By Francis Ewherido

In the 70s when we were very young one of my brothers used to recount how he overheard a man telling another that if spouses do not quarrel in their marriage, it means one is being cheated.  As time went on this statement became a recurring decimal…

but from the first day I heard it, it became a habit for me to look for the spouse that was cheated in marriage I came across including my parents.’It was not till the 90s when I was preparing to get married that I took a critical look at this statement and understood it better.

Disagreements and conflicts in a marriage are  inevitable because you are dealing with people whose lives are interwoven living together within a limited space, and can only avoid each other as much as they can avoid using the restroom. These are people with differing backgrounds and upbringing who came into the marriage with different expectations.

The conflicts can range from fundamental issues like childlessness, money matters, infidelity to minor issues like television channel to watch, dinner and failure to run water for bath. Honestly, we cannot even say with biblical finality what is fundamental and what is minor in a marriage because one person’s mountain is another’s molehill.

But no matter what the issues are they must be resolved. Long ago I was reading a novel on a mafia boss where he was saying that he does not leave any problem unsolved no matter how small, because an unsolved small problem today snowballs into a big problem tomorrow. I often tell people that a happy and successful marriage is not that where there are no conflicts but that where there are conflict resolution mechanisms. What are these mechanisms?

One, the issue at stake must be clearly defined and the couples should focus on it, not…. muddling things up by bringing other issues in the past. Two, there should genuine communication. Communication is one of the live wires of marriage. Once couples stop talking, the marriage starts dying. Communication is a full topic for another day, so we shall leave it this way till then.

Three, it is very important you seal your lips when tempers are high because it is at such moments you say hurtful words to your spouse. Even if you apologise thereafter, you cannot erase what you have said from your spouse’s memory.

Four, you do not have to be the guilty party to initiate reconciliation; you initiate reconciliation if you are the more mature and secure party. If you are in the wrong, please apologise and if you are the wronged party please forgive. Sometimes you will not get the apologies you think you deserve, but you have to find it somewhere in your heart to forgive. Always remember that the marriage is bigger than either of the spouses.

Five, in marriage some people say it is a 50/50 arrangement. I disagree because 50 per cent (which is not even guaranteed) is short of what you require for its success. Others say 100 per cent, but I also disagree because nobody can be 100 per cent responsible for the success of his/her marriage because no marriage can succeed without the cooperation of your spouse.

I will rather settle for Pareto’s 80/20 principle. Be 80 per cent responsible for the success of your marriage and leave only 20 per cent to your spouse. Throughout my formal education, 80 per cent was always marked excellent so 80 per cent is good enough input to put into your marriage. Hopefully, your spouse will oblige you with more than the expected 20 per cent which will make your marriage a runaway success. But even if he/she falls short, whatever percentage she/he contributes will still make your marriage excellent.

Six, always remember that you are not perfect, so do not expect perfection from your spouse in dealing with your spouse always. Seven, “a family that prays together stays together”, is a common cliche. Family prayer is a very powerful tool for conflict resolution.

Eight,every couple should have a customized conflict resolution mechanism(s).

What is(are) yours? I remember in the early days of our marriage, my wife made it a duty to ensure we always ate together. Anytime she brought food when we were quarrelling, I will feel like telling her I am not eating but could not for three reasons.

First, long ago when we (my siblings and I) were young, my father advised us not to reject our wives’ food because of a quarrel. Second, lam older and so I felt I should show more maturity. Third, I was more involved in church activities and so I needed to prove to my wife that these activities were no hollow rituals which did not go beyond the surface. Since I could not dip my hands in the same bowl with her and still keep malice, eating together became our customized conflict resolution mechanism.

If couples are unable to resolve their conflicts internally, they should seek external help rather than allow the marriage to disintegrate. In seeking external help couples must note the little but significant difference between interference and intervention. Interference means, “to meddle,” “to obstruct a process,” “be a hindrance.”

Intervention, on the other hand, means “mediation”, “to come in as an extraneous factor.” Couples must do all within their power to ward off interference in their marriage, from parents, other family members and friends. However, there comes a time in some marriages when tension is so high that the marriage is at a point of break up. Then the spouses need to be saved from themselves. In such situations, intervention helps.

There is no wedding reception I have been to where the couples have not been advised not to bring third parties into their homes but resolve differences within themselves. This is okay if they can resolve all their differences alone. If they cannot, they must seek help.

That is why churches have marriage counseling and advisory units. In some denominations like the Catholic Church, would-be couples are required to have a sponsor as a precondition before wedding. The sponsors (normally a husband and wife) should be people in a successful marriage and one of their tasks is to guide the young couple and help resolve conflicts the young couple is unable to resolve internally. Apart from the above you also have professional counselors. A note of warning though; before anybody intervenes in your marriage- if it becomes necessary- that person must not be an interested party.

If he/she is, he/she might only end up pouring petrol in an already burning fire. Anybody intervening must also be knowledgeable enough about the issues at stake, be neutral, objective, dispassionate and diplomatic. Nothing short of this is good enough.

Mediation is also not the time to apportion blame and make one spouse feel victorious before the other. It is better to take the guilty party aside and point out to him/her where he/she went wrong. That way he/she does not feel vanquished. If not the outcome of your mediation might be like the outcome of a North London, Milan or Madrid Derby (please ask a soccer buff if you do not get my drift).

No efforts should be spared in resolving marital conflicts. Always remember that marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured and like diamonds, marriage is forever.