By Bunmi Sofola

There are some experiences you would have laughed at as being ludicrous if they hadn’t happened to you. For two years, Michelle, a 30-year-old IT analyst was blissfully in love with her man of two years. She was more financially well off than he was but after a year together, Anthony, her beau, convinced her he wasn’t a gold-digger.

According to her, “Watching him help out at my house, decorating and helping with my cars convinced me that perhaps we did have a future together. So, when he started urging me to start making wedding plans, I was very excited. He was a very handsome man with whom I was sure we would make lovely babies.

Then we decided he would stay with me a few days during this last holiday, so he wouldn’t have to travel forwards and backwards all of the time. He went to work, of course, and in the evenings we would either stay in or eat out. This went on for a few days until the night he didn’t come home when it was 11 p.m. I was a bit worried – it was unlike him: I called his mobile – it was switched off. I called the special one I gave him and that one kept on ringing. Was he involved in an accident?  I waited another 30 minutes, then called him again on the mobile I gave him for solely calls to each other. It rang once, then I heard muffed sounds.  “Hello”, I called, relieved.  “It is me!”.  No answer.  Just the sound of what seemed like heavy breathing, and a woman was shrieking in the background.

“Next I heard his laughter and what sounded like a radio. Was he in the car with a girl? I guessed his phone must have been in his pocket. As he moved around, he’d accidentally pressed the answer button without realising it. I could hear the pair kissing, then Anthony said, ‘Let me put on this condom’.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was furious as I phoned his other mobile. I could hear it vibrating somewhere but he just ignored it. I was in shock as I listened to him making love to another woman. The filthy things they said to each other made my blood boil. Then, I heard him say goodnight and shut the car door. I phoned his other mobile and this time he answered. ‘Hello, darling’, he said smoothly, I’ll soon be home – had to work late in the office because of the holidays’

‘You bastard’, I yelled down the phone.  ‘I heard everything that just went on in that car, you maniac”.  By the time he came back, I’d already packed his bags. How could I be so wrong about him? How could he cheat on me after almost breaking his back to prove I was the one for him? He left looking really pathetic but over the next few days bombarded me with calls that I ignored.

Out of desperation, he went to my best friend who insisted that I owed it to him to give him another chance, or, at least, listen to what he had to say. So, I agreed to see him, determined to tell him to go to hell.

“Only, he looked so contrite that I felt sorry for him. He opened his personal mobile tossed the SIM card into the bin. I felt terribly confused. I still wanted him of course, but in my head, his apologies merged with the sound of him bonking another woman in my car. “He wore me down in the end and we picked up the pieces of our romance. He seldom stayed in his flat – he was all the time in my house since we’d agreed he would move in after we got married. Then, shortly after the New Year, we were at his place and he was in the bathroom when I decided to do some detective work. I quickly ransacked his bedroom and couldn’t believe it when I came across a stack of love letters under his bed – all from different women saying how much they loved and missed him! Was there no end to this man’s unfaithfulness.

“I said nothing, of course, but the next day, I told my PA to return the letters to him at his office. He knew he’d burnt his fingers this time, yet he had the nerve to tell me I shouldn’t have been snooping around his personal belongings, that the love letters were from past girlfriends. Who did he think I was, a nitwit? Needless to say, that was the death-knell to our so-called romance. We’ve had no contacts since then – my wedding dreams now in ruins! Did this man ever love me as I loved him? Or, was he just a randy opportunist who sniffed out how well off I was and used it to his advantage?”

WHY TIT-FOR TAT AFFAIRS SELDOM WORK.
SOME men may be in affairs because they feel trapped by the responsibility of running a home, or paying school fees. A lot of men are not emotionally- mature enough to cope and escape from what they see as this ‘burden’ into a carefree, illicit romance. For other men, an affair is more a romance of change and opportunity, a business trip or the fact that his wife’s away from home.

