By Emma Okocha
[at the Kirikiri base of the Vanguard Regimental Headquarters enter the officers, this time led by the the veteran Deputy Commander, General One Leg Jonathan Boji – BojiÂ Atamuna, the Prince from Igalaland. By his side is Col. Ibrahim Naira Abubakar,…Swaggering from the rear is the charismatic Adjutant, Major Olabisi Olakankita with Major 419 Oboh Utueke…..Admiral Kai Kai Resource Control Omorege is off on a sea exercise in the international waters. General One Leg Atamuna addresses the officers…..]
General One Leg Atamuna: Major, without waiting for your Sitrep, I declare a national emergency. The GOC remains unaccounted for. The last time we heard of him, your sitrep mentioned Ok Shrine, another amplified by the BBC Hausa Radio announced to the world that he is alive but still handcuffed by the cabal in the desert sands of Jeddah.
Major Olabisi-Olakankita: Sir, Aswere. Go back . As the Adjutant I pray you to respect protocol. I have here the letters written by the base Commander transferring command to you in his absence. I shall order for the parade and read the letters.
Only after your Commander’s Ceremonial Parade, shall we recognize you as the Base Commander, pending the return of the Admiral KK. That is the Military tradition and I hope the bloody civilians will learn how to do the same according to the Constitution. That over, shall I go ahead to open up the case file of the First and Half First Ladies. Infact, the Trial is case No. 41900….The Case of The First And Half First Ladies Vs the People of Nigeria.
Major 419 Oboh-Utueke: This is straight 419. You forget that this is my trade before I joined the army. What is that? First And Half First Ladies? Are you saying we have more that One First Lady and when is any of the First Ladies described as a Half First Lady? What is happening to this Kirikiri country? After the Kirikiri Admiral episode, this place have been moving too fast to the precipice and breaking all the caveman records.
Col. Abubakar-Naira: Allah, you have not seen anything yet.. wait till the half First Lady comes on board. If the Otiwa-Titi Torah is all about negotiating and selling off Nigeria, putting prices and selling off the Ministerial positions, supporting the fattest cat in the forthcoming Inambra Sheriff elections,Â offering Abuja to the highest bidder, just wait for Lucky’s incoming half First Lady.
Major 419:Â Chineke what shall we do . All roads lead to damnation. This half or one quarter incoming First Lady will be the worst. Her religion is gold and she wakes up 4am every night to worship diamonds. She can only take her bath when the bath is mixed with warm water and the rare South Africa diamonds.
General One Leg Atamuna:Â Major, Call the case!!Â Call the case now!!! [ but the Major is distracted by the sudden entry of a gentleman inside the parade grounds]
Atonijie-Body Odor- Akata-aKa: I’m the Amicus Curiae in this court. You have no Constitutional Jurisdiction to try this case of the First and Half Ladies against the people. Especially when the people have been worked into praying mantises. They shall see no evil, hear no evil and smell no bad odor.
Col. Abubakar- Naira: Sir,Â I told you guys, expect more drama before we get into the substantive case. In Jos they kill, and in nearby Kaduna the same killers of both religions come together to pray for the Awool-GOC. On getting paid for their prayers, they move into Bauchi and resume killing each other. Go to Idamawa, the old Admiral who is the Sheriff, has four First Ladies.
The Constitution is silent on how many First Ladies can parade with the Sheriff on a particular day to a particular function. So we are worrying about one and half First Lady when a precedent of four First Ladies have been starring us in the face.
Atonijie Body Odor-Akata-aka: This a Human Rights case. The GOC is terribly indisposed and the nation, Muslims, Christians, Born Agains, Pagans, Diaper Bombers, aeroplane flying Pastors who see and talk to God, Prophets, Seers, Moroabouts, Magicians, including the special Nigerian breed, my favorites … the Yorubas refer to themÂ as the ”Meta lo-kan” i.e Three In One!.
These Christians go to Jerusalem, must also undergo the Hajj but at the slightest opportunity are serious worshipers of Ogun, Shango and Amadioha! Their forefathers took the Yoruba Vodoo to Brazil, the Benin Oromokpo to Cuba and the Ibo Igba Ndu Vodoo to Haiti. All these characters have been mobilized to pray for the GOC to wake up. This no time to put the distressed family…..
General Boji-Boji One Leg Atamuna: Enough is Enough! As an Amicus Curiae, I really cannot pronounce your name, I reserve the right to admit you in my court or reject your plea. If it is a Human Rights issue why would Titi-Ntorah be consumed by State sponsorships of her daughters’ everyday weddings.
And not the health of her man. Even with her Awool-GOC unaccounted for, her abounding interest, are State House weddings. Throughout her tenure, she gave away all her daughters to businessmen, Governors, and oil mandarins, in state ceremonies paid for by the tax payers. If you are a teacher, cleric or an astronomer do not come near her daughters.
The GOC was still handcuffed in the desert heat when she was busy preparing another of her daughter’s state sponsored wedding to a contractor near the Dahomien borders.
Major Olabisi-Olakankita: From Titi-Ntorah we now can figure out the so called intellectual reach of the Awool-GOC…If his First Lady is so pedestrian then the King Kong has told another lie. Intellectual my arse.
General BoJi-BojiÂ Atamuna: Officers and men of the VGC, the Amicus Curiae is dismissed and ordered to go take a wash. The First Lady is advised to go to the GOC and stand by him.
Her scheme to hang on smacks of infidelity and puts to great dangers the life of the gravely sick GOC.
As for the incoming Half First Lady, remember that your legacy from BY was all gossamer. Do not allow your gold and diamond worship smear, smother the little movement that is at last moving the nation away from the cave society.