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Celebrating Adultery Ruins Lives…

By Bunmi Sofola

After 20 years of marriage, my husband deserted me for a younger woman and caused me deep hurt”, wrote in Davina from Lagos. “He’d given mea big lovely card on our 20 Wedding Anniversary saying how much he loved me and how he was looking forward to the next 20 years with me.  Yet, seven months after that, his torrid affair with a fresh graduate who didn’t want to be an `Outside’ wife was blown open.

I later discovered that my husband unfaithful even at the time he sent me the card.  With in months of his affair being blown into the open, he’d abandoned his matrimonial home to set up home with his new woman in one of his houses. I had to use the help of the Police to eject the tenants! As to be expected, I felt ejected and sometimes alone in spite of our five children.

“Because deep pain this desertion caused me, I have vowed that I will never put any woman through such pain if I eventually re-marry (though I don’t ling with five kids). If I am lucky to find a man, I would make sure unmarried before entering into any relationship with him.

“ASI write this, I still hurt terribly. But that doesn’t give me the right- should my way – to enter into his life without ensuring that he has no inch Catholic, I believe in the importance and sanctity of the and it grieves me that my husband, who is also a Catholic, caused me to break those vows against my will.

“I don’t like to   see people get hurt. A triangle of love and passion damages everyone – the betrayed wife, the cheating husband and the willing other woman. Any union built on the ruins of a marriage and at the cost of a spurned husband or wife is weakened by nagging guilt.

“A lonely or needy person may be desperate enough to jump into an affair with is married; yet who amongst us would choose such an suppose that it is satisfactory or preferable, to a relationship with also single?
“Woman are sometimes tempted into having an affair with a married man precisely because  he has proved his willingness to become a provider and a 1 having an affair with her, the man also clearly demonstrates his unfaithful and to deceive.

“A wedding ceremony invites us all – and not just the happy pair – to respect a couple’s sacred vows of fidelity. We find self-respect by acting with integrity and protecting the marriage of others.

When a loving woman hears the word: “The truth is, I’m married”, she needs to respond instantly and firmly by saying to the man: “In that case, get out of my life and leave me alone?’


Are you stuck on a love train to nowhere? According to psychotherapist, Jill Curtis, there are sings that shows you might be. If you tick three or more of the ones below, you’re advised to get your own train home. So, here goes – and be honest, no one’s looking!

1.   You see him Friday or Saturday night. Never  the whole weekend. Men in love, or even lust, don’t act like this – their hormones won’t allow it.
2.  You’ve never met his family, thought he often talks about them. This is just plain cruel. If he wants to keep you and his clan apart for now, fine. But why go on about them? Because he’s using this as a device to say: “This far, no further”. He’s telling you he is capable of intimacy, but he doesn’t want this with you.

3. You think his deep interest in your life-away-from-him is touching, it is not. He’s simply relieved you won’t be hanging around him all the time.

4.   it’s Thursday night and you still don’t know if you’re seeing him this weekend. He’s not planning a surprise, he’s keeping his options open.

5. You find yourself telling friends he’s busy or how great it is to have a man who likes his space. Oh, purlees! You’re making excuses. Lie to your friends. Lie to your boss. But never, lie to yourself. »6.  A friend asks if he’s married. No, you stammer. Of course he’s not married. He’s just er, always busy.

7.He doesn’t take you to a family wedding. He may not want to face that  the  question. But if you’ve been together more than three months – leave.

8. He’s non-committal as your birthday approaches. He might be planning a surprise bash but then again….

9.   He introduces you as his ‘friend’.

10. You don’t introduce him to your friends because you know they won’t approve. Why not? If he makes you happy, he’ll make them happy too. Face it, you’re not that sure of him.

11. He only phones at night. This can be fun for a while – like having an affair* without the guilt. But it is not normal.

12. He lives miles away, but doesn’t encourage you to visit often. Neither does he dissuade you. but he’writes the most wonderful letters and phones you up to whisper sexy sweet nothings – when you’re safely back home

13  He never takes you home after a date. Men worth seeing make sure you get home safely. It’s called consideration, walk away and keep walking.

14.  He still sees his ex-girlfriend. Even if he’s not sleeping with her, if he can’t let his past go, then he won’t make much of a future with you.

15. You hardly have sex now. Can anything hurt more than being’just good friends’ with someone whose clothes you once ripped off and want to rip off again? Do you really need another friendi?

16. He makes you laugh – all the time. Great. Jokes are fine, but they aren’t conversations. He’s using humour as a barrier to closeness.

17. He hasn’t said he likes you, let alone love you. If this is going anywhere. you’re entitled to at least one. “I missed you,’after a few days apart.

18. He hasn’t introduced you to his best friend. If he really cared about you, he’d be showing you off,

19. When he’s tired, he would rather relax alone than with you. If he says he needs his space, give him plenty of space – leave him.


Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.