By Debbie Olujobi
There are a few things that rattle me and cause me to freak out. They are those things that are outside of my control and over the years I have done a lot of work spiritually, emotionally and physically to overcome my fears.

I would not give myself a pass mark in everything but I would say I was getting better in my reactions and healing times. I am not a great fan of darkness but I am learning not to run for the light anytime I find myself in it; my initial panic is calmed by logic and while I won’t lie and claim to enjoy it; I don’t scream or fidget like I used to.

I also have a fear of confinement especially in cramped spaces; I don’t like my hands being held together by anything and I particularly feel stifled by long drawn out hugs especially by strangers. I must also admit to being fazed by malice and gossip and I am always stunned by the ferocity of hate and negativity whenever I am its recipient.

Bottom line is that I like a controlled environment where I can have a reasonable expectation of what is n
ext; I am quite successful at maintaining that control till God feels like a laugh and then my composure dissipates rapidly.

Living life in the best possible way can only be possible where one is allowed to thrive in an environment that provides all the necessary ingredients for one to blossom. I watched a psychological thriller a while ago and it was very scary and life like.

The psychiatrist woke up from a nightmare to find herself locked up in a padded cell wearing a strait jacket. For those who don’t know, a strait jacket is a contraption that restrains both arms and literarily keeps the person trapped in it immobile and unable to harm themselves or anyone else.

It prevents the person from doing anything apart from just listen; one can’t move, eat or function. It leaves a person at the mercy of others and I can’t imagine a worse fate; it’s the place where you lose all control.

Having  to justify allowances and pocket money when I was younger fuelled my independent streak; I hated living at the mercy of my parent’s moods and I started working from my school days to provide for myself all I needed. I could control my finances and work towards the goals I had; it was empowering to me that my sweat was directly under my influence.

Even now my strict work ethic is informed by my need to not depend on anyone. So it was an eye opener lately to see that my life may not be fully under my control as I used to think. I had been under a most interesting ministration where bitterness was the topic of choice. It was likened to cancer and described as an all invading and even life changing disease. Bitterness is a by-product of offense and it’s an emotion that festers till it affects the very essence of life.

It got me thinking of how we can inadvertently live life in emotional strait jackets without even realising it. Many of my reactions are modulated by the hurts and heartbreaks I have experienced and it was a painful but honest admission I had to make that I was bitter.

It got me thinking about age old hurts and resentments that have been pushed down deep in my mind someplace and later in the week I brought up the topic with a friend. We both traced the origins of bitterness to the times in our lives when we have been helpless and at the mercy of others who weren’t merciful.

Almost like being strapped into a strait jacket and being slapped again and again. The irony is that being bitter means we keep the strait jacket on even when we are no longer helpless. I hear people talk angrily about the abuse they suffered as a child at the hands of a nanny or even relative with such bitterness that you wonder whether they realise that they are no longer the children that can be abused. Same as I sometimes have to remind myself not to be mean in return to people who have been mean to me.

A strait jacket for me is the best illustration for bitterness. It has many straps and it takes some doing to put on. No one can independently wear it and no one, save a magician can independently get out of it. There are many layers and straps and it takes two orderlies to get it on any one that needs to be restrained.

Bitterness is a reaction to offense so just like a strait jacket it involves others. People will hurt us, some maliciously, others inadvertently but the result is the damage and heart break that breeds bitterness. I don’t know how not to be hurt by offense and malice but maybe letting it go and forgetting it will mean I don’t let people force me into a strait jacket.

Once bitterness sets in it becomes difficult to shrug it off. Just like a strait jacket, it will require outside help to get off. There is nothing like finding a good listening ear to pour out ones heart to; that is half the straps cut open; the rest of the jacket will fall off when we forgive ourselves and others. A strait jacket is not fashionable apparel for life; it separates and suffocates and the sooner it’s off the better..