Francis Ewherido

The first time a woman came to us with a complaint that her husband was sexually abusing their three children—two girls and a boy—I told her: “Madam, two things, either you are mad to accuse your husband of such heinous deeds or your husband is mad to lay his hands on his own children.” Incest, specifically father-daughter liaison, has been with humankind for a long time. Lot not only slept with but deflowered his two daughters (please leave the drunkenness details for another day. Deflowering two virgins in two successive days without being conscious of the act must be one of the mysteries in the Bible) Genesis 19: 32-35.

I have till date avoided writing on this topic because it gives me a sick feeling. But new cases are being reported, mostly forced, because many of the girls are minors. So we are not just dealing with incest, we are also dealing with rape and pedophilia. Daughters are no longer safe with their fathers. One married woman actually confessed that while growing up she was so scared of her father that she never stayed home alone with him. The man allegedly slept with his nieces, friends’ wives, house helps and just about anything in skirts he could get hold of. He even changed his religion to legitimise his marriage to myriad of women!

But why will a father sleep with the product of his loins? While in the university, the electives I took made me to develop interest in psychology, especially Freudian psychology. That was how I came across the term, Electra complex. In a lay human’s language, it means daughters getting sexually attracted to their fathers, usually when they are between ages three and six, but can stretch much longer in some cases. But Electra complex cannot be responsible for many of the cases we read about because many of the daughters were actually raped by their fathers. There are very few occasions where such incest is consensual or initiated by the daughters.

In the 80s I read the story of a girl who claimed that she and the father were lovers and anytime the mother travelled abroad on her numerous business trips, they got busy. In her words, while mum thought she was leaving father and daughter at home, she was actually leaving lovers. I screamed and attracted the attention of a female school mate sitting nearby. I told her what I just read. Her response shocked me the more: “So what is the big deal?” “You mean you can do it”, I asked. “If my father asks for it, I’ll give it to him.” These were her exact words; they still ring in my head about 29 years later.

Some cases of incest result from “daddy’s girl” taken too far. It is okay for daughters to be close to their fathers, but fathers, especially as the more mature party, must know when this relationship is going beyond limit and draw a line. Sometimes it is thought that some men try to relive the long lost younger days of their wives and sleep with their daughters who look like their wives in those younger days. Some men who commit incest with their daughters are in troubled marriages. Instead of confronting their problems they shift attention from their wives to their daughters. Before they realize it, things boil over; the handshake has gone far beyond elbow to the shoulder.

Some divorced men or widowers who live, sometimes alone, with their daughters have also been known to commit incest with their daughters. There was a particular case on national television where the girl raised an alarm when she could not take it anymore. The father initially denied, then said it only happened once. When her daughter contradicted him, he blamed his actions on, you guessed right, the devil. Some men simply sleep with their daughters for diabolical reasons.

Studies show that some victims of father-daughter incest are usually “severely conflict-laden, experience rage and ongoing hostility to both parents, and hold all women in contempt.” Some of them lose their appetite for marriage and generally have issues with intimacy. For some victims, all men are vampires and so they lapse into lesbianism. Some victims also experience sexual dysfunction like “desire disorder, orgasmic disorder, pain during sex, and frequency and satisfaction difficulty.”

Sorting out father-daughter incestuous relationship is not easy. If it were a niece, sister-in-law, cousin or other relatives, you can send her away, discourage indecent dressing around the house, ensure you are not home alone or reduce interactions, among others. But with your daughter, it is different. Your home is her home and how do you perform your legitimate parental responsibilities without interaction or when you avoid her? You simply need help; you need therapy, counseling and plenty of prayers.

Do not be too proud or shy to share your problem with people who are discreet and in a position to help. Sorting out the problem is a molehill compared to the act and the spiritual and social mess it creates. You also need to find the will power from wherever to help yourself. Coming down on your own daughter remains inexplicable, inexcusable and unjustifiable? Not even the Lot kind of situation can be justified, because it is actually within your power to avoid getting drunk and losing your senses. Just wondering; wouldn’t you rather you were impotent, instead of sleeping with your daughter? That way the offending and offensive weapon would be disabled and you will be spared this abominable and unimaginable act.

Incest is more rampant than we imagine. Uncles abuse their nieces, aunts abuse their nephews, cousins engage in either consensual or forced sex; it just goes on and on. In many cases one party is taken advantage of, trust is betrayed. But the father-daughter incest is the ultimate betrayal of trust. American psychologist, Diana Russell, calls it supreme betrayal.