By David Hundeyin

Last week, I introduced readers to the Lekki Cannibals Congress, LCC, my new political platform that seeks to revolutionise the relationship between Nigeria’s poor and un-poor by defining it in its proper predatory context as God surely intended.

Expectedly, the reactions that followed that article generally expressed horror at the idea of widespread cannibalism as a means of achieving social and economic balance.

As I was at pains to point out however, LCC is not in the business of winning popularity contests. This party exists to put forward real solutions for stubborn problems that other parties ignore or pay lip service to.

Since that article was published, further evidence has emerged indicating that the current policy direction of governments in Nigeria is in line with the LCC’s founding vision.

Whether it is state governments using executive power to distort markets on behalf of their cronies or a president admonishing the victims of Boko Haram along the lines of “Security Begins With You”, it is clear that Nigerian governments believe very much in the manifest destiny of the un-poor to eat the poor – they just won’t say it openly.

With our four-point agenda which I will set out in this article, the LCC hopes to finally convince the fence-sitting members of the African un-poor to join our mission to eat our way to a better tomorrow by saying the quiet part aloud.

Point 1 – Politicians Uber Alles: In societies that are defined by cooperation instead of social Darwinism

The popular idea is that when push comes to shove, governments – particularly elected ones – are expected to take the side of the people they governor ultimately step down if that is too big a sacrifice to make.

While LCC admires such societies and the no doubt extraordinary people therein, we believe that in Africa and especially in Nigeria, the rules of civic life are fundamentally different.

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Here, there is a hierarchy of human life and it is the most important unwritten law for a government to hold on to.

This hierarchy has politicians at the top, followed closely by their friends and cronies in the government, tenderpreneurship and cronyism space; then the working professionals who consider themselves to be ‘middle class’ with their assortment of Belgium-used Toyota Rav4s and Honda Accords; and then finally at the bottom – the rural and urban poor and their bedazzling array of visually incredible poverty.

We believe that under no circumstances must this social order be tampered with in any way. This is because as I am sure the more discerning readers have figured out by now, we believe in neither capitalism nor communist socialism.

We are feudalists in the classic sense of the word. In our manifesto, we layout very clearly and openly our vision for a harmonious Africa led by our example at the helm of the Eternal Sovereign State of Lekkitopia.

In this ideal society, the most evolved human being and the greatest contributor to society is the politician.

He or she as the pinnacle of human endeavour, is entitled to the fresh-cut flesh of their inferiors. Their immediate inferiors in the crony space can defer this burden and avoid being eaten by passing it down to the middle and poor classes.

So, for example, when the politicians and their cronies decide that they do not have enough money and they need some more, they are absolutely entitled to grind Africa’s largest city to a prolonged halt by banning and restricting half of the city’s creaking public transport infrastructure.

When the ban drags along and the various ride-hailing services are taken out of business, the two un-poor classes then collaborate to bring out their own identical ride-hailing service to service a captive market of 21 million people.

This is the genius and fearsome business acumen that can only be achieved by conquering the most difficult human profession of all – politics.

I mean people might die in the process of enforcing such a farcical ban in such a deliberately ham-fisted and unintelligent way, but remember, it is poor people who die.

Every time a poor African nobody dies, a rich African politician and their cronies get to feast on the dainty treat of prime Poverty-Broasted African Human.

The Toyota-Camry-driving-and-two-salaries-away-from-destitute ‘middle classes’ meanwhile, will cheerfully offer their services as the facilitators and cheerleaders of this age-old African ritual. All as God surely intended of course.

Point 2 – Have Zero Institutional Knowledge Bank

The second point of the LCC’s four-point agenda is to ensure that our model African government has the institutional memory of a domestic goldfish.

Every sign of experience, knowledge, capacity and goodwill that exists within the system from the previous administration must be immediately flushed out. Whether they represent a political risk or not is beside the point – the point is that the ideal African government, according to our flesh-eating ethos, is one that has no ability to connect governance from one term or era into another.

If the previous administration was working on projects – even projects that will service the un-poor primarily- the ideal African government must ensure that any leftover vestige of competence related to the said project is evicted immediately.

They should then set about building their own ham-fisted capacity-development effort that will last for all of five minutes before the next government comes in and wipes it all away again.

For example, on Wednesday, February 26, there is a Fintech conference organised by the Centre for Law and Business at the Lagos Oriental Hotel.

