Candida, thank gooness for aÂ Â realistic person like you,â€ wrote Bianca from Lagos. â€˜â€™Iâ€™m one of your most religious readers and often, when I read about men who are unfaithful to their wives and maltreat their lovers, leaving them bitter and twisted, my blood boils!
Only, you seldom read about married women doing the same thing – except women in your group who are honest with each other. Why is this? Is it because you and your friends are a rare breed or because other women out there would rather keep sealed lips) You see, like you lot, Iâ€™m what a lot of people resent – 50 something woman having an affair.
â€œIâ€™ve been married for over 25 years. My lover is a divorcee and weâ€™ve been seeing each other for over 10 years. My husband suspects nothing and thatâ€™s the way it will stay. Heâ€™s happy with his life and has a wife who looks after him deeply and I have my home and family on one side and a man who loves me very much on the other side.
I admit that Iâ€™m selfish, but this affair didnâ€™t just happen. I craved affection. My husband is caring but shows little or no warmth to me. I was scared I would be doomed to going through life accepting this was my lot until I met my lover.
â€œA friend introduced us and we didnâ€™t immediately want to tear each otherâ€™s clothes off. As a matter of fact, it was a long time before we became intimate. Sometimes, my lover talks about how good it would be to have me there all the time, but Iâ€™m sure heâ€™d go mad if I was.
Donâ€™t for a moment think Iâ€™m heartless. I despise men who run their wives down so they . would get into their lovers pants without any intention of keeping any of their wildÂ promises. Iâ€™ve told my lover I wonâ€™t leave my husband and have given him the chance to get out if he wants. But he likes our set-up and we complement each other.
â€œYouâ€™re lucky to have a crop of friends you can discuss your escapades with. Most of my friends are prudes and telling them anything might result into their blabbing to my husband. Iâ€™m sure some of your judgmental readers wont agree with me, yet thatâ€™s what life is all about. We cant all feel the same way and we should take the time to hear one another out.
We need to let off steam occasionally and often, we need to talk about something we cant discuss with those who are close to us. Thatâ€™s why your column comes in handy to tell lovers pictures are not always black or white – there are different shades in between.”
Bianca must either be leading a sheltered life and is quite unaware of what the dating scene is today, or she has a very small circle of friends who would rather keep their escapades close to their heart. After I got separated from my husband, I thought my circle of friends would dwindle.
That didnâ€™t happen – instead, I discovered that the wings that marriage clipped has grown stronger! An ex-boyfriend was quite excited that Iâ€™d given my ex the push. Heâ€™d been constantly frustrated in his efforts for us to have a semblance of what Bianca had, but my ex being master of the game himself knew all the tricks and pre-emptedÂ my moves most of the time.
Now that I was foot loose and fancy free, my lover took me on a tour of some of the West African countries, booking us into a couple of presidential suits and drenching me with gifts. I was in seventh heaven – until I discovered I was exchanging one jailer for the other. I was on my first trip abroad with him when he started trailing me allover the place. His excuse) If I could encourage him whilst I was married what stopped me from doing the same thing now I freely could?
Painstakingly, I plotted his exit and ended up with another snarling ex on my hand! So good luck to you Bianca You seem to be enjoying the best of both worlds and if you could have hung on to your nice arrangement all these years, you must be doing something right. Only your man seems a genuine man, though a bit dull.
Lillian, my good friend, didnâ€™t embark on a philandering streak until she discovered her husband was not only two-timing her with a lover he passed on as a relation, Ayoka, the lover ended up having two childrenÂ by him. Ini and her husband never pretended they would be forever faithful to each other and have adopted the â€˜hear no evilâ€™ see no evilâ€™ doctrine!
But we do sound each other outÂ from time to time and are ready to cover up for a friend if need be. And thatâ€™s what I did not so long ago when Rex, Lillianâ€™s husband came home unexpectedly from the village when my poor friend had perfected a plan to spend a whole night with her current â€˜shock absorberâ€™.
Heâ€™d been the most generous of Lillianâ€™sÂ â€˜findsâ€™Â and at her age, sheâ€™d more or less resigned herself to the once-in-a-blue-moon boring sex her old lover offers. But Haruna, this new find is a bit younger, seems to actually like her and had spin a lot of yarn to his wife to stay away for the night. He was already in a posh hotel waiting the arrival of Lillian when her husband called he was almost home. She quickly told him she wasnâ€™t home but had just arrived a party with me.
Within minutes, she was at mine and I called Rex back about a non-existent aunt that just died and how we were both neck deep in activities of the funeral reception. He was dead tired from his trip, he said. He would ask the maid to prepare something for him to eat.
Then I pushed my luck a bit. The venue of the party was on the outskirt of Lagos and it wouldnâ€™t be wise to do the long haul back to the island in the night. So first thing in the morning, I would drop Lillian at the house on our way from the party. He had no objection!Â We both squealed with relieved laughter as Lillian made her way to her tryst!