By Yetunde Arebi

Hi,

This topic has remained as topical and controversial as ever and may remain so for as long as mankind exists upon the land. The piece below is a contribution from one of my readers, Ify Orji, via my e-mail. I found it interesting and instructive and I hope you will also. Ify believes infidelity is part of man’s nature and women must be prepared for the challenges it presents. If you have something to say on this topic and wish that it be published on this page, please send your contribution to the e-mail address above. Thanks!

infidelity

2 children, pregnant mother die in Minna inferno

Dear Yetunde,

Infidelity is more in men. The word infidelity is no news. It is the oldest word in marriage dictionary (if there is any) and it is a common disease in both sexes, only it is more diagnosed in men than their female counterparts. Women for long have been subjected to all sorts of despicable acts measured on them and marriage is not an exception. Many are afraid to speak out the injustice being meted out on them by these ‘beast men’ due to many reasons. That is why many ladies are afraid to go into marriage as a result of this disease in men.

Some encourage themselves to go into it, bearing in mind that all that is good or evil is the attitude of the will. Yes, of course parents can only give good advice or put children, sons in this instance, on the right path, but the final formation of a person’s character lies in their hands. The deadly disease called infidelity or cheating has been eating many marriages and is still eating them like cancer worms today. It can only be cured by the divine intervention from above. You may sit for hours at your table in your closet thinking what could be the cause of infidelity without coming close to a definite answer. Are we to blame it on God or nature?

Infidelity has caused so much pain, agony and subsequently death in many marriages. Those who have the courage move on since it is said that if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. For those who felt they could take it, they fight back with their last blood or revenge. In recent times, we have witnessed the dimension ‘revenge’ has taken in several relationships, causing more pain and anguish in the families of the victims. It takes nine months to make a man, but the issue of infidelity will take ages to conquer, since men see it as a title conferred on them by their spirit being. As a woman, you cannot complain because you are the weaker vessel, you cannot seek advice from the elders because nature allows it, you cannot seek legal advice simply because you don’t understand the 1999 constitution. Pastors tell you ‘till death do you part’, then, to whom shall we go for help?

I have come to know that if you cry about what is going on around you, you will be crying all the time. One cannot rule out    marriage except you have decided to be an old maid in your parents’ house, which they will not tolerate also. So encourage yourself and get married. But bear in mind as both of you are exchanging the marriage vows, his might be void, just merely paying lip service to the occasion. For him to take you as his lawful wedded wife, he will trash you; to love you, he will leave you lonely and to cherish you is to cheat you out of his home if possible with the children; till death do you part, will become before death do you part.

My fellow ladies, let us not be carried away by their promises of paradise when we fall in love and agree to marry them. Let us find solution before it is dark, to what lies ahead of us in the so called marriage. You may be lucky today, you are not sure of tomorrow. The best husband today might be infected tomorrow with this communicable disease of infidelity that is moving so fast among men in our society today. Will you be favoured tomorrow? If we learn that life and love are cruel, then we have come to terms that nature is partial.

Death is present in life, death is equally present in life, and death is equally present in love, so these two words (life and love) co-exist. Every woman wishes for a happy marriage but life, love and nature play a different ball game in their marriages. Just as when you are tender, you wish yourself every good thing this life entails, but as you grow older, you realise that life plays a different game altogether. Though we still have few principled men out there, infidelity cannot be ruled out totally.

Women should not allow their men to subject them into full house wives because this is the area they use to ensure that you do not know what is happening or what they are up to. This is not part of love, rather it is subjection. Don’t feel excited because he asked you to sit 24 hours to take care of the home and kids, so, he is the most loving husband. The day you will understand that 13 is very similar to B will be the day he jilts you for another woman. It will then dawn on you that you have been a fool all this while. Don’t sit in front of the mirror all day painting as if you are going for a beauty pageant, seek for something useful and engage yourself. Be prudent as a woman, don’t allow yourself to be fooled by these uncircumcised men.

While building your home, build yourself so that you can be ready to withstand whatever comes your way. What I am saying happened to a dear friend of mine who stayed with me once. She got married in the year 2000 and by 2005, the husband left her for another woman. He left her with the two children of the marriage to start a new life with another woman. Much as I would have loved to tell you how it all went down, space will not permit. But the fact of the matter is that they are apart today. At the apex of her suffering after he left, she lost the last (second) child of the family who was a year and three months old at the time as a result of malnutrition and other medical complications.

That a man could be wicked, so callous to treat his blood so cruelly as to be giving his family N100 daily feeding allowance! The death of the child was pathetic. We (her group of friends) had to be sending recharge cards for her to sell to eat and to eventually pay for transportation fare to come over to Lagos because they lived in the South-East. We encouraged her in the ways we could and she later started working to pay for the other child’s upkeep. Though the money was small, she had to start somewhere. That is why I said women should engage themselves.

The only consolation a woman has in her marriage are her children, which are the joy of every home. Forget all the other stories they tell you. A woman has no say in a marriage if there are no children. Love and care might be taken away from you, but children are all you have got. So, will you sit back and watch them die while crying for the love and attention of a man who is ruled only by his libido and other considerations that does not include you?

You and I know the worst thing that can happen to a woman is the loss of her child and not the loss of her man. You alone felt pain for nine months, you alone suffered the pain during labour; you alone bore the pain after birth and you alone watched the child grow. You can still do something to make them live and become your joy and consolation. Don’t sit and watch them suffer or die because you are disturbed (emotional and physical) by your husband’s cheating.

There is more to life than focusing on an unfaithful husband. Life is too short for you to think all through for ages. Women, stand up, wipe your tears and think no more about infidelity. How many times have you seen a man whose wife was caught cheating mopping around, being emotionally, psychologically and physically sick and sulking all over the place to the neglect of himself, job or business and even friends and family? Only women do that. It is not that they are not hurt, but they are quick to recover and shake it off, because they know that life is more than that. They know they either forget it and continue to love the woman and focus on other things, or they move to get another wife and children. Besides, if they can have their way with cheating on you with other women, what is the guarantee that they cannot have another set of children with them?

Women, look at your children and put a smile on your face, tell yourself that with them and your effort, seen and blessed by God, you have all that is important in life. Do not change because your husband is unfaithful to you. If you plant perseverance, you will reap success. If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles or even illness and if you are ill, you may die. And do not do anything stupid to soil minds of your children against you as a mother because if you do, you may live to suffer all the days of your life. If you decide to play the game too because your husband does, you will have your children to face in they find out. There is a saying that it is not the day you cut down a tree that you use it as firewood. Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is like what we think of it, the tree is the real thing. All I know is, decency is in the blood. No woman can stop her husband from cheating, it is a decision he alone can take.

Do have a wonderful weekend!!