Dear Bunmi,

About three years ago, I used most of my savings to pay for my daughter’s marriage. She’s the only girl though we have two other male children. Shortly after she got married, I lost a lot of money through the crash of the stock market. I’m trying to find my feet financially, though it’s not been easy. My wife has a bit of an income and that helps.

You can then imagine how I felt when my daughter announced recently that the marriage was over. I couldn’t believe it. Neither could my wife.

Understandably, she should leave a marriage she’s unhappy in, but I’m really angry that I’m left almost destitute, thanks to a wedding that means nothing now. She doesn’t know how much I spent on the wedding and how much money I have lost, but sometimes I feel like telling her, so she’s aware. Thank goodness she has a son to show for the charade, but why let us spend that much money?     

Taiye,
By E-mail

Dear Taiye,
Maybe you shouldn’t have decided to spare no expense at your daughter’s wedding if it was going to cost you such despair, and so much finance. It was down to you and not your daughter’s fault. Her happiness had to come first her. She needs all the support she can get especially from her parents.

Carry on struggling with your finances whilst you give her all the support she needs.

 She’s probably going through hell and laying the guilt of an expensive wedding on her will make it worse. It was your choice to splash out! Money is important of course, but people should mean more.

 I promised my children not to re-marry

Dear Bunmi,

I am a 60-year-old widower of six years with four wonderful children, the last of which is 26. I  have tried hard to be a good father before and after their mum’s death and they are quite appreciative of my efforts. I hasten to add that we ‘bond’ so well, even though they all, except one, live abroad.

I had not given any thought to remarrying until lately and that’s the genesis of the problem I’m now encountering. Though my children are in favour of me getting married again, they are fiercely against any woman of child bearing age, or to put it more succinctly, against me having more children. My other siblings take the same stand, saying at my age, I shouldn’t be thinking of pampers and the like.

I met and dated a young woman about a year ago and we had discussed marriage at one point, even though I haven’t met her family. I had hoped my children would go along but I was wrong. I have asked my girlfriend to let’s terminate the relationship as nicely as I possibly can but she will hear nothing of such. I do understand that, at her age (she is 38) she is rather in a hurry to settle down, but I’m not and won’t sacrifice the very cordial relationship I have with my children nor risk enmity between her and them. Should we get married without their support, even if subtle?
Ife,
By E-mail

Dear lfe,
It looks to me you’re more interested in pleasing people close to you with no thought to your happiness. Your children don’t want you to have more children at age 60 – and you seem to agree with them. Your siblings too don’t want you to be an older dad. But what exactly do you want? In spite of the fact that you tend to agree to no more children, you started a relationship with a 38-year-old woman whom you’d agreed to have a permanent relationship with but as soon as your children disapproved, you wanted out.

Your children except one, are out of the country living their own lives. You’re more or less on your own and believe me at 60, there’s a lot of mileage in you yet – and you need a companion. You alone can decide if you could cope with one or two more children as long as you can afford to bring them up on your own. Whatever you decide to do, you need to make whoever you end up with realize how much commitment you are willing to make. After both of you have agreed as to what you want, then go ahead with your plan. Let your children know you’d done your duty by them, you love and respect them but you wish to go on with your life.

If the fear of raising half siblings after you’ve gone is their problem, then you need to address this fear before you plunge them into paying for your ‘pleasure’. Seriously though, you sound like a caring responsible man and a lot of widowers have found lasting love the second time around.
He wants me to choose between him and my mum

Dear Bunmi,
My mother fell and  broke her leg and has to stay indoor until she gets better and I currently look after her. She is in her late 70s and I am 32. I have a boyfriend who says I must spend less time with my sick mum. I am an only child and my boyfriend accepted my commitment to my mum at first but now, he’s saying enough is enough and I must spend more time with him.

He spends time with his children from a previous relationship and goes out with his friends as often as he wants to. I love him but my love for my mum is infinite. I have a good job and live in a flat with my son. I know I should tell him to get lost but he seems to have a hold on me.
Kaddish
By E-mail

Dear Kadijat,
You don’t need pressure from your boyfriend right now. If you cut down the support you give your mother, you will end up feeling bad. If it’s because of his ultimatum, the relationship would suffer even more. Agree on one evening a week when you’ll be together and let him know this won’t go on for ever.

Remind him you accept it when he needs to put his family first and that he has his own social life just like you have yours. lf he won’t compromise, he isn’t right for you.