By Bunmi Sofola

Any festive period is always one of the good days when the average caterer’s number comes up on the lottery. A prospective customer is given so many assurances of flawless and impressive catering that they quickly shell out the astronomical charges with the hope they’ll get good value for money. Unfortunately they seldom do.

At a recent lavish wedding where catering alone ran into a couple of millions, the celebrants were mildly shocked when guests started complaining of the standard of service. “We have food at home, so don’t come and push rubbish under our nose here”) ran some of the complaints. And the catering staff were very strict about who they serve treating frustrated guests like gluttons bent on gorging on free food. Towards the end of the reception, cooler loads of food were about to be carted to the caterer’s waiting van when policemen on guard put a stop to the nonsense. The poor men had begged for food and got none. No full coolers would be loaded back into the van without the knowledge of the celebrants, they insisted. One of the celebrants was finally asked to intervene and her jaw virtually hit the floor when she saw the items that were being taken back.  After tongue lashing the caterers for shoddy services and starving the guests unnecessarily she ordered the remaining food to be taken to her place. She would return the food warmers when she was done.

“The leftovers were enough to cater for another wedding reception”, she fumed. “I had to give the items out to neighbours and their night guards after stuffing my freezers to the brim. The waiters the caterers brought with them looked like a bunch of hustlers.

It was obvious they were ‘rented’ for the occasion. They were more interested in watching proceedings than serving. A few of those who served were on the lookout for what they could steal and that included bottles of champaigne and hard liquor.  After planning an event for months and saving towards it, it’s sad that those you entrusted to its success later turned out to be saboteurs:.

To catch a thief, you must think like one. Funke, a childhood friend whose daughter recently got married was determined to cut off the various wedding ‘planners’ that are supposed to be a must for any big wedding to succeed. She  first started with the so-called ‘Alaga Ijoko’ the traditional MC responsible for the engagement ceremonies.  “After giving her the gratis head-tie for the day,”she said, “I asked her how much it would take her to speed through all their ‘fine-bara’ tactics. She said that usually, guests part with an average of N20,OOO to N28,OOO depending on how ‘heavy’ the guests were. I gave her N28,OOO and warned her that she had just under an hour to complete the whole process. It didn’t even take her up to that.

“Next I arranged for some tested freelance cooks, each set responsible for different variety of food. I then arranged for four professional supervisors to watch the cooks like a hawk – including waiters and what have you.  I assured them they would have their fill of entertainment later.  At the end of the day, we didn’t spend up to what the caterers I first approached quoted – and there were loads of left overs.”

With PHCN up to their tricks all of the time, you can’t vouch for the freshness of the meals some of these  caterers serve at their next parties. Meals they managed to salvage from previous customers which they usually keep in their deep freezers till another sucker turns up, are reheated and passed off as fresh. Apart from its funny taste guests go back home suffering from runny stomach or even food poison! Unfortunately, most of these ‘events centres’ that are the norm now  that street parties are banned, don’t have running water. Left over foods are deftly re-arranged on used plates cleaned with tissue paper (of the toilet roll variety!) Used glasses are dipped in murky waters used for the plates.

Yet use these caterers’ services we must where extensive catering is required. Only, one has to be extra vigilant and a lot of users have resorted to farming out caterings to two or more outfits. Another trick is not to stick with the same caterers all of the time – that way, one might just get value for money!

HEY, GO EASY ON THAT EXERCISE!
All this interest in exercising all the time to be healthy on top of the world is very well, just as long as you eager-beavers don’t overdo it! According to a heart specialist, commonsense jogging, and exercise, are completely safe and beneficial to any reasonably healthy person. He however advises joggers and other potential exercisers to follow these ‘vital rules to make their work-outs fun and healthy:

If you feel pain, stop. This is the main danger of vigorous exercise- you try to fight on after your body starts sending you the warning pain signals. Ignore these signals at your peril. Having a regular medical check-up is a must, especially if you start exercising at an older age. If you are healthy and younger than 35, it is generally safe to start exercising without a check-up. After that age, have a check-up every year even if the exercise doesn’t cause you problems.

Thirty minutes exercise as well as checking weight and blood pressure are important. The good news is that exercise helps dissolve the cholesterol clogging up your arteries. It can also help you keep your weight and blood pressure under control. Jogging is not the only way to exercise. Swimming and cycling are both very good, and are less harmful to leg joints, muscles and ligaments than jogging.

Be careful of hot road and weather conditions when you’re out exercising.
Running on the edge of the roads can hurt your feet and ankles and exercising on exteremely hot days can put extra strain on your ankles.

Exercising three or four times a week is enough to keep you in shape. The object of exercise is to get your pulse up to between 75 and 85 per cent of its capacity. A doctor can tell you what this rate is for you after an examination. Build up your exercise rate slowly. If you’re going to jog, start by walking briskly and gradually, introduce short spells of running. Don’t push your body beyond what is comfortable. Don’t be in too big a hurry to get fit.

Exercise alone isn’t the key to good health. It is also important to reduce cholesterol strain on your body. Exercise cannot cure or prevent heart disease, heart problems can be treated only by a doctor. But a healthy body can stop heart problems from developing. Exercising should keep you in tune with your body and common sense should. tell you when to seek medical help.

Morning After The Night Before? (Humour)
‘One dark morning black as night, I was woken up so full of fright. As right beside me I could hear a noise which drenched my soul with fear. With trembling hands I switched on the light.
And my buttocks clenched extremely tight.

I turned and screamed for what I saw.     Was the one I’d shagged the night before!
All Night Long? (Humour)

Two ladies are walking down the road when a tall handsome stranger strides by. ‘Td loved to be casseroled by him”, one of the women giggles. “Don’t you mean caressed by him?” her friend asks, “No, definitely casseroled”, the first one insists.

They’re passing by a library. So they decide to check the dictionary definition. It reads: Casserole: A cooking term denoting the ingredients are done slowly for several hours. “See,” the first lady smirks. “I told you I meant casseroled!”