Iâ€™ve been fantasizing this time of the year. About how wonderful it would be if I could actually get married again. And give being a full-time house-wife (or is it home-maker they call it these days?)Â ago.Â I mean, who wouldnâ€™t want to wonder around the house all day, barking orders at the domesticsÂ Â before popping to the gym, then to the hair dresserâ€™s?
Only one has to be home early to make sure the cook preparesÂ hubbyâ€™s favourite – not what took his (the cook I mean)Â fancy! On the way home, I could pop into a super-mall, or even a boutique and buy some delicacies and one or two pieces of jewellery. With the festive periodsâ€™ feelings still lingering, oneÂ should spare no expense being well-decked.
Okay, itâ€™s all a joke. I know being a house-wife these days is not what itâ€™s cracked up to be. I know itâ€™s hard.,, hard work; so much so that a lot of women believe it should be given monetary value. Like a goodÂ Â â€˜homemakerâ€™, friend of mine puts it, â€œIf a man didnâ€™t have a handy wife to care for his children, do his laundry, cook his meals, clean his house and have sex with him, heâ€™d have to pay someone else to do itâ€.
If we were to be really frank though, even well-paid women with stressful jobs earning almost as muchÂ as hubby would admit theyâ€™d love to just give it all up and be supported by someone else. â€œIt has do with the failure of the womenâ€™s liberation movement,â€™ continued my homemaker friend.
â€œA lot of todayâ€™s women had seen their own mothers, products of feminism, trying to have it all – home, children, job – and instead just ending up doing it all! In other words, the womenâ€™s movement had been a waste of time: that women didnâ€™t actually want careers at all- just to be well looked after by their hubbies. Instead, man seems to have it all and all because women are being wives to two people – their partners and themselvesâ€.
But, this is the 21st century for goodness sake! The women are virtually standing on their heads. The eye-popping gears they adorn at parties, accessorized by exquisite jewellery, which prices could float a bank, would make the average man balk at having one of them as a wife!
Those women should keep such man as house-husbands if they are not so selfish. â€œWhatâ€™s so selfish about that?â€ Ini, my super modern â€˜house wifeâ€™ friend wanted to know.â€™â€™ â€œYou remember Ekoh, my milliner classmate, who got married to a man way below her level because she wanted children by a fairly younger man?
After over 10 years of marriage, the husband now believes heâ€™s the bread winner, barking orders all the time and â€˜putting my foot downâ€™ every time Ekoh raised any objections to the way he was frittering away herÂ hard-earned cash.
To add insult to injury, she was on her way to the car park recently when she saw her one-in-town car crawling through the traffic. Fuming that her husband hadÂ taken it in spite of her objection, she marchedÂ Â towards the car only to find her husband in the passenger seat – the car was being driven by a total stranger and â€˜Lâ€™ plates were on the car!
â€œNot surprisingly, Ekoh flipped. She waved the car down and the husband had a sullen look on his face. She ignored him. â€˜Hello,â€™ she said to this female driverÂ gritting her teeth, what are you doing driving my car?â€™ The girl looked embarrassed. As Ekoh continued to grill her, she noticed hubby had scampered out of the car, nowhere to be found.
She would haveÂ handed the girl over to the police for stealing her car and used her influence to make sure she was locked up for days, but what good would that do? â€œ
Iâ€™m still in this marriage – could-be fun mood in spite of negative opinions of friends. It would be nice, for a start, to sleep in as long as you want instead of getting up at the crack of dawn to prepare breakfast for the family then squeeze into your power suit and stilettos that torture, anddash into work. Now, the perks of a good office atmosphere springs to mind; all those nattily dresses men, married or single, winking seductively at you – not to mention the bold ones who wouldnâ€™t mind dragging you to bed if you gave the nod.
Does it matter, all they have to offers may be a cosy lunch or a riotous one at a â€˜point-and-killâ€™ pepper soup shack!? Decisions.Decisions!
A stress-free, stay-at-home life might seem attractive, but I would climbÂ the wall if I couldnâ€™t work. Imagine preparing hubbyâ€™s nosh only for him to come in really late, scowling defensively as he tells you heâ€™s had a hearty lunch at the officeâ€™s board â€˜meetingâ€™ or that he wasnâ€™t plain hungry?
Has he been to his mistress again?, you wonder. A few weeks ago, Ini, my quasi-house wife bosom friend, was feeling good about the presents hubby brought back for her from his last trip that she personally prepared the banga soup and starch he always favoured. When he didnâ€™t come home at bed-time, Ini left a note that his meal was in the microwave. She was too tired to wait up for him, so she hit the sack.
â€œI didnâ€™t know when he finally showed upâ€, said Ini, â€˜ but come the next day, he thanked me for taking such pains to prepare his favourite meal, which he took so much delight in eating. I was pleased as punch. I went to let in the cook so he could wash up only to find all the plates clean.
I peeped into the bin expecting to find pieces of bone from the soup only to find it empty. I became slightly suspicious. My husband told me he emptied the bin because he didnâ€™t want rats running all over the house. All this he did in the dead of the night!?
â€œOn my way back to work, I wanted the night-guard to give some shoes to a cobbler when I saw him polishing off what looked like my banga soup with his wife. â€˜Oga gave you that?â€™ I asked. â€˜Yes, madamâ€™, he answered happily, â€˜my wife don wash plate, give am back.â€™ I was livid.
All he could have done was put my food back in the fridge instead of giving such delicacy to a toothy Mallam in an effort to give the impression heâ€™d scoffed the lot!â€™.
May be I should stick to my power-suits after all! Married or single, both have their advantages and disadvantages.
I was married before, I reminded myself, to a violent and selfish man who was also a chronic philanderer. Iâ€™mÂ really fine as I am; thank you very much!.
I .might not have a permanent husband racking his brain on how to give me the slip to be with his mistress for an hour or two, but I do have some interesting men in my life.