Aunty Julie,

I have been married for five years and have two boys. I am still the way I was before child-bearing. My shape and slim looks are still intact and many people who don’t know still see me as a hot spinster and I always tell the guys that I’m happily married and they should stay off. But an important issue is shaking the foundations of my marriage.

My husband has had little or no interest in sex for about a year. I have tried to find out why he suddenly lost interest in sex but he is not forthcoming. We have a good relationship apart from this problem but I cannot remain like this for long. I have done all kinds of things to seduce him. I’ve tried lingerie, backrubs, and romantic dinners, but nothing works. I don’t know what else to do. Please help me.

Blessing, Benin

Dear Blessing,

Every couple goes through periods when one or both partners are too busy or not in the mood. But the sustained lack of interest you mention signals that something is wrong. Some physical conditions can lower libido in men, as can some medications. If you think illness may be a factor, urge your husband to have a complete physical.

Stress can also diminish sexual desire, as can a deep-seated fear of intimacy. An affair can take a spouse’s attention away from his partner, too. However, the most common reason men and women avoid lovemaking is unexpressed anger at their partner. Could your husband be upset about something in your marriage?

Does he expect things from you that he doesn’t feel he’s getting? Any hostile or negative feelings he has must be recognized and dealt with before you can find pleasure in lovemaking again. Have a serious talk about the issue, but if you can’t communicate, I strongly suggest you see a therapist together.

Why did she break up with me

Dear Aunty Julie,

I don’t know what I did wrong. My girlfriend of one and a half years broke up with me out of the blues. We never fought or argued. I asked her why, she said “I don’t know.” I asked her what did I do wrong and she said “nothing.” She was my first ever girlfriend and I was planning to ask her to marry me. I don’t understand what I did wrong. There has to be a reason. Why won’t she tell me?

Ibrahim, Auchi

Dear Ibrahim,

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you are the one left wondering what went wrong. This must be a tough time for you, especially considering that you were planning on proposing. It can appear challenging to start over when you thought you had your life all squared away. But start over you must! Have faith and believe in yourself — it will become easier with time.

What really matters is that you realize you did nothing wrong and that you couldn’t have prevented the break up. In order to heal, it may help to have a sense of closure. Why it ended needs to be clear to you; otherwise, you may have doubts about the relationship and yourself for a long time. Do you feel comfortable letting your ex-girlfriend know that an explanation, or one reason, for breaking up with you will help you to go on with your life?

Even if it has nothing to do with you, you deserve to know at least part of the reason why. It is possible that she may not even know why she broke up with you. Have you considered the possibility that your ex-girlfriend may not be willing to speak to you? Perhaps she needs some personal space and time to reflect on her needs and desires.

While unpleasant to think about, it is always good to have a back-up plan in case she won’t give you an answer. Your family and friends may help you to reaffirm your self-confidence and move forward in life and new fulfilling relationships.

Although you need to grieve for this loss, make sure that it doesn’t consume you. You may want to participate in activities that you enjoy to keep your mind off of your lost love or perhaps introduce you to new and exciting people. Perhaps you can talk with friends and family about how you feel.

For many knowing that people in your life love, support, and care about you can be comforting. Know that you will be okay on your own, and that someday, you may meet that special someone who will feel the same way as you do about sharing your lives together.

I want to be alone

Aunty Julie,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We have been a very happy couple. We love the companionship and we get along really well. Everything was perfect until we both found jobs in the same area and decided to move in together. Our relationship was still strong, but I have been feeling like I need space. Space to be alone.

I told him how I felt. Without a doubt, he was hurt, but he packed his stuff and left. Now I feel like I made a mistake and I’m missing him so much. I just turned 26 and have been with this guy for a pretty long time now. He is my first love. I see myself marrying him in the future. Yet, I am still so young and need to explore to experience other things.

He is 100% sure that he wants to be with me, wants to marry me, and loves me so much. He has dated girls and has been in a serious relationship before. He got to see what is out there. So basically, we both see a future together, but I feel that we need some time to be alone for once. We are the type of couple to see each other everyday, but we both work full-time and have our own hobbies. Why did I feel so trapped?

Liberty, Benin City

Dear Liberty,

Moving in with a significant other can be a big step, even for couples who’ve been together for a while. In your case, the transition seemed to be a shock to your system! The decision to marry or spend the rest of your lives together can feel overwhelming, and moving in together may have felt like a big step toward committing yourself to that path. Maybe it’s time to have a heart-to-heart about how your desires for space and exploration affect the future of your relationship.

You seem to have some conflicting feelings about the relationship: it’s happy, and you both think it has potential, but you have a desire to experience being with other people. What do you want to experience before setting down? If you have doubts about what you want, you could take time apart to explore some options. Some people feel that they learn valuable things from being with different people.

Every relationship is different and may help you realize things about yourself, characteristics that you value in a partner, or dynamics between two people that you want in a relationship. There’s also a possibility that one of you might meet someone else and decide you don’t want to be together. Or, you might discover that you really do want to be together, and you can get rid of your doubts.

Maybe you want to be together but still live apart. Separate places nearby could let you slowly transition to living together. This way, you both can spend time at each others’ houses and still have a refuge when you need alone time. If you do go back to living together, you could purposefully schedule some alone time.

Having time to yourself at home and time apart from your partner to pursue your own interests and friendships may help both of you maintain a healthy relationship. It sounds like a strength of your relationship is that you’re able to express your needs and your boyfriend listens and respects them.

A good partner will also value the fact that you take the time and space you need to make sure that you make the best decisions for yourself. Giving yourself time and space to think about your priorities and what you want from the future can help you build a solid relationship with anyone you choose.

He doesn’t make the first move

Hello Julie,

Good morning Aunty Julie. I’m really impressed with some of the answers you gave to the questions posed to you. Perhaps you can help me. I need an objective third party opinion. I’m a female and 24 years old. I’m working for a professor, and I noticed a male student around 26 yrs old always looking at me. On several occasions, there have been intense eye contact between us and he has stared at me many times.

I wonder if I should have given him a smile or said ‘hello’ to him first? I didn’t feel comfortable initiating it and so, I didn’t. Is it generally true that if a guy could have enough nerve to stare at a woman like that over a period of several months, that he would have the guts to approach her? Otherwise, he didn’t hold a sincere interest for her in the first place? In which case I should forget even having any interest in him whatsoever? What do you think?

Doyin A. Ade, Ibadan

Dear Doyin,

Well, I try not to play mind reader, especially when it comes to opposite (or same sex) attraction. It’s possible, like you, he doesn’t feel comfortable taking the first step. Is he also working for the professor? Some folks become more reserved socially in work settings. Also, I believe a female has as much right and responsibility to initiate or engage in social feedback and even a little flirtation. Clearly, a smile or hello is just fine.

At the same time, I don’t want to overlook his behaviour. Maybe he isn’t sufficiently self-confident; perhaps he feels a bit intimidated. Maybe, you both are sensitive to rejection. And, yes, it’s possible staring may have some hostile implications. He might be angry with you because he doesn’t feel worthy of you.

But I think the moral here is act more assertively on your curiosity. In addition to that invitational smile, try a touch of coquettish humour, “Have our eyes been crossing paths for a while?” If he sheepishly acknowledges your question, you likely have a ball game. If he denies or gets defensive, he’s not worth more time or eyeball energy.