Dear Julie, 

Thank you for touching peoples lives through relationship counseling. I read your column and I love what you are doing. Please I have also my own issue and will appreciate if you look into it.

I have been living with this man for over a year and I’m really not sure if he’s the one for me. The problem is that: he wants to do, literally, everything I do, and everything together. He wants us to wake up together in the morning, shower together, leave for work together, spend all of our evenings together, and go to bed at the same time. I feel like he’s infringing on my individuality, and I feel like he’s clinging to me in an unhealthy way. I’ve given up my morning exercise routine because it bothered him that we didn’t spend mornings together. I’m a writer and I like to do some writing in the mornings. I really enjoy waking early and having some time to myself. Because I wake up early, he wants to wake up early too. When he does this, I feel like he’s a little puppy dog who just needs to follow me around all day and do everything I do. If I say I don’t WANT him to do that, he feels rejected and as if something is wrong because I don’t want him there all the time.

It’s not that I don’t want to do anything together. It’s very enjoyable and fun to share this time together. We have dinner together every night, which I also love. On the other hand, I also wonder if I’m making up this story about his lack of independence and perhaps I’m not allowing myself to “be” with a man. I wonder sometimes if he’s “good enough,” and then I feel guilty that I’m such a “snob.” My anger bubbles up around these issues all the time. What do I do?

Hilda, Abuja

Dear Hilda,
Maybe I can start by saying that you are the lucky one. A lot of woman complain about their men not paying them enough attention but your case is different. Many will envy your situation. But like you pointed out, people in relationships need time apart and need their own lives in order for the relationship to work. So I am wondering why you have been willing to give this part of yourself up, giving up your time alone, your exercise, your writing, instead of allowing your partner to deal with his feeling of rejection? After all, you know you are not rejecting him when you want some space and time – you are taking care of yourself. If this brings up feelings of rejection for him, you can gently help him deal with the feelings, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he does not feel rejected. I suggest you try taking care of yourself and then help him deal with his emotions as they come up, by listening and being understanding, but not giving up yourself again. I think this will change how you feel about him.