By Bunmi Sofola

A person desperate to have a relationship would swallow any lies dished out by an opportunist out to have a good time and nothing else. Often times though, you get trapped in the web of lies you weave and what happens? “Towards the end of last year, I put myself in a bit of trouble,” recalled Boye, a technician with a big IT company that specialises in installations of highly-sophisticated satellite products.

“One of our highly-valued technicians had a minor mishap and I was sent to replace him. The Saturday I got to this new location, there was this big society wedding and I was one of the crew that assembled the plasma television sets used to relay the event to the huge audience.  I had never seen so much food  and booze in my life! After installation,   a couple of us settled on one of the tables as soon as the boss left. Mingling with the guests with well-chilled champagne glass in my hand, I found myself socialising with a couple of giggly ladies who were obviously tipsy.

“As the evening wore on, I latched on to this lovely girl who obviously found me attractive. As we chatted, the booze must have played with imagination as I started giving this girl glowing accounts of my status. I lied about a lot of things because I thought it was going to be an out-of-station fling. I’d never given a thought to seeing her again, so I told her I ran the company that installed the entire electronics gadget. I pretended I drove a fancy car when I don’t even own one. I also gave the impression I lived in a big flat when all I have are two rooms in a sprawling building. My lies seemed harmless at the time and the two weeks I spent with her was fun.

“We continued phoning and texting with me lying I was too busy to travel down, the more we chatted on the phone the more I realised I really liked her. Then, she told me the ‘exciting’ news she would soon be in Lagos for another friend’s wedding. It was then I wished I’d let on I was bragging but I was worried that if I did, she’d go off me. But once she gets here, she’ll realise none of what I’ve told her is true.

She’ll see the real me and realize I’m not rich or a big shot and won’t be interested. I’m just hoping that if I entertained her lavishly, she would overlook all my whoppers!”

Boye won’t be the first guy to beef up his personality, especially when out of station and he wouldn’t be the first to have to admit he may have exaggerated things a little or a lot. He was in a posh setting and had to justify his being there by presenting himself as a glossed – up version of himself or who he wished he was. The irony of it all is that this girl too could have painted a rosier picture of her life. Unfortunately, she’ll be the one visiting and Boye would be the one who’s going to be found out first!

A few decades back, when travelling abroad was like winning the lottery, many hopeful men, relying on photograph, only when seeking future brides were almost shocked out of their skin at the flesh version of their intended when they eventually arrived; whilst the arranged brides wondered how on earth they were going to relate to their husbands who’d bought such wives lock stock end barrel.

The best way of handling being found out telling a whopper is to come clean either on the phone, by e-mail or a letter confessing what you did and why (you wanted to impress them and were worried they wouldn’t like you as you are). Tell them you’ve taken to them big time and this is why you haven’t come clean before now. You’re scared the “real” you wouldn’t be quite a catch.

You then list all the things you can offer in future: Honestly, affection, love, security and someone who’s willing to work hard to earn back the trust you have lost by lying. I told Boye his girl might be shocked and suspicious at first, but if her feelings are genuine, she won’t care less if he’s not rolling in that much dough (and if she does, good riddance!).

How to be divorced without too much bitterness
When your marriage seems to be crashing around your ears, do you kid yourself divorce is not a possibility! Now it’s dawned on you that you have to go your separate ways, how do  you handle it? In her book: How to have a Healthy Divorce, a relationship expert, Paul Hall  believes the only healthy way to deal with a divorce is to drop your defences and face the pain. In order to do this, we need to work out what our defences are- so we can clear them out of the way.

Some methods of coping, run so deep that we can see them ourselves Hall suggests also seeking the opinion of a good friend. Here is a list of a few common defences he points out!

Denial: You don’t want to accept the reality of what’s going on. You’ll say things like: ‘He’ll return, or it’s just a phase, or it’s a trial separation’ and you probably won’t tell many people what’s happened. But you’re only delaying the crisis. When reality hits, it’s like a train crash. The full force of the pain is felt for the first time.

Minimalisation: You accept that you’re getting divorced but you deny the pain. You’ll say things like: “I knew it wasn’t working so it’s for the best”, or, “I didn’t really love them anyway, so I’m relieved they’re gone”. )

When the pain hits, which it inevitably will, many minimisers find themselves having to convince friends that they’re not OK after all.

Intellectualisation: Rather than feel feelings, you analyze them. You’ll say things like: “I’ve been thinking about how I’d reacted to the separation and I think it’s really interesting how I’ve … or I’ve been thinking about why my partner left and reckon it is because … “In some situations, It’s not possible to find meaning, and intellectualising is just another way to avoid addressing emotional needs head-on.

Anger: Like other defences, anger can protect us from looking at our deeper fears and securities. You’ll think things like: “I hate him, and I’m never going to let him forget what he’s done to me.” It’s often hard for friends to support a person trapped in anger as the tough prickly exterior doesn’t seem to invite any comfort or consolation.
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Displacement: This means packing up your loss and pain and projecting it on to something or someone else – such as your children or your job. You’ll say things like: “I’m OK, I’m just really worried about the kids, or, I haven’t got time to think about the divorce, I’m too busy at work”

Being a Pollyanna: this is when you decide to react in a relentlessly positive way to something most people would find devastating. You’ll say things like: “I’m so pleased to finally have the house to myself and I’m so relieved it’s over – It’s the best thing that could have possibly happened.” But while you’re absorbed by your positive emotions, the equally real negative ones remain unaddressed. Dropping a defence is a painful decision to make and may be hard emotionally. In the long term, however, it is the only way to start getting on with the rest of your life.

WHAT AN EARFULL! (Humour)
A posh lady and a working class lady are in hospital after having their third babies. The posh lady says: “My husband bought me a Mercedes for our first baby.” “That’s nice,” the working class lady replies. “For our second baby”, the posh lady continues, “he bought me a beautiful diamond necklace” “That’s nice,” the working-class lady replies.

“So, the posh lady says, What did your husband buy you for your first baby?” “Elocution lessons”, the working-class lady replies. “Why”, the  posh lady asks. “Because I use to say ‘I don’t give a*****!” the working class lady answers. “But now, I just say … ‘That’s nice’

WHERE THERE’S A WILL? (Humour)
A university lecturer is reminding her students of the next day’s exam. “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here,” She tells them. “I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, or illness, or possibly even a death in your family – but nothing else!”

One student at the back of the room raises his handand  asks:
“What if tomorrow I said I was suffering from a complete sexual exhaustion?” “Well, the lecturer replies, “I suppose you’d have to write with your other hand.”