By Bunmi Sofola

There is a thin line between a romantic statement like: “I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part”, and the lunatic-fringe anthem” “I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I will kill you”. Cloud, a relationship expert says that people who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, trap them in immobilising fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments, this is not the kind of love you want.

According to him, the way you tell real love from spider love is simple; possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free from his or her own choices. How you use the word ‘make’ is also a tip-off. When you hear yourself saying: “He makes me feel X”, or “He makes me do Y”, you’re playing the victimised trussed-up fly.

Even more telling are sentence like; “I will hide what I really think because it would make him angry”. You’re not the victim but the crafty spider, withholding and using manipulation to control your mate’s feelings and actions. Either strategy means that someone is being held too close, wrapped in spider silk. Getting out of this sticky situation is simple.

Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices – including the choice to obey the spider man who may have you in his thrall. Then communicate your real feelings; needs end desire to your partner without trying to force the reaction you want. If your relationship can’t thrive in the clear light of honesty, it is better to get out of it than to sink further into.