By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve just been abandoned by my husband of 22 years. He got a better job early last year but in another city. As a result, he rented a one-room apartment and I stayed in the family house with our two daughters. At first, he came home every last weekend of the month until he didn’t bother to visit at all.

It was then I discovered he’d taken most of his good clothes. I was so shocked that I managed to talk to his boss at work. He’d lied that he lost his mobile and wasn’t keen on getting another one. It was his boss who gave me the number of his new mobile.

Suspecting he was up to no good, I called him from a business center and he was annoyed I was given his number. He said he didn’t get in touch because he was fed up with our constant quarrels. When I asked him when he was to be expected, he said I should forget the marriage. One of our girls is doing her youth service and the other one is training as a nurse.

I later found out he was staying with a woman who was expecting his baby. I’m really bewildered by all this.

He’s nearing 50 and I am 46. I honestly don’t know what’s come over him. He used to be a caring father and I thought we’d settled into a comfortable marriage. He’s certainly changed and I haven’t set eyes on him since the day he callously ended our marriage on the phone. He doesn’t want me phoning or texting him and he said we’re welcome to the family house.

I don’t know where I went wrong. I did everything for him and it’s obvious this new woman must have done more. I’m still in love with him and it is now doubtful that he ever loved me. I gave him 22 years of my life, and I feel I’ve been slapped in the face. Do you think he’s having a midlife crisis, or has he gone off the rail? His father treated his mother the same way, so maybe it runs in the family.
Dayo
By E-mail

Dear Dayo,
Your husband might be recreating the shocking feeling of abandonment he sensed when his father left his mum, but this time, with you on the receiving end. It’s often believed that we feel an impulse to give to others and even to those we love, the anguish that we once knew ourselves. Because he felt punished then, your husband feels an urge to punish you now. Instead of searching for clues to your man’s behaviour, you need to confront the reason for the breakdown in your marriage, no matter how scary those truths may be.

You need to put an end to this nonsense of your husband refusing to discuss your marriage. Show him how distressed and angry you are and how he’d made your children feel abandoned. Thank goodness your children are adults. So you get the house, that’s payment for his conscience.

Now he’s found another woman, it’s unlikely you are able to renew your commitment to this marriage – it has already died. But its death needs to leave you a bit of dignity. Life after marriage is never bleak, it’s all up to your determination to move on with your life.

Why does he lie all the time?

Dear Bunmi,
My so-called ‘fiancé’ of two years is always lying. He lies about where he is, what he’s doing and who he’s with. He ignores texts and calls from me and turns off his phone. Some weeks, I don’t even see him. Whenever we spend weekends together, he seldom comes home until the next day. He’d tell me he had too much to drink and fell asleep at a friend’s place, or that he was watching sporting programmes with friends. We seldom go out anywhere. All we do is argue.

A few weeks ago, he lied that his sister needed an urgent operation and borrowed money from me. I’ve since found out there was nothing wrong with his sister. I want to get my money back before I reveal his latest scam.

He says he loves me, but since he’s lied about everything else, how could I believe him? I used to be in love with him but now, I don’t know if I should take this relationship any further.

I’ve tried to talk to him, to ask him if we should call off the relationship but he said nothing. How do I sort my life out?
Dora
By E-mail

Dear Dora,
I’m sure it is your dread of loneliness and belief that you must be somehow insufficiently attractive that’s persuading you to tolerate your man’s selfish and deceitful behaviour.

The longer you accept his abuse of your relationship, the more humiliated you’ll feel and the lower your selfesteem will fall.

You need to hurry this fraud of a man out of your life instead of finding reasons to stay. It’s obvious you’re both using the other as a means of getting by. This is an unhealthy and damaging relationship that doesn’t allow either of you to have any pride. You need to end this relationship now.

Discover your ability to find friendship and love with people you like and respect. You’d be lonely at first before things get better, but no matter how very needy, sad and alone you may sometimes feel, never again accept a sham.

My wife was caught red-handed!

Dear Bunmi,
I remarried over five years ago after my first wife died, leaving me with three children under 10. My second wife is a business woman and is the mother my children need.

You can therefore appreciate how bewildered I felt when the phone in my office rang and there was this shrill hysterical voice at the other end asking me to warn my wife and keep her in check as she’s just discovered my wife bolting out of her matrimonial home – that her husband has confessed to sleeping with her.

She got my phone number from the wallet my wife left behind in her flight! I raced to her shop and met her crying. She confessed the man was an ex-boyfriend who’d been pestering her for a date. She didn’t want to go with him to a seedy motel that was why she went to his house after being assured the wife was away.

I was glad she didn’t insult my intelligence by lying but I don’t know how to handle this nightmare. She swore it was the first time. I know she loves me. Why does she want to throwaway all we have because of a one-night-stand?
Stephen
By E-mail

Dear Stephen,
People do stupid things all of the time and only your wife can explain what she did. A good wife and mother would not ordinarily do what she did, but some ex-lovers can be so persuasive that their ‘victims’ just cave in to their demands. Believe your wife when she said it was a one-off and learn to put the experience behind you. There are five children to consider here and your wife’s parental skills are still needed by all.

It is a painful hurt that would take ages to get over, but your family and home come first. The shame of discovery is bound to prevent her from straying again.

Is he using me for sex?

Dear Bunmi,
I‘m really pissed off with my boyfriend. He turns up at my place, makes love to me, then vanishes for weeks on end. Sometimes, it is months before I hear from him again. He is a darn good lover but I don’t think he’s worth the pain I put myself through day after day.

Do you think he can be sorted out? If so, how?
Ijeoma
By E-mail

Dear Ijeoma
You know deep down you can’t really call this guy your boyfriend. This is a man who turns up and demands sex from you when he wants. So what you need to do is quite simple. Next time he rings, don’t answer his call. Next time he visits, shut the door firmly in his face. Don’t even waste your breath telling him where to go, just find a new man!

Dad’s shameless behaviour

Dear Bunmi,
Early last year, a young couple moved into the house next door and the wife became a regular visitor as mum treated her like a younger sister. With time, her husband became more familiar and he told us he was pleased we were close by as he worked away at an oil rig often. She had an infant when she moved into our street and whenever she is afraid of being alone in her house my mum always invites her to stay in  the guest room when the husband is away.

She is now pregnant with her second child. We’ve had a series of break-ins in our neighborhood and when next her husband was away, my mum insisted she stay in the guest room.

It was quite a shock to me when I went to the toilet on one of her overnight stays and saw dad sneaking out of her room! He didn’t see me as he was in such a hurry to go back to mum. I felt really disgusted. I gave him the benefit of the doubt but I’ve caught him a couple of times after that.

Humping another man’s wife is bad enough, but doing it when she’s pregnant and in your matrimonial home is almost sacrilegious. I have a good mind of telling my mum but I don’t want to hurt her. Should I confront dad?
Julius
By E-mail

Dear Julius
It is sad when adults behave in a way that could jeopardise the cozy family lives they’ve spent years building. Your dad might think the chances of his being caught would be considerably narrowed if his infidelity occurred under his own roof and with his wife in the house!

He obviously didn’t reckon with your happening on his secret and what you want to do is talk to him man to man. Like you rightly pointed out, your mum is the innocent party here and should be spared unnecessary grief.

Threaten to tell your mum if your father refused to stop. I’m sure he wouldn’t allow things to go that far!