By Ebele ORAKPO
Kill and dry! Buy your original rat poison. Get rid of rats from your home. Don’t share your apartment with rats because they don’t pay rent,” came the coarse voice of a young man, his wares, various brands of rat poison, hanging from his neck.

“Wonderful things happen in Lagos, no wonder it is nicknamed ‘Eko for show,’” commented Felicia, one of the commuters in this 18-seater passenger bus. Another commuter by name Sam asked her to recommend the best rat poison to use for the destructive pests that had virtually taken over his home.

Said Sam seemingly innocently: “Felicia, please which rat poison would you recommend for these troublesome rats in my home. I need the most effective of the lot,” whereupon Felicia retorted good-naturedly: “Why did you pick on me? Am I the only person here?

And do I look like a rat poison seller?” This caused ripples of laughter from other commuters.

“I know why I asked you. You are a good businesswoman who deals in any lucrative ware,” replied Sam. “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Felicia replied sarcastically.
Said Yinka: “You did well to ask, Sam, because Lagos rats and mice are like no other in the universe.

It was in Lagos that I saw rats as big as rabbits, swimming comfortably. I was flabbergasted. The two big rats jumped inside the overflowing gutter, like professional divers. Initially, I was happy that they won’t come out alive but to my astonishment, they not only came out alive, they seemed to have had a good swim!”

“That pales into insignificance when compared to what I witnessed in Ajegunle, Lagos. One evening, I was just strolling when I saw a rat trading words with a cat,” said Okey.

At this point, the laughter ceased momentarily and Comfort said: “Haba Okey! Please say something plausible. “This is no joke,” Okey maintained. “As Nigerians would say, I saw it with my two naked eyes. I saw the cat first closely watching the rat from some distance away; trying to catch it for dinner. Suddenly, the rat sensing danger, turned its head and saw the cat. Immediately, it stood on its hindfeet and was making some funny noise while gesticulating as if daring the cat to come and catch it.”

Said Ali: “It might be true. Animals are becoming wiser. After all, during the just-concluded Commonwealth Games in India, monkeys were used as security agents although stories had it that if you have a banana to spare, you will escape the monkey’s ugly hands.”

“Security agents indeed! But, what could have given the rat such confidence? asked Joe laughing

“I think the adage that says familiarity breeds contempt is apt here. Perhaps, they have been living together for so long that the rat began to forget that it is a rat but sees itself as a cat,” answered Okey.

“That may be correct. I remember some years back in Zaria, a lot of rats had invaded our house because we had a lot of grains in the house so they were really having a field day.

It was like the first settlers went back to where ever they had come from to invite the entire clan,” narrated Hassan.

“It got so bad that even in broad daylight, you will see about three to five rats dancing on the dining table while people are sitting close by. My aunt got so angry that she bought a kitten.

As soon as the kitten came in and began to meow in its tiny voice, the rats scurried into hiding, terrified. We thought it was over until the third day, some came out as usual and when the cat began to meow again, they stopped for a second, observed the kitten and then continued to play, ignoring the poor kitten completely because they must have reasoned that they were all of the same size,” everyone was roaring with laughter.

Continued Hassan: “A week later, the kitten pounced on one and killed and ate it. From that day, the rats disappeared knowing it was no longer business as usual.”

“Even Lagos mosquitoes are of a different make. Fans and air-conditioners scare away normal mosquitoes but Lagos mosquitoes seem to love the cool air. The just perch on the victim and take their sweet time and suck your blood while you sleep soundly,” noted Ben.

“Who says laughter is not a good medicine? We’ve all forgotten we have been in this gridlock for over three hours,” Ngozi reminded all.