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I don’t have orgasm during intercourse

Ask Aunty Julie,  Send questions to: juliecoker100@yahoo.com

My boyfriend and I have been sexually active for about three months. I enjoy making love to him very much, but intercourse doesn’t give me any pleasure. He can easily bring me to orgasm through oral sex, but I don’t feel any pleasure from regular sex. Sometimes, I can’t even tell if he’s inside of me or not. I feel so bad about it, and we’ve been trying to find some information that might help us, but there isn’t any. Why is this happening? It isn’t like I don’t know how to have an orgasm; I do but nothing works during intercourse. Can you help me?

From Joan, Lagos

Dear Joan,

Your ability to have an orgasm through oral sex may be able to teach you a big lesson. Perhaps your partner could incorporate oral sex into your intercourse routine. A woman’s sexual pleasure mostly comes from stimulation to the clitoris which is highly sensitive and full of nerve endings. In fact, there are as many nerve endings in the tip of the  clitoris as there are in a male organ!

So, ask your partner to touch, rub, caress, and/or press your clitoris with his fingers, whether before, during, or after sex. You can guide him by placing your fingers over his fingers or hand, and pressing the spots you like in the motion and frequency .

You can try using your own fingers during sex, too. Also, try a variety of sex positions where your clitoris might be further stimulated. For example, the woman-on-top position has more potential for clitoral stimulation than the missionary position. On top, you can have more control over the amount of stimulation, rhythm, and pacing. Get creative! Certain positions may feel more exciting to you than others, and this may differ each time you make love.

Remember, if you love making love with your partner, there is no need to be dismayed by your lack of vaginal sensation or pleasure during intercourse. Instead, if you wish, you can use sex play as an opportunity for you and your partner to experiment with and learn from your bodies.  Either way, it is important to let your partner know, either verbally or by demonstrating, what turns you on the most. Take the time to learn exactly what that is.

She’s afraid of lovemaking

Hello Aunty Julie,

I have been dating my babe for more than two years now. We’re both in our twenties and haven’t had sex yet, but during the last year and a half, we tried pretty much everything there is besides it. I really feel this is the right time, but when I try to talk to her about it, all she says is that she is afraid. She says it is not that she does not believe in losing virginity before marriage but she is just afraid. I don’t want to pressurise her, but I just feel that maybe I am not the right person for her or something. What should I do? Thanks.
Yinka Bob-Manuel

Dear Yinka,

‘Losing’ one’s virginity or choosing to have sexual intercourse for the first time can be a major decision. Addressing your partner’s concerns is especially important, both in terms of respecting your partner’s feelings and for strengthening your relationship.

Should you two ultimately decide to have sex, it is important that both you and your partner feel 100% comfortable with your decision.
You mentioned that your partner is afraid, do you know exactly what she is afraid of? Discussing the issues with your partner may give you a better sense of what she is afraid of when it comes to sex, and help you build your communication, trust, and respect for each other.

Does she worry about unwanted pregnancy? Above the pleasure, exploration, and fun, love-making comes with a whole lot of responsibility. It is important that you and your partner have a strategy for birth control, and have spoken about what you would do if she becomes pregnant. Fortunately, there are a multitude of methods to protect you and your partner from unplanned pregnancy.
Or, is she concerned about sexually transmitted infections,STIs?

Even if you and your partner are each other’s firsts, it can be reassuring to talk about STIs, including HIV. Having this conversation can be tricky, but it is a crucial component of being comfortable when having sex. Does she fear physical pain? It is important to speak with your partner about how you imagine your first time to be. For women who have never had vaginal intercourse, the first few times experiencing penetration can be uncomfortable or painful.

Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to minimize pain and maximize pleasure. Are you the right one for her, is she the right one for you? While this may be a difficult question to ask, it is extremely important to be honest with each other. Are you having fun in your relationship?

Are you able to communicate well with each other? Are you caring towards one another both emotionally and physically? These characteristics of a relationship signify compatibility and maturity, both important for a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.

After you bring up these questions to your partner, the two of you may need some time to think to yourselves. If something stands out or keeps coming up in the list, it might be an important topic of conversation to bring to the table.

Don’t forget to continue to enjoy spending quality time with your partner. Regardless of your sexual activity, being in a relationship is a unique journey filled with companionship, love, and just enjoying the little things together. Take the time to enjoy being with your partner, and continue to learn more about each other.

I get erection during massage

Dear Julie,

This has become an embarrassment to me. I am a young man who lives a happy but often stressful life. I visit a massage parlour during weekends to ease off but I’m worried about what happens when I’m virtually naked and being rubbed all over by another person especially female massage therapists. I get full erection during massage and there seems to be no way to hide it. How do I deal with this? I don’t know how the people feel but am I perverted? I feel strange when I’m lying on the table and standing at attention.

Desmond, Abuja Dear Desmond,

It’s understandable that you’re worried about having erection during a massage. Erections, no matter how common, can be unpredictable, and hence, a cause of worry. But rest assured, this topic is discussed by massage therapists in training because it is a normal aspect of anatomy and physiology.

During a massage, as the body relaxes, some people may fall asleep, drool, or pass gas, all of which are completely normal physical responses to tension relief. But, like erections, these normal occurrences are stigmatized socially as embarrassing. The irony is somewhat amusing when you think about it — the goal of massage is to relax, but as your body shows signs of relaxation, you become preoccupied with how those responses may be perceived. Many massage therapists and health care professionals try to normalize these bodily functions and responses to decrease clients’ feelings of anxiety or insecurity.

Many people have learned to associate erections with purely sexual arousal but, in fact, erections occur for a variety of reasons. They can occur during sleep, when someone is angry or scared, or when someone is deeply relaxed, like during a massage. Reflexive erections, a normal physiological response to touch, relaxation can go away within minutes. Massage therapists know this and will often simply ignore an erection during a session, as long as the client is behaving appropriately. Some masseuses and/or clients may choose to address the potential issue in advance. As the client, you can discuss the topic with the massage therapist before a session, if it helps soothe your concerns. You are certainly not alone in your worry. Erections are a normal part of your body’s response to relaxation and a professional massage therapist will likely be understanding.

 

 

 


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