By Debbie Olujobi

Shrinking describes the action or reaction of diminishing in size in response to a stimulus. A shrinking violet is a term that describes a person who recoils or withdraws from people or situations as a direct response to an action or a series of actions over time just like the flower from which the term originated.

I have had time to ponder this week and try to determine whether I could be described as a shrinking violet. In many ways I could appear larger than life; I am naturally exuberant with a zest for life but I am in more ways rather reclusive as I maintain a rather tight control on my personal space.

It seems that I am now at a stage where there is a lot more personal than public space and it is a sore topic for those nearest and dearest. It is the lot of those who share my space to loose a lot of their public space and its got me thinking and even wondering when and where my world started to shrink.

Alcohol or any mind altering substance has never held much appeal so I cant exactly say I cut out socialising to avoid drinking; I never drank. I loved going out and hanging out with my friends and I was mostly the designated driver as I was never inebriated. I remember how much we all loved to dance and there is a good defence in blaming those days for choosing not to socialise now; been there, done that, got the tee shirt!!.

If I traced the begining of my withdrawal from frivolities or socialising it would be the death of a close friend in my final year in the university. I had been in London for the summer and I had gone to visit him in Hospital; he had cancer; not malaria not thyphoid but cancer.

We all ate the same thing, lived in the same environment so how on earth was one of us singled out for that? Innocence died the day the reality of our mortality dawned! When you are young; you think you are invincible; enjoying life till you see its ugly side.

That summer I spent a lot of time in quiet contemplation mourning the loss of innocence and accepting the innevitability of tragedy. It was a strange time as another friend who was barely twenty also suffered sudden paralysis and loss of vision. One minute we were young and carefree; the next we were grappling with tragedy in close quarters

Everyone says the university is an amphitheatre of reality and thats almost prophetic. Its almost as if life tests your endurance with some padded blows. If I thought that last summer was difficult; the next decade would be a series of knock out and unpadded blows that knocked confidence and security out of my being; turning me from shallow waters to river deep! I tend to withdraw into myself to heal from heart break and the Nineties had a lot of those in abundance.

It makes sense to withdraw to heal and recover before coming back out to face the world again. With every heartbreak I shrank little by little. By the time that decade ended I was a completely different person from the butterfly I was to the shrinking violet I have to admit I am.

The major difference is the motive and reason for living. The girl I used to be just wanted to have fun!! I wanted to be with my friends, laugh, eat out, dance and enjoy myself. The person I am now wants meaning; I need my life and my moments to count for something; I want to spend my time in meaningful conversations and company. I want to live my life as if every minute is the last and that cuts out a lot of frivolities.

I have found joy in solitude and peace in quiet meditation; making noise or the cacker of meaningless conversations almost abhorent. A good friend of mine said a while back that I was the perfect illustration of false advertising.

In His opinion my appearance suggests a glamourous and exotic creature while the reality of me is so black and white; you wonder where all the colour went. I am not arrogant enough to designate myself an island; I just need people in smaller doses than others do.

I know meaning can be found in places outside of solitude. If truth be told; I also got lazy over the years and have let many friendships slide. I do miss the ease of laughter that comes with the familiarity of friendships both old and new; I sometimes miss the fun.

In finding meaning I let go of the fun and for the sake of my nearest and so very dearest; I need to let the colour back in. I think there just may be enough space for the butterfly and the violet to exist. There is also meaning in light hearted fun, breaking bread in the company of others, easy laughter and raucous humour.