Dear Bunmi,

Last year, I started a relationship with a divorced mother of two, who is over ten years older and a woman of substance, who has helped me a lot in my career. In return, as I don’t have money to lavish on her, I help see that her kids get taken to schools, help wash her cars and run other errands for her. She has a group of highly sophisticated friends, who look at me with disdain.

They believe I’m a gold digger and refer to me as “small boy” when they think I’m not listening. I might not have money to throw around, but I’ve paid my dues with her. On the odd occasion when her drivers left because of her sharp tongue, I’ve had to ferry her around town to her various meetings.

I’ve found a girl that I would love to get married to. I’m afraid to tell her in case she pulls out of the business we now run and into which I have invested heavily. My new girl knows of her, but is quite unaware of how deep we’ve gone. She wants a lavish wedding, but I’m afraid that if I agree, my lover could turn nasty.

Robert, by e-mail

Dear Robert,

It’s obvious you can’t get married to this older woman and the earlier you started planning ~life without her, the better for your future. Start by gradually disengaging yourself from the business by asking for some of your out-lay plus interest.

As you rightly said, you’ve paid your dues in this relationship and I believe the decent thing to do here is tell your “benefactor” your wish to get married after you’ve got some of your money back. Let her know it has nothing to do with her and the respect you have for her.

As for her friends, they are the least of your problems as if you do decide to get married, that would put paid to any relationship you would have with all of them. You did no wrong by falling for a much older woman and you should be free to call things off to enable you move on with your life.