Carol Botwin, in her book on Male Infidelity, also notes that: “Yet, most women, confronted by the traditional warning sign of someone constantly hanging up on the phone – a great way women know deep down that their men are being unfaithful – don’t admit it. Women have a strong intuition, good instinct – if we’re really anxious about our spouses, very often, there’s a good reason. But often times, we ignore not only our gut feelings, but a tangible evidence like losing his wedding ring or the fact that a man whose personal grooming regime was at best tolerable was now a resemblance of a sleek actor’s, advertising the latest after-shave.”

Continued Botwin: “Short of actually catching our loved one red-handed, most of us women have an incredible facility for bunkering out the signals. There are even wives and girlfriends who have been known to turn a blind eye to soiled sheets or the discovery of someone else’s knickers stuffed under the passenger seat of the family car”. But why do we just decide to plaster on a grin and bear such painful, outrageous discoveries? “Acknowledging the truth is frightening,” admits the author. “It is threatening.

A woman in this position is afraid of shaking up the relationship. She thinks if she says something, maybe he’ll leave her for the other woman. Not knowing that if you want it to stop, you have to confront him, because otherwise, you become a party to the affair. It’s like being an accessory to the crime. If you ignore the signs, then after that point, there is collusion, a tacit approval on your part. You are condoning the fact that he is sleeping with another woman. “Pretending the problem doesn’t exist is not going to make it go away. One of the worst things that a woman could do, though is embark on an `I’ll-show-him’ affair herself.

It becomes a rotten experience, because you’re doing it out of revenge. You might not even enjoy it, and there is a danger that it might degenerate into a round of tit-for-tat infidelity with the relationship becoming irrevocably damaged. So, what does the wife do when she approaches the crossroads of infidelity?

“Sit and analyse what they want,” the author feels.

The  initial desire may be to cut his designer-clothes into shreds, pour water in his petrol tank or run up a huge bill on his credit card if he has any. There are women who can never love a man who had cheated! And, when speaking hypothetically, most women declare that, “if he does this, I will never stand for it and he has to go.” “When the lipsticks-stained shirt does hit the fan, however, in reality, if you love him, you have an investment in him.

And, actually most women don’t really want to throw their man out. But they do want the affair to end. “What I do recommend is that after the initial explosion, you sit down and try to control the situation, adopt a business-like attitude. You have to diffuse the anger you feel by being cheated on, so that after the first outburst, confrontations are not full of ranting and raving. Before you sit down and talk to him, go into a room and use your fists to pound against a pillow or give silent screams. Imagine that you’re either pummeling his head or the other woman’s.

“Ironically, women tend to get obsessed with the details of the affair itself. What was she like? How many times did you do it? Where did you go together?” But far more important than what he did and how often, is what this relationship means to him. Is he emotionally involved with her? Is it just sexual – brief encounter. Something he only does when he goes on the road … ? And, most importantly, is he willing to give her up?

“One thing no wife can expect, however, is to be able to force a change in her husband or lover. There is no change without a desire to change on his part. And, so one of the things that you have to deal with is why the affair took place. Was it his own insecurity? Was it that you were pregnant?

I’ve lost count of all the horror stories about women who were being cheated on throughout their pregnancy. If he does vow to change, and many men petrified by the realization that they really do value their marriage and don’t want to destroy it, can and do change, not only must he give up the other woman, but the marriage must be healed.’
CLEVER OR WHAT! (HUMOUR)

A teacher asks her class to make a sentence using the word ‘fascinate’. Molly puts her hand up and announces. “My family went to visit my grandad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”. “The teacher says: “That was very good, Molly, but I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”

Sally then raises her hands and pipes up: “My family went to see the sights in London and I was fascinated”. The teacher says: “Well, that was good too, Sally, but I really want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated”.  Finally,  Johnny at the back of the class raises his hand and shouts: “My Aunt Gina has a Cardigan with 10 buttons down the front – but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.”