When a relationship breaks, and all the accusations have subsided, you might feel some sort of relief. For one ting, it would now be obvious your ex is no longer the love of your life nor is he your soul-mate. For another, you no longer have to put up with his spending hours in front of the telly watching boring football whilst you get infuriated to the point of throttling him. Peace at last, you sigh. No more tantrums in restaurant and no petty rows at parties because other men flirted with you. You’re basking in this euphoria when you get a big jolt – you find yourself face-to-face with your replacement. All the good work you’ve done over the months trying to get over him is now out of the window. He might not be good enough for you, but why should he be attracted to someone else?
Gladys didn’t meet her replacement at a party as most do – she met her at the bank. She’d gone to cash a cheque and the lady was ahead of her, explaining to the cashier why she didn’t have her ID with her, but could the cashier phone her fiance to confirm the authenticity of the cheque? She then proudly reeled off his phone number and name. “I was dumbfounded”, Gladys said, “I really experienced what gong cold means.
I’ve heard he’s gotten hooked to another woman barely months after our separation, but to have to come face-to-face with her at the bank of all place was a cruel coincidence I never envisaged. I took a critical look at her. I gave myself; a satisfactory pass mark. I was prettier, taller and more sophisticated than she looked. What on earth did he see in this one? Where di they meet? What does she do …?
“All of a sudden, the man I’d do though I’d completely put at the back of my mind became larger than life. The bank clerk did phone as she suggested, mentioning her name and the whopping amount on the cheque. She got the money. As she walked towards me, I had this crazy urge to trip her. She didn’t know who I was of course, and I wondered what she needed all that money for. Was she a gold-digger already milking Haruna, my ex who is always over-generous? When I got to the office, I pout a call through to Haruna’s best friend who I’ve remained good friends with. He confirmed knowing my replacement and told me that they would soon be getting married.
“When I bombarded him with questions about her, Haruna’s friend was surprised at my sudden interest I was the one who virtually gave Haruna the push. Did I expect Haruna to pine for me forever? He confirmed that Haruna was in love with the girl who was a lecturer at a polytechnic. She was not a gold digger, he assured me and gave me the name of her well-known parents.
“I was surprised at home depressed I felt at being so successfully replaced so soon. So, I was the one who gave Haruna the push. But I’d done that a couple of times before and he had come crawling back. The making up was always something to look forward to, though he’d warned me several times he had no stomach for the emotional roller coaster I was always putting him through. He’d threatened to call my bluff one of these days. When we had our last tiff, I really held back determined to make him see how indispensable I was in his life. Seems I’d gone too far this time and I have been replaced. I tried to talk myself into believing I wasn’t that obsessed with him. Still in hurts. Would it have hurt this much if I hadn’t found out he had a new lover? Or was it the indecent haste with which he did it that rankled …?”
For about three years, Gbemi, a divorced mother of two, was in love with an industrialist who was married to a woman who had resigned herself to her husband’s philandering. She had her children to think of. “Inspite of this, Kenny was absolutely honest with me about his marriage. He made it plain that he would never leave his wife and that he was not the polygamous type”, Gbemi said. “All he wanted was someone to have a relationship with, without the bother of a marriage. I’d had a bad marriage and the tyupe of package he offered was good – decent accommodation and generous monthly allowance. At first, I accepted the fact that I had to remain on the periphery of his life. We never went out together and I met only a handful of his friends. As time went on, however, I became bored being a bit-on-the-side. I wanted more than he was offering.
It was inevitable that my resentment boiled over into a rage when we had our last argument. I told him coldly that although I agreed to go into the relationship with my eyes wide open, I found out being seen in public with him very humiliating. That our relationship over the years had been conducted only within the four walls of my room. He was furious. He told me arrogantly that I knew what I was letting myself in for when I decided to start the relationship, that he never for once told me that stupid story most men tell about their wives jot understanding them. I said a few hot words back and we parted not very amicably. We made up a few weeks later but it was obvious I could no longer take him on his terms. I wanted to settle down again, wanted more than two kids.
“I was lucky to meet a widower shortly after we finally called off the affair, and we got married. Kenny simply disappeared as soon as he knew of my new relationship. He never let on whether or not he was hurt. A year after I remarried, the grapevine was agog with Kenny’s new mistress being pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I was told she ran one of these fancy outfits you suspect are fronts for drug peddlers. A few days later, I deliberately went into the shop pretending to want a facial. As I was being attended to, she came in. Her pregnancy was obvious and she looked as if she just stepped out of a fashion magazine – you could smell her sort a mile off. It was obvious she would have used all the tricks in the book to make him agree to let her have the baby. Her sort are usually that way …”
So are you currently suffering from what is commonly referred to as next lover syndrome? To help you get over this stressful emotion, you are advised to remember these facts: You are still fab. Secretly, we will like to believe we are irreplaceable. But your ex meeting his next lover does not mean you’ré not special. It just means life is moving on for hi9m as it will for you. Seeing your ex with someone else is certain to bring back the good times you shared and the things you miss about him. Remind yourself that your relationship was a mix of good and bad. Be realistic.
Okay, so you may hear through the grapevine that your replacement is ravishingly beautiful with a degree in something unpronounceable and generously of Mother Theresa. But let’s face it, your ex is not going to tell people she snores like a banshees. Add a pinch of salt to everything you’re told about her (unless it is bad, of course, and you take pleasure in believing it). Don’t ever compare your replacement with you. It will only make you feel dreadful and if they’re less attractive than you, you will just end up asking: what does he see in her? In truth, you can win. Take time to get over an ex. Don’t rush into something new just to make a point to your ex.