Hello Jerome,

I know that what I am doing is wrong and that’s why I need help. I had earlier spoken to you. My husband has been cheating on me for a long time. I had cause to talk to him to ease things between us, but he won’t listen. We both good jobs, but my husband’s takes him away for, at least, a month or two before he comes home. We have two children.

The issue here is that, recently, I met a young man who is separated from his wife. He has simply been all over me. I have not had sex with him, but he makes me feel loved and appreciated. He has helped me to regain my self confidence. I don’t want to continue to offend God but I can’t seem to break free from this relationship. I need help. I want to obey God.

Okeimute.

Dear Okeimute,

Thanks for sharing your predicament with me. I hope we can work through all the issues. I have realized that the greatest ironies of life include: having the right person at the wrong time; having the wrong person when the time is right; and, finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight.

In other words, sometimes, everything just doesn’t work out the way we expect in our relationships; and that goes for most people.

How can we make our relationships work despite all the odds we face? I believe that every marriage is as strong as the people in it. I won’t advise anyone who is not strong enough to live by faith and not by sight to get married. I will not advise anyone who is not whole, by this I mean complete in his or her Maker, to get married.

Most people go into marriage with expectations that are impossible. When those unrealistic expectations are not met, they turn to other people to the detriment of their spouses, who may become vulnerable to things that they could have protected each other from.

Okeimute, you have done well by asking for help. I am sure that you are also asking for help because you have a conscience that will not allow you to do things that are out of order; this being an area of concern with most people all over the world today. More and more people seem to harden their conscience these days as could be seen in the things they tend to find comfort doing; things that only reveal that most of us lack values, even value for our own lives and future.

Okeimute, I know that when you discovered that your husband was cheating on you, you were very upset; upset more at the fact that you tried talking to him to see that even though he has betrayed you, you still wanted to help him to make amends so both of you will not forfeit the dream of living happily ever after. Little did you know that he had gone far from reason.

You see, when we refuse to retain God in our knowledge and believe that He is too old-fashioned to teach us how we should live our lives, God gives us up to a reprobate mind to do the things that are not convenient. A reprobate mind is one that cannot differentiate between right and wrong. That might be the case with your husband, at the moment. But, there is hope for him and for your marriage too.

When a woman tells her husband that she does not like a particular lady hanging around him and the husband keeps defending this ‘strange woman’ around him, giving reasons why she has to always be around him even when those reasons are not tenable, the probability that he has a reprobate mind is high.

I have never seen any instance where a woman warns her husband about a particular lady and he refuses to listen without bitter consequences following. I hope men will listen to their wives more. Believe me, as a personal counsellor, I know that there are so many strange ladies out there waiting to turn men to “piece of bread”. I also know that men who love God are usually difficult for these ladies to trap.

Okeimute, you seem to be so concerned that he is unfaithful to you. You have missed the fact that he is first unfaithful to himself. He is, at this time, open to the attack of the enemy and is only co-operating with his enemies to pull him down. It’s just a matter of time before the enemies of his soul attack the work of his hands and his health. By the time they leave him, if he is still alive and the mercy and grace of God is not sought for, first on his behalf, before he can even see the prisoner he has become, he may just be a caricature of what he used to be.

And for you to know that this is real war against your husband and one that the enemy wants you and your children to lose, the enemy has got you, your husband’s intercessor, in chains as well so that you may never look up to heaven and cry to God on his behalf.

I am not one who dictates that women should always be the ones to pray to save their homes from attack that may come to them as a family, because I know that long ago, it was the man who played that role and played it well. However, as things stand now, Okeimute, it is you who has to stand in that position until your General, your husband, can take his place again as heaven smiles at you for a job well done. Nevertheless, since you have asked for help, it’s not too late.

In conclusion, I want to let you know that you got into adultery on your own volition because you judged yourself better than your husband. It has been said that we should not judge so that we will not be judged because we shall be judged in the same manner we judge others. It has also been said: “Let him that thinks he stands, take heed so he doesn’t fall,” because pride always leads to a fall.

If you take time out to review everything, you will realise that God has nothing to do with the proud. History has shown that He always resists them. The first step you need to take now is to admit that it has been by the grace of God that you have been able to stand, when your husband fell, and not by your own ability. When you realise this and ask God for forgiveness, He will make you soar on eagles’ wings far above the enemies of your soul.

Secondly, you had been carried away by how righteous you were and how unrighteous your husband is. That is the reason you have refused to forgive him; you believe that he owes you. Therefore, you have been trapped by ‘unforgiveness’; which makes us become exactly like the one we refuse to forgive.

Unforgiveness demands that those who offend us must pay for what they have done. Truth is, you can never move ahead of those you try to get even with; you will always be behind chasing them. It’s no surprise that one ends up becoming exactly like such people.

That is the reason most of us have done to our children what we accused our parents of doing to us. So, please forgive your husband and you will realise that, little by little, the chains of the enemy over you will start to drop. Then, ask God to forgive you as you have forgiven your husband and believe God for grace that will make a difference in your life. God will begin to orchestrate events beyond your expectations; you will realise that that man taking advantage of you now is not better than your husband and that he could be probably worse. You will discover that he is not the fantastic saviour you think he is because your eyes will be ‘opened’.

You will then have the courage to leave him and stand again with God. And, once you can stand before God, every other thing is subject to you. Okeimute, you were born to reign and to rule with God. Now, I believe, you will see marriage in perspective. And, your husband? Well, you will tell the rest of the story triumphantly.

For counselling with Jerome on relationships, marriage and career, call 08037194335 or 08053537663. Don’t forget to add me as friend on FACEBOOK ass Jerome Yaovi Codjo-Onipede.