Dear Bunmi,

WHEN I got pregnant early last year, my boyfriend promised to stand by me and we even talked of marriage. Shortly after I had our son, however, he left me for another woman and they now live together. I am very upset, angry and lonely. My ex wants to keep in touch with our son and visits him at my place as he’s not a year old yet.

I’ve asked him to arrange a day or two each week when he’ll see him but he says he’ll phone when he wants to visit because he doesn’t know when he’ll be free. I understand his position but it seems he wants to eat his cake and have it. He has got a way of hurting me and that upsets me. I feel I’d be unable to move on if I was always expecting him to call.

He’s told me to get on with my life but it’s not that easy. It looks to me as if he’s in control but do you think I feel this way because he’s hurt me? I feel he needs to know the damage he’s caused me as it looks as if he doesn’t care. I still love him and wanted things to work out between us – and deep in my heart I still do. I feel that by allowing him to see our son or phone whenever it suits him, I’m giving the impression that I don’t have a problem with what he’s done to me and that it’s all right that he’s with someone else.
Please help me to make sense of the deep hurt I feel. I need to move on.

Joke,
By E-mail

Dear Joke,
Your anguish is raw and real and I’m sorry you’ve been hurt this way. You need to have time away from the ex that hurt you in order to numb the pain of parting and help you plan your life without him. However, because you need to protect your son’s relationship with his dad, you will be unable to totally exclude him from your life.

Tell him he needs to stay away for a while so you could get your thoughts together and get to terms with his moving on to another woman. When eventually you meet another man – and you will, believe me, you’ll feel relieved that this unsatisfactory relationship came to an end.

Meanwhile, accept the reality that you and him will not get back together. Sometimes, when the phone rings and it’s him, deal with those calls impersonally. Agree with him on whether or not it’s convenient for him to see his child and at what time. When your son grows older they can both meet away from your home.

Although he may hide it, your ex is uneasy about what he’s done to you. After all, he’s betrayed the mother of his son. Believe me, he didn’t want to bring you this pain. As best you can, make this period of transition easy on you both.

How could I have misjudged my ex

Dear Bunmi,
Some months back, I found out that my husband had been having an affair for several months while he’d been working away in one of his firm’s branch offices.

Before then, he’s had a string of girlfriends some of who I know. When I discovered his recent affair, I was so hurt that I really tore into him. You can then imagine how shocked I was when he suddenly became physically violent towards me, telling me he was fed up with my naggings and was moving out. Weeks later, I came back from the office to find his things gone and the rent in arrears of two years!
I contacted his ‘out of town woman’ after she left and she confessed to his cheating on her too! I am still raw from all this deception and wary of a new relationship. Can I ever move on from this nightmare? I have only one daughter to consider.

Mowo,
By E-mail

Dear Mowo,
Before you move on, there are two things you’ll need to get over. Firstly, believing that you somehow failed in your marriage. You did not. You cannot be held responsible for your husband’s irresponsible behaviour. In time, you’ll look back and see things you could have done differently. But right now hang on to the fact that you did your best to make your marriage work. No one can expect more.

Secondly, because you believed in your husband and he let you down, you may feel you can never trust anyone again. Yet, at the start of your relationship, he probably was trustworthy. His downhill slide was slow and unnoticeable, so you were taken by surprise. That doesn’t mean you’ll get conned again.

Your daughter, the only offspring of the marriage, is now your temporary focus. In time you’ll recover from this nightmare and will be ready to move on.

I don’t want my husband back

Dear Bunmi,
After over 20 years of marriage, my husband finally left me and our five children to live with a widow. We are quite comfortable and live in our own house, and my children, all in their teens, were shocked and embarrassed by his decision to move.

It seemed the widow wanted a proper live-in husband, so my husband did a native wedding with her. That was some three years ago. Now his merry widow is fed up with him as she’s often seen at parties, having the time for her life without him.

My husband recently confided in our eldest daughter that he would be happy to come back as he was being made to look like an errand-boy in this widow’s home. Without waiting for an answer, he’s moved back in and I feel really resentful. He says the house belongs to him, that we’re not divorced yet and I could leave if I wasn’t pleased with him being back. The children are happy that he’s back but I was getting used to my freedom before he came back. How should I tackle this problem?
Franka,
By E-mail

Dear Franka,
Except you have some where to move to, I’m afraid you’ll have to put up with your husband. He’s burnt his fingers and he’s come running home like the prodigal son. It’s his house, so he’s welcome to stay. But until he’s earned your trust, you don’t have to dance around him to make his stay comfortable.

In the meantime, encourage him to talk, frankly about his feelings for his widow and the excitement he once found with her. How does he now feel about you?

You and your husband will not quickly re-establish the love and trust you once shared but you can patiently rebuild your marriage once you find it in your heart to forgive and hopefully forget.