, where I inherited a wall poster: “Blessed are those who are not expecting, for they shall not be disappointed.” That is the state of mind of many spouses today where issues of trust are involved.

Some have come to the conclusion that their spouses can never be trusted, but they stick around because: one, some do not want the stigma of a failed marriage. Two, some stick around because of the children. Three, some do not want the hassles of a new marriage and spouse. After all, what is the guarantee that the new spouse will be better? Four, some spouses might be untrustworthy, but they have other good qualities: providing for the home, very loving and caring, good in bed, excellent cook and so on and so forth.

I am tempted to ask Tina why she wanted to continue with the marriage when she did not trust Andrew, but that would be hypocritical of me. I once loved intensely even though I did not trust my partner. Things got to a head when she confronted me one day eyeball to eyeball: “Do you trust me?” Difficult as it was, I replied, “No.” “Why do you want to continue with the relationship,” she asked. “Because I love you and I want us to work on it,” I replied. A few months later, the relationship died. I wanted to continue a relationship where there was no trust because everybody in love is a fool and I was the most foolish at that moment. May be, that is Tina’s lot also.

But you cannot continue with a courtship where there is no trust, no matter the overdose of love (lust), unless you make up your mind to put up with the act for the rest of your life and live as if the shortcoming does not exist. But it is easier said than done. A friend once told me that even if he caught another man on top of his wife on their matrimonial bed, he would simply rebuke the man for doing it on his bed and not somewhere else and end the matter. I stood like a statue as I listened to him. I was in shock. Not too long after, the wife told me how the husband gave her the beating of her life over SUSPICION of having an affair!

I will not advise anybody to marry somebody he/she does not reasonably trust. As a result of our human frailties, we can only talk of trust in relative, not absolute, terms because from time to time, your spouse will breach the trust. When we talk of breach of trust, people’s minds automatically go to infidelity, but it is much more than that. Telling lies, hiding information, misrepresentation, failing to keep promises or secrets can all lead to breach of trust. Some breaches are, however, earth shaking and can shake people to their foundation.

A man finds out all of a sudden that some or all of the children he has lavished his love on and lived for are not his biological children. A spouse finds out his/her spouse has other children he/she never disclosed. These earth-shaking breaches have destroyed many marriages; some marriages have also survived the tremor, but only just. Value orientation, a forgiving spirit, faith, beliefs and maturity play major roles where the pendulum swings. But like a wound, the scar remains even after it heals. Rarely do you return to status quo 100 per cent.

To conclude, let us look at Andrew and Tina’s case further. They were married for two years before the marriage was dissolved. That was a very short marriage. Did they court before tying the knot and if yes, what was the courtship like? Did Tina suspect Andrew of cheating during courtship and still went ahead with the marriage or it started after the wedding? As I said earlier, if Tina suspected Andrew of cheating during courtship, she should not have gone ahead to marry him.

And since she decided to go ahead, she should have lived with her suspicion, instead of nosing around. In marriage, the two might be one, but there are some items that are personal. One of them is a phone. Going through your spouse’s phone without his/her consent is a risky business. If caught, it can destroy your marriage, as it has done here. You can also find information that can turn your world upside down. On a few occasions, it has been a life saver. It is something I do not do, but whatever you decide to do, know there are implications.

Again, is Tina another paranoid spouse with mortal jealousy? Too many spouses cry wolf where none exists? Tina is a businesswoman but still had so much time to worry about whom her husband was seeing or talking to. She behaved like an idle fulltime housewife. Any reader of this column knows I am not a fan of fulltime-housewife arrangement. It leaves the women with too much free time and an idle mind can easily become the devil’s workshop.

The Bible says, he who wants to save his life will lose it (Matthew 16:25). Tina wanted to save her marriage by warding off other women, real or perceived. Now she has lost her spouse and the marriage. This should teach all of us that there are some issues in marriage beyond us that we should take to God in prayers.

Trust, like love, is one of the foundations of a happy marriage, but it is better if the fundamentals are good at the beginning of the marriage. You can then build on it subsequently. Occasional breaches of trust are inevitable, but pray against the earth shaking breaches.