By Debbie Olujobi

Our respective cups will never be full when it comes to finding meaning to our sometimes black and white existence. Sometimes coming into contact with a truth that challenges status quo can be a bit of a burden especially when your life is a journey of growth.

One of my daily prayer requests is for grace to be better and I find that the answer to that are several opportunities to be better. I enjoy audio books and I had listened to one titled “The four agreements”. The book propounds a set of principles for pain free living and I was intrigued. I believe my conscience volume may have also been turned up by many notches and I thought I’d share what I gleaned.

“The four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz is a masterpiece. It calls for an understanding and acceptance with the Four agreements propounded. It draws on ancient knowledge of the Toltec wisdom and while I don’t necessarily embrace all their beliefs, it still made interesting listening.

“The Four Agreements” are very basic and I found them easy to memorise but that was the only easy part of the implementation. I did understand them all but I underestimated how set I was in my ways and if anyone was scoring I would have failed many times per hour.

Ruiz talks about the domestication of humans to conform with expectations and regulations making it almost impossible for them to live in their own truth and liberty. What he doesn’t mention is the detachment one needs to exhibit in order to practise the agreements; it turns out, I am not detached enough.

The first agreement seemed easy enough ” Be impeccable with your word. I could have written that myself except for this part; impeccability means to be without any sin in my words; to use my words carefully and truthfully without harm or damage to others.

I like to think of myself as kind but speaking has become a weighty impediment especially when you have to balance a busy work life, family, friends and the world at large to navigate. My intentions are always grand and I pray before I leave but I find myself failing even before I leave the house.

It almost feels like vexations to the spirit are orchestrated just to aggravate me and provoke sinful words out of me. There is also the dilemma of balancing truth with kindness. Its a tight rope maintaining impeccability with truth. The truth is sometimes very hurtful so do we just stay mute? Its an even tighter and higher rope having to be patient with obviously dishonest and mean people.

The second agreement is even more tasking.” Don’t take anything personally”. Apparently nothing is about us. People do whatever they want because of them, we bear no responsibility and shoulder no blame, gain or pain for their actions. Sounds very simple but how does that help when they do things that break our hearts?

How do you not take personal hateful words and actions? On the flip side, how does one not take personal, declarations of love? I fully lay claim to the affection and love of my spouse and children; its very personal. When one is at the receiving end of unkindness and unfair actions, its hard to process the second agreement.

I fail this agreement regularly as my feelings are not compliant with its principle. Losing a loved one may not be personal but it hurts the same. Pain feels very personal and so does love. This particular Valentine’s day was probably the best one I ever had.

I thought my husband could never surpass my gift but I was floored by his act of validation. If I followed the second agreement; then it would mean the gesture that meant the world to me wasn’t about me and while that position may have its merit, I don’t accept it.

The third agreement is a bit more practicable and needs a lot more maturity to implement. Its simple ” Don’t make assumptions”. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions. This was so true of me when I was younger. I didn’t like confrontations so I never faced up to situations. I take full responsibility for most of my hurt and heartache back then.

I let my imagination supply me with information that were at best delusional and eventually painful. This particular agreement is one I actually started living before I even got the book. Life taught me to ask questions, to verify, investigate and confirm.

It actually validates my position to grab life by the horns and confront any issue that is unclear head on. Embracing truth no matter how painful can only be liberating and eventually peaceful. My advise to everyone is right from the author himself, “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.”

The final agreement is the one we all should aspire to. “Always do your best. ” Lately I have found that doing my best is all I have to offer. I can’t do more or be more. Living my authentic life is the best I have to offer. I used to be a person who would stoop to fit in and compromise to be accepted.

Those days are gone, now I no longer apologise for my choices and beliefs; they are my best. I end with a quote from the book. “God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say, “I love you, God,” is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say, “Thank you, God,” is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now.