By Francis Ewherido
There is a question that used to get me really irritated:“If you,your wife and your mother are in a boat and the boat is sinking and you can only save one person, who will you save, your wife or your mother?” I get irritated because I feel it is an unnecessary assumption meant to cause disaffection.

What do you want a guy to say? That his mother is old and in the departure hall (apologies to Baba Obasanjo) already, so he would rather save his wife? Or he can always marry another wife but his mother is irreplaceable, so he will save his mother?

In every man’s heart, there should be a place for his wife and his mother and each person’s space should be enough. Trouble starts when either wife or mother oversteps her bounds or becomes unnecessarily selfish or intolerant or/and the man at the centre of it is not man enough to draw the line. I do not understand why some men even allow or encourage mother-wife rivalry. The relationships are totally different and you should manage these two important women in your life effectively.

Long ago, a friend told me a story. He was an upstart then, but he is now a media/business baron. He said he used to sometimes eat eba morning, afternoon and evening. On this morning, he had eaten eba with the delicious soup prepared by the wife.

When he came back from work, she served him the same soup, but it tasted totally different. He asked his wife: “Clara (not her real name)…wetin come happen to the soup? No be this soup I chop go work this morning?” “Mama say salt no do, e come add salt,” the wife responded. He was furious.

There and then he went to the mum (who was visiting) and told her the kitchen is his wife’s and if she had any issues with the soup, she should have altered only her portion and not the entire pot.

Sorting out mother and wife issues for me is a matter of justice, fairness, firmness and diplomacy. Incidentally, I do not have personal experience to rely on because my mother and my wife are best of friends (I have nothing to do with their closeness) and my mother does not even get involved in children’s marriages. Getting her to even visit you is like manually uprooting an Iroko. Her standard response to such requests literally translated is, “I don’t want to be uprooted from my base.”

Personally, I do not feel you should make efforts to make your wife and your mother friends. Let their relationship evolve naturally. They do not even have to be friends if they do not want to. But there must be mutual respect or they should at least tolerate each other.

You have an obligation to protect your spouse from your overbearing mother, while you should not allow your wife to trample on the woman who carried you for nine months and whose breasts you suckled. If they want to live like cats and dogs, put them in separate water-tight compartments, let their paths be parallel; do not take your marital issues to your mother and mother-son issues should be kept away from your wife.

Sometimes keeping them apart is not possible; for example, if your mother is living with you for health or some other reasons. Women can be territorial and your mother must know that your house is your wife’s turf. It might not make sense to her that she has limited rights in the home of the son she sold her wrappers, jewellery and made other sacrifices to train, but that is the way it is.

Sometimes it defies logic, but that is partly why marriage is a mystery. Wives must, however, be magnanimous in this “victory” marriage has thrust on them. This is Africa and mothers-in-law are older; be considerate and respectful. Someday, you too will become mothers-in-law.

Related to this is when parents try to run their children’s homes after they have married. The truth is once your son/daughter gets married; the new couple becomes a new family called nuclear or immediate family, while parents and siblings become extended family. It is a tough situation to accept and it is not comforting to the ear that a complete stranger, as a result of marriage, is now immediate family with your son while parents and siblings are now extended family. But that, again, is one of the mysteries of matrimony. Parents (and siblings) must learn to let go, you must allow your children to live their lives. You had all the opportunity to mould them while under your roof. That task is over. What you owe them now are: prayers and love.

For couples whose families are intrusive, he/she must shield his/her home and spouse from them. That is your responsibility. Couples must however have mutual respect for each other’s family.My elder brother, Fr. Tony, told me that when I was getting married; it is important. If there is a difficult family member or situation, the man should deal with it, if it is his family and vice versa. That way, one party does not get accused of being disrespectful to the other’s family. But if the concerned spouse refuses to act, after much insistence, the other spouse should sort it out without being disrespectful. Very few problems get solved by being ignored; they usually get bigger.

NB: More on parental involvement in children’s marriages next week