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Moving on

Debbie Olujobi

One of the stories that I find most educational in the Bible is that of Lot’s wife. It is not a long tale but the wisdom in it is swift and sure. Their old life, home and even friends were doomed and they were given an opportunity to escape death.

They were fleeing from Armageddon  but she still could not let go of yesterday for the sake of tomorrow, she gave up her future to look back at her past. That one glimpse cost her dearly; she went down in history as the pillar of salt; her past had effectively put paid to her future!!

I have major trust issues and tend to trust only what I know, so if I had been lot’s wife, it is safe to say I would have been salt!! I would have found it excruciating to let go of a safe environment for the unknown, even if it was better. I think people are like birds, we build a little nest wherever we go and we get so comfortable, we carry a bit of it with us even when we leave or are kicked out!

In the course of one’s life, it is possible to carry love for different people in our hearts for long periods of time. So what is my point? A lot of us are caught in the vice grip of the past and it is disturbing our future!! To begin a new life effectively it is important to close the chapter of the old one.

For a completely new beginning in a relationship or friendship, some feelings, some ghosts and some people have to be exorcised by all means necessary! Experience is a tool of knowledge but emotional lethargy is the suicide of unions. It should be the standard advice in the manual for those about to commit!! Don’t look back; face the future squarely without any baggage.

I remember a term in the university, very crude but often true. It was the “Okafor’s law”. I would break it down but it is still as vulgar and tasteless as it sounded then. The gist is that ex lovers always rebound and end up beneath the sheets!! Emotional ties are more difficult to cut than the physical; you can move out but how easy is it to move on?

Most of us want to end up with the “love of our life”, but who is to say that there is only one love for an entire life time? It is possible to have residual feelings from past relationships; the heart is not a machine that can be switched on or off at will. Lying about them and pretending such feelings don’t exist is dangerous; they need to be confronted, acknowledged  and put in a place where those feelings  don’t affect new ones and destroy new loves!!

I wander how true it is that most wedding days begin with a yearning for lost loves!! That seems so sad to me; why yearn for what is gone when you could embrace what you have? It’s expensive to look back as we could lose the future; the glory is never in the past!!

The truth is, some relationships end through no fault of those involved; life deals some blows that are fatal.  It is my belief that the past is often clouded with nostalgia and as such creates heroes out of villains or paradises out of what was probably just a codependency formed by habit!! In some cases, the pain of heartbreak also doesn’t make for closure when a relationship ends.

No one likes rejection, It’s often a question of pride and I know some people who have done all they can to recapture old love only to find that they did not want it after all! Moving on is a sermon I preached to a young friend of mine not too long ago.

she was pressing the pause button on what could be a beautiful relationship in the hope that the one who rejected her would return. I should add here that I am deeply distrustful of those people who can cause someone heartbreak arbitrarily.

If we were all completely truthful, we would admit to having residues of emotions for past friends and lovers. The thing to never forget is that we are not who we were back then. We evolve emotionally, physically and spiritually. My views on life, love and God are completely different from a decade ago; life has changed me and will continue to do so.

It makes me completely unsuitable for whoever has feelings for the girl I was at 25; I am not her. I don’t think love is some euphoric emotion that is anti reality. If you love someone; you must be able to explain why; otherwise you are just fantasising.There are values and qualities that cause love to grow, looks are just to attract.

Love requires some form of reciprocity to thrive otherwise its obsession or stalking!! The sad truth is that true love is always close by but we miss it because we are looking back or straining our imaginations to catch a glimpse of what is at best a mirage.

Moving on in my view is the right decision after any ending, even in business… Hanging on to a lost love or relationship or even association is at best just sad. Its a time waster and no one should ever waste time.

Its okay to take time to heal and get over disappointment, loss or rejection. Healing truly begins when we say goodbye and move on. I really like the Johnny Walker advert that says “Just keep walking”, I would add with your head up and shoulders high; move on..


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