Hello Jerome,

I love your articles. I have a situation in my hands. A guy saw my picture on Facebook last December and wanted to date me. I ignored him till three weeks ago when I accepted. He works offshore with Total in Port-Harcourt. I work in Abuja in a bank. He spoke to his friend about me and his friend told him that bankers are proud, career-minded, amongst other things. He later asked me this morning about it and I answered by asking him what he really wants in a woman. I also told him to take the next two days off for us to think about the impending relationship in two ways:

1] What happens if I refuse to give up my career, even if the need arises?

2] How will he handle the situation? Do you think I made a mistake by telling him to do that?

Ijeoma

Dear Ijeoma,

Thanks for your mail. Are you very familiar with the use of Facebook? There are usually a lot of pictures of females on Facebook and men who usually ask for a relationship straight away without asking to know you, first browse other females’ profiles and may be asking about three other females for the same thing as well. So, if you actually think you are the only one he is asking out, the chances are that you may be wrong because he is also asking other females out too. You see, it has become more of a try-your-luck thing since you didn’t tell me that both of you have been chatting on Facebook for some time, and during the course of that time found out that you had so much in common. On Facebook (and similar media) you can have common friends, common causes, fans of the same kind of honourable people etc. I believe during this time you would have also found out more about each other’s personality, schedule, interests etc. as you read the posts on each other’s wall or status. As you do this, you may make gradual progress towards developing further interest in each other and as you do, it will no longer be about you being a banker but being a person. Before you became a banker, you were first you. Banking is where you find yourself now but maybe some other career later; because people are becoming so dynamic these days that it’s difficult to contain them as they discover more about themselves. Meanwhile, there is a warning signal, already, about your Facebook boyfriend, which is: he may always seek second opinion from others about anything that concerns you or both of you. It just might get worse in the future as he begins to get this second opinion from his mother, because I am not sure you will appreciate the kind of comments that might come from her. I can detect from the questions you are asking your Facebook boyfriend that you are an independent-minded lady and many mothers in-law do not think well of independent-minded daughters in-law in this part of the world. So, why don’t you ask your Facebook boyfriend to give both of you some time to still know each other enough before making further commitments? Though some people tell lies on Facebook, nobody is invisible; we still know those that lie from those that tell the truth.

Hello Jerome,

I just met a young man who is asking me to marry him. My problem is that I am a national diploma student and wish to further my education. I love him and don’ want to lose him. Please advise.

Rosy

Dear Rosy,

It’s good to know that you just met a man who is asking for your hands in marriage. A lot of ladies out there may call you “blessed”, because that is what they ever wish for at this time of their lives. I wish I could call you blessed too. But, before I do that, I will want you to know that you have a big choice to make that will determine so much about your future. If you marry him now, there is a possibility that you may never have a chance to further your education as you want now as some men have done to ladies who were in this situation before you. Immediately after wedding, they close all doors of such possibility by asking them to first have a child for them and then they can continue with their education. Immediately after the child is born, these same men become something else and start giving conditions like: “Well, I am not asking you not to further your education, but you will have to decide if it’s education you want or you want to be my wife, because if it’s education you want, then you can as well go back to your father’s house and let them educate you. But, you must leave my child while you go!”

You see, that way so many young ladies have been trapped to live below their capabilities in life. Some have been courageous to give such marriages up and every other thing that goes with it to better their lives. But how many ladies in such situation can do that? So, think about it and make a choice you won’t regret later. If you marry now and find out that’s where your life ends, there will be regrets. And if you marry and walk out when you feel trapped, you will still have regrets of going in at all.

Discuss with this man and if he will wait for you, better. But, if he won’t wait, let him go. That might just be the best in the given situation.

Hello Jerome,

I read your articles and would like to know what to do in case you are married and found out that your spouse is masturbating?

Ngo baby

Dear Ngo,

If you catch your spouse masturbating when you are available to please him and he is not coming to you, there may be the possibility that your sexual life together is no longer anything to write home about, if it ever was at anytime. Or, there may also be the possibility that he has had a lustful desire for pornography which you never discovered until now. Or, maybe he is doing it for some other reason.

The most important thing you have to note is that his acts of masturbation is just a symptom of an underlying problem, and a big problem for that matter too.

Well, like you said, he is your spouse and I want to believe that being your spouse, he is also your friend. As friends, both of you may sit down and carefully discuss this. He may open up to you about areas of his life that he had kept away from you for some time; depending on the way you approach him. If it’s not with a condemning attitude, it may be the only reasonable thing left to do talk to you about it.

You may need to forgive him irrespective of what he says to you and then encourage him to get help because, he may need help since such habits may be difficult to break.

I don’t mind helping out if he needs help. Get help on time too; masturbation may destroy your sexual life and other areas of your marriage. What is wrong with masturbation, anyway? Well, it is simply sex by yourself of which you are the giver and the taker! And, it is not the plan for sex. Period!

Hello Jerome,

My loneliness is driving me crazy. The same routine every day! Come back from work, cook and tidy up the whole place just for me. It’s so empty, so pointless.

Esther