While the private sector types will be there to learn new things and network, a proper African government will send representatives there using outrageously inflated charter flights from Abuja, only so they can sample all the menu options, sleep through most of the programme and cavort with shapely damsels after hours.

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After all next year, a new set of faces will be there at the conference to do the rigmarole all over again.

The proper way to go about African governance is to hit the metaphorical reset button and restart the entire country from scratch every four years.

Yes, in the process people will probably die of broken hearts, unfulfilled dreams and old age, but who are the people doing the dying? Not the un-poor, that’s for sure.

In fact, this process of hitting reset every few years and ensuring that the concept of governmental continuity is as African as sauerkraut is important for another reason that is covered in the third point on our four-point agenda.

Point 3 – Be wasteful. Be very, very wasteful

Probably the most defining feature of the ideal African governance system must be how much time, money and resources it wastes by design.

You see it is important to remember that as feudalists, our job as the un-poor rulers of the world’s largest population of people living in extreme, multidimensional poverty is not to improve their lives. Our job is to eat them.

Improving their lives and lifting them out of poverty is directly antithetical to our existential goal of feasting on Poverty-Broasted African Human.

So when we have a cavernous government structure and winding budget proposals ostensibly to fix this or that in their lives, again we are being disingenuous.

LCC proposes that instead of pretending to govern while nearly 100 per cent of the country’s budget on woefully inflated contracts, a bloated civil service wage bill, and repayments on debts taken out to pay other inflated wage bills, our Eternal Sovereign State of Lekkitopia should instead organise aerial cash-burning ceremonies.

These ceremonies would feature helicopters loaded with piles of burning naira notes flying over the ghettos of Iju-Ishaga and spraying them with the ashes.

They would fly over the conflict zones of Northern Nigeria, shooting tonnes of smoking naira ashes over the poor, terrified people living there.

Arguably the enrichment of their soils through naira ashes would do more for them than whatever eye-watering defense budgets are currently being diverted to Dubai and the Cayman Islands.

The specially-purchased helicopters would pour naira note ash into the swimming pool-sized potholes of Aba and Owerri, signifying to the poor therein that we whom God himself ordained as the un-poor, will never allow any of the money supposedly budgeted for their problems to get anywhere near them. We would literally rather light it on fire instead.

Think about it – it is probably a more productive use for government money than withdrawing N500 million of it every month for eight years and parking it in near-dormant bank accounts, enabling the bank to then purchase government securities and make a profit on inactive government money from the government in a never-ending cycle of wealth-concentrating, paper-shuffling mediocrity.

Why not burn the money to ashes, load the ashes into fireworks and shoot them into the sky above poor people? At least they will get to enjoy fireworks before we eat them.

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Point 4 – Above all, be arrogant and distant because poor people are not really human

At the LCC, we disapprove of Mr. President’s visit to Borno State where he expressed surprise that Boko Haram is still active, then effectively blamed the locals for their predicament.

We disapprove not because we do not agree with his delightfully arrogant, victim-blaming, patronisingly-distant message, and tone, but because we think the very visit was unnecessary.

A true African statesman like our father-in-un-poor-hood next door Paul Biya, would have summoned the people of Borno to speak to him via video link from his hotel in Geneva.

Each speaker would have exactly one minute to speak, of which 35 seconds would be spent reading out greetings, titles, and honorifics.

When the session is done, everyone would then go down on their knees, close their eyes and chant “Have mercy on us undeserving subjects, O benevolent president of ours, for we do not deserve the glory of your presence.”

President Buhari is not close to arrogant enough. He has the right idea, but the LCC will take African government arrogance to the heights that even a three-time coup plotter could not hope to achieve.

Unlike Buhari, we are not closeted feudalists playing at being fair and democratic leaders.

We are out-and-out feudalists who wish to institute a regime of Social Darwinism involving eating poor people and spraying them with ashes of burnt naira notes instead of allowing their lives to get better even slightly.

These are the things that Nigerian and African governments want to do, but cannot publicly say with their chests.

That is why we are here. The pretense is not in our manifesto. African governments promise milk and honey to poor people, then deliver stones, cacti and Okada bans.

We, on the other hand, have promised a dystopian hellscape for poor people from the jump – and that is exactly what we will deliver. Honesty and accountability (for the un-poor) is our watchword.

Join LCC today. Even if you are poor, at least you can have a front-row seat as Africa regresses into the Dark Ages.

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