By Francies Ewherido

No suspense, I got the title of today’s topic from a small story on Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, American entertainers and celebrity couple. Will was once married, but divorced three years later. But he and Jada have been married for 18 years, an eternity by Hollywood standard. Okay, not only Hollywood; 18 years is a long time to sleep and wake up every day seeing the same face; it is a long time to stick with only one lover.

Even though Will and Jada “have built a reputation as being one of Hollywood’s most unshakable couples, Will Smith recently admitted that within their highly talked about marriage, there have been times so rocky that their relationship has pretty much died at points. However, instead of calling it quits, these two just find a new way to make things work.

“He told The Sun newspaper: ‘whatever you have is gonna die and you are gonna have to rebirth something new. You have to be willing to ride the waves. There’s gonna be some flat days and some stormy days, and that has to be OK’.

“Additionally Jada…has previously said Smith is more than just a husband to her. She explained: ‘We used to have all these rules, [but] as you go on in your relationship, you just get into a flow. Will, to me, encompasses everything. It’s almost as if calling him ‘my husband’ is too small of a word for what he means in my life… I think I had a very stuck idea of what a husband looks like, what a wife should be. Once I broke all of that, a whole new world opened for me and man, oh man! I got to see him in all his glory. And so that’s what it’s evolved into. And I’m just ecstatic about it.”

When I meet people who claim that their marriage is all smooth sailing all the time, I shake my head in pity, because they are making complete fools of themselves and such marriages never grow because the foundation is fake and defective. How can a car being driven by two people simultaneously not have hiccups? You will get worked up sometimes, the relationship can hit an all-time low, you can get bored and tired of your spouse and feel like walking away from the marriage, your differences can get increasingly “irreconcilable”, your spouse can get on your nerves with lifestyle changes and other changes like piling on the weight. The list just goes on and on. Every marriage “dies” at certain points; happily the parties involved can resurrect it.

Going through the brief story, a few tricks for refreshing marriages stick out: Their marriage is real, not an illusion. The relationship transcends husband (male)/wife (female); they are friends, companions, partners, confidants and soul mates. There is trust and enormous respect which was earned; they mean the world to each other. That is why the word, husband, is too limiting and “too small” for Jada to describe Will. I have always believed that your spouse should mean the world to you; your spouse should be a light you put on the lamp stand, not hide under the table. You should celebrate your spouse. If he/she is not measuring up, sort out where the shortcomings are from and make amends.

The other lessons from their story are: they are no quitters. When the going gets tough, they find a way to get going. You should go into marriage with the mindset of “no retreat, no surrender.” That way, like a surfer, you will be prepared for waves that must inevitably come your way. The final lesson from the celebrity couple is that change is inevitable and we should brace up for it. It reminds me of a little book I read some time ago. It is small and simple like a children’s story book but mighty. It can be applied in our marriages and other aspects of life: Who Moved My Cheese. It advises us that change must occur, so we should anticipate change. We should also monitor change and adapt as quickly as possible. It said changes will continue to occur and we should learn to enjoy changes.

To keep your marriage alive and healthy, also note that it is like your body; you feed it with good food. Feed it with junk food and it will become unhealthy; starve it and over time it will die. Nourish your marriage, tend it well and give it good grooming. Like your body too, these actions are not be once in a while, they should be regular.

Communication is the live-wire of a marriage. As long as couples are talking, the marriage is alive. Stop talking and the marriage dies. But it is not just communication; I am an apostle of Stevens Covey’s empathic communication: Seek first to understand your spouse before seeking your spouse’s understanding. It helps greatly to know where your spouse is coming from. Also sexually active couples should keep a constant eye of their love life, its death sometimes precede the death of the marriage

In addition, go on retreats, dates, holidays and getaways with your spouse alone. You need the quiet time to bond, relive your younger days, straighten issues, recharge your batteries and restrategise to make your marriage better.

But note that you might read a trailer load of literature on how to improve your marriage and get useful tips, but ultimately you must come up your own winning formula because marriages are almost as varied as finger prints.

Life is too short and marriage even shorter to waste on hating instead of loving, enduring instead of enjoying, denigrating instead of celebrating, grudging instead of forgiving, making war instead of making love, killing instead of saving. Constantly makeover your marriage and enjoy it until death do you part. I keep saying it, marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured.