Last weekend, I finally got to binge-watch The Polygamist on Netflix. The show is based on ‘The Polygamist’, a book by Zimbabwean author Sue Nyathi. Not surprisingly, Sue Nyathi said in one of her interviews, that she drew on her experience of observing polygamous households as she was growing up. I had read some reviews and seen interviews with the cast. It sounded like an interesting production, and it was making waves not only across the African continent, but globally as well. The show lived up to all the hype and much more. It was African story telling at its finest, with a brilliant cast. I found myself screaming, jumping up and down, laughing till I had tears in my eyes and yelling curses at ‘Jonasi’, the male lead character. For the hours it took me to watch it, I did not mind being on the roller coaster of emotions which pushes you through shock, anger, excitement, curiosity, bewilderment, sadness and despair. I will try not to go into the specifics of this enthralling, 22 Episode show, for the sake of those who have not seen it. I would however like to share some lessons I took away from watching:

1. We all know a Jonasi, Joyce, Matipa, Essie or Lindani

The Polygamist has become such a huge success because many Africans, across generations recognise these characters. They are our parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, neighbours or church leaders. They might even be us. Entitlement to women’s bodies, sacrifices and labours is made possible by cultural norms and practices that makes this a reality for many. Jonasis do not become sex-addicted narcissists overnight. They do so over time. Through society making allowances for them, providing access, making excuses, and when they happen to come into money, it all becomes easier. What we know about these characters in our lives is that it is almost impossible to have a conversation with them. Jonasi would never listen to his brother who advised caution. Joyce did not listen to her mother who tried to advise her to start making plans for her own financial security outside of Jonasi. Matipa refused to listen to her Aunt about the fire she was playing with. Essie made the choice to give up a chunk of her life and that of her children, just so she could be a part of Jonasi’s life from afar and be content with crumbs from his table. As for Lindani, her case was pretty straightforward, she wanted the soft life. The ‘small girlwith big God’ lifestyle.

2. There is nothing ‘inevitable’ about Polygamy

In pre-industrial, traditional communities, polygamy could have been said to be inevitable. The patriarchal order of our communities placed everything and everyone under the control of men. This way, men owned land, farms, cattle as well as women. The more they had of all these things, the more powerful they became. Labour was required on farmlands to ensure bountiful harvests. The more hands available the better. Long hours away on the farms, or in the forest hunting or at wars, meant there had to be people around to keep the households running. The tasks of cooking, fetching waterfrom long distances, caring for young children and the elderly, needed a lot of hands. There was also the problem of maternal and infant mortality. Mothers died giving birth and many children did not live past five. More women and children present in a household increased the odds of ensuring the continuation of the lineage and made division of labour much easier. In some communities, there were beliefs that women who had reached menopause could no longer have sex, so they were ‘retired’ by their husbands and younger women took their place. Over time, due to religion, education and modernization, these factors shifted. Yet, men clung to their ‘cultural right’ to have more than one wife. Now, we keep hearing, ‘Men are naturally polygamous’. No, they are not. They make choices to be polygamous. They are socialized to do so. It is just like saying the Pope is ‘naturally celibate’.He belongs to an institution that makes it mandatory for him, and he has been conditioned from an early age to walk this path. In ‘The Polygamist’, Jonasi does not make the brave choice to be a Polygamist, damning the consequences. He abuses, manipulates, deceives, and bullies his way around the women in his life. He does not make much of an attempt to stop himself either. He just pokes around till the label ‘Polygamist’ sticks.

3. Validation should come from the right places

Joyce had built her life and brand around what she believed her reality to be. A powerful social media influencer with millions of followers. The perfect wife and mother. Wealthy father. Respected professional. Lovely house. Role model. The envy of women across generations. A charmed life with a handsome, loving, rich husband. Even when she found out that her castle had been built on sand, she clung on for dear life. What will people say? How can I be seen as a failure? Have I done all this for nothing? Do I walk away, or make the best of a bad situation? Every woman who has been in Joyce’s shoes has asked the same questions. Things did not change for Joyce till she decided to seek validation from the one source that truly mattered – herself. 

4. HIV/AIDS never really went away

Those of my generation remember what it was like in the early years of the HIV/AIDS pandemic in the 1980s and 90s.Many African countries suffered the brunt of the disease due to our lack of infrastructure, financial support and cultural practices. Millions became infected and many died, leaving a generation of orphans behind. With intensified awareness and campaigns, support for persons living with HIV/AIDS and funding to improve prevention, treatment and care, there was a significant decrease in infections. However, all those investments are now at risk. We seem to have a generation who do not understand, care or want to know that there are risks to having certain lifestyles. The Polygamist did a great job of drawing attention to this issue. HIV/AIDS is still in our communities, more infections are being recorded, and with the withdrawal of programs such as PEPFAR, supported by the defunct USAID, there will continue to be significant gaps. This means we are on our own. We need to go back to talking to people about the dangers of going into the rain without umbrellas or plugging their chargers into any available charging point.

5. When you believe in a myth

Polygamous men will tell you that they never intended to marry more than one wife. They will smugly say, ‘one thing led to another’. The polygamist wants more than he is getting at home. Even if his wife has the right age, shape, accomplishments and temperament, he will always want something ‘more’ or ‘else’. The mistress believes that she is the answer to all the man’s ‘problems’. The wife is old and ugly. She is youngand pretty. The wife nags. She gives him peace. The wife is cold. She is warm. The wife is domineering. She is submissive. The wife does not know how to cook. She cooks and serves his food with her full cleavage on display, with the promise of a reward when he finishes every morsel. The wife does not enjoy sex. She offers all the positions of the Kama Sutra. These myths play on in the mind of the mistress till she comes to an interesting conclusion – I am special. He needs me. He cannot do without me.On the rare occasion that the mistress becomes a wife, she automatically creates a vacancy. The selfish, greedy, community prick makes all the women he is with feel special, until he gets what he wants and then he is on to the next something younger, prettier, sexier. Matipa in The Polygamist found this out at great cost to her physical and mental health. 

6. Generational trauma

The same way in which we are familiar with all the characters in The Polygamist, we are also well acquainted with the massive damage dysfunctional households cause. The only true victims in The Polygamist are the children. They are lied to, ignored, abandoned, and used as pawns. They grow up seeing and hearing their parents at their worst. They internalise self-doubt, develop low self-esteem, and end up seeking comfort in all the wrong places. This leads them to making choices that could affect them for the rest of their lives. What they have experienced or learnt might show up in their own relationships. This should be a key lesson for the Jonasis of this world. Just because you can, does not mean you should. It is not always all about you.

Watch the show when you can. It is pure entertainment from the gripping beginning to the shocking end. A big shout out to all those involved in making this awesome show. The Executive Producers were Gugu Zuma-Ncube, Thuli Zuma and Pepsi Pokane. I particularly congratulate our own Akin Omotoso who was the Showrunner and Director, and his colleagues Rolie Nikiwe and Nthabi Tau. Remember, nothing good comes from running around with hens. You might think you are having a great time, till they start laying eggs.