By Debbie Olujobi

A ground hog day is a day that keeps repeating itself and I got a call a while back that had me thinking a nightmarish day from the past was happening all over again.   It began when I missed an early call from a young lady I mentor as I was fast asleep at the time!! I got caught up in my day and only remembered it when she called me back much later in the day

“He said he’s getting married”, she said rather quietly.

“Who’s getting married”, I asked.

“My husband is getting married”, she replied.

“What?” I asked again; getting very confused.

By this time she was crying on the phone and I told her to calm down as I would be right over! Eerily I recalled a close friend of mine making a similar call years ago and I reacted much the same; total shock!
I drove over not long after and I asked her how on earth that was possible.

“What did you do to him? Is he unhappy? Are you legally his wife?” my questions came quick and fast!

They looked an ideal couple in my mind with very young children. Her Husband seemed nice, courteous and devoted to his family or so I thought! He wanted more from life was all the explanation she got and it seemed his wants were coming at her expense. His happiness was coming at the cost of her anguish.

I have known this couple for a while and her husband though younger was one of those people you wanted to tell all your life secrets within seconds of meeting, good looking with a great sense of humour! The marriage is blessed with children and they seemed happy enough. There was certainly no inkling that this very educated man was about to announce he was taking a second wife!! I vaguely remember his mother was the youngest wife of his father who was a very rich chief and had many wives. He was by all accounts very affluent but he had suffered a lot of abuse from his polygamous   family after his father passed, so it was crazy to think he would go the same path. I wouldn’t exactly call him a devout christian but like someone else who was in his position a few years ago he comes to church for the perfunctory Christmas and New-year services.

He had over the years become a regular in the country club and had friends his father’s age; they played golf apparently. He was even made a chief in what could be considered an obscure village at best and his wife had blamed his new life style on his new found wealth and position! His movements and habits had changed and she had suspected he was seeing someone but she ignored it as he always had a perfect excuse for coming home late. He remained caring and fulfilled the roles of husband and father, so who could guess he was planning on taking a new wife? She thought she knew everything about him and if truth be told so did we all!

A similar situation had happened much closer to home a few years ago and it had not ended well. Like most wives I am against polygamy and the best way not to jeopardise marriage is for both parties to be faithful. I can’t tell another woman to stay or leave her marriage; I don’t even believe in divorce   but what is one to do with an unrepentant man about to marry a woman almost a decade older than you? When a man decides to have a full blown affair with a mature woman he shouldn’t imagine that she is in it for a fling. More often than not most mature women want children and at a particular age they stop caring about the marital status of the father. The obvious solution for men who are also emotionally invested in their mistress is to try and do the honourable thing; though I don’t perceive adultery as honourable in the first place.

The man in this case had been drawn to an older very successful and very attractive woman and they had begun an affair. That affair had resulted in a pregnancy that had him thinking he needed to have a second wife and it looks like that choice will cost him his first.

What is the permissible cost of happiness? Can you build joy using someone else’s sorrow? The wife didn’t sign up for an additional wife and why should she have to endure an intrusion into her marriage? Does the other woman not even think of the hurt she is causing or is she foolish enough to think life is a winner take all drama?
Many questions, few answers and i can only offer support to my hurting friend. My counsel is, as always, prayer.

Only God can comfort the hurting. What everyone should remember is that there is indeed a God in heaven who judges the affairs of men and we will all get what we deserve. What we sow we will certainly reap; lasting happiness can’t be attained at the cost of another’s pain.