By Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who was about to get married for the second time. My friend, who I will call Becky, was in her late-forties. Her fiancé was a widower, let us call him Mr Ben, and was approximately ten years older than her. On the face of it, they were ideally matched, two lonely souls who had found each other and were looking towards a fresh start.  I usually pride myself in minding my own business and not getting involved in the personal affairs of other adults. However, Becky asked me if I had any advice for her as she was about to proceed with this union. I asked her a number of questions, and then we spent quite a bit of time going over her plans for financial security. 

Becky had worked hard all the years I had known her. After her first marriage ended, she had custody of her two children. Even if her ex had been a disappointing husband, he was a decent father. Some years after their divorce, her husband passed away. He willed his assets to their two children. Becky managed these assets on their behalf.In addition to this, she was mindful of the fact that she was a single parent, so she was not frivolous with resources and she had assets of her own. Both children were doing well in the UK. Becky’s fiancé had three grown-up children. Two of them lived outside the country, the last one was in Nigeria but not living with his father.

This meant the new couple would not have to deal with the usual drama of living with blended families. I was however concerned for my friend. I had seen and heard of too many cases of older men marrying younger women only for these women to end up being short-changed. The narrative is always about women as gold-diggers and men as the innocent victims. I told Becky that she needed to do two things. First, she should have an open and honest conversation with her fiancé about finances and what their future together would look like. Second, she needed legaladvice. She should ensure that whatever she brought into the union remained hers and in her name, and if she had not done so already, she needed to transfer her children’s assets to them. I told her, ‘I am sure you are in love, but sometimes, love is not enough’. 

I then told her the story of a woman years ago. Auntie Lola was from a prominent Yoruba family, and she was an accomplished woman in her own right. She fell in love with an older man, let us call him Uncle Bob.  His first wife had left many years before. He had children the same age as Auntie Lola. He was a wealthy man, who loved the good life. He travelled the world with Auntie Lola, and they made a lovely couple, in spite of the age difference. Then Uncle Bob fell ill and passed away. After the funeral service, Auntie Lola went back to the home they shared, to find that the house had been locked up. One of the children had taken the keys away and did not return for hours.  It turned out that this was not a mistake, it was deliberate. The guests and family members who went back to the house with Auntie Lola had to hang around in the garden.

When Uncle Bob’s Will was read, it was discovered that the only thing he had left to Auntie Lola was the right to live on in the house. She did not own it, it belonged to his estate. If she remarried, she would have to leave. She had no businesses in her name. There was some cash, but his children sat on the will and refused to support her. The friends of Uncle Bob who tried to intercede were told to stay out of it.  Auntie Lola was understandably distraught, she did not expect to be treated that way because ‘she had loved him’. She was a Lawyer who had barely practiced, she had been swept off her feet by this rich, handsome older man. She kept their several homes, cared for him, hosted endless events with him, travelled with him, and nursed him day and night towards the end. The one thing she did not do was read the room. Being locked out of her own home after burying her husband was the first of many messages she would get about where she belonged. She eventually left the country to go and live in the United Kingdom.

Becky’s mouth was wide open by the time I had finished telling the cautionary tale of Auntie Lola. Becky had the conversation with Mr Ben andshe also spoke to her lawyer. It turned out that Mr Ben was also thinking about his change in circumstances, and was putting his affairs in order so he could protect his own children as well as his new spouse. They are both happy and I wish them many years of joy and happiness together.

 I decided to write this because of all the controversy that has been going around recently, about the Will of a late wealthy industrialist. The Will allegedly had a stipulation that his much younger wife can inherit designated assets but cannot remarry, otherwise she forfeits the inheritance.  This clause has been around for a while, and young women who marry much older partners who have already had a partner or more, should expect this. If you are getting married to a much older partner, no one is saying love is not your motivation, but you should not deceive yourself about what your expectations should be.

Your rich elderly husband is giving you financial security and whatever else comes with marrying such a person. Why do you think you have no value of your own? You are bringing youth, beauty, fertility, and companionship to the table, so it is only fair that your partner understands this and makes it worth your while. Making it worth your while is not the same thing as being pampered with designer bags, cars, wigs and vacations that can be shown off on social media  Whether it is further education, a viable business, tangibleassets in your name, security for your children, this ought to be a clear transaction. Since we do not seem to encourage pre-nuptial agreements in this part of the world, the least young brides can do under these circumstances is be bold enough to have the necessary discussions and negotiations.

I also feel sad when I see hard working women who are wealthy, and in the name of ‘love’, lose most of their fortune to men. Yes, patriarchy tells us that women are the ones who are gold-diggers, but there is silence about the age-old culture of male predators who scam and scheme and leave women not only broken-hearted but almost penniless. It is important for women to become as financially literate as possible, and also learn about estate planning, so that all your sweat and blood does not fall into the hands of a ‘fine boy’ who will spend it on other women and children that are not yours.

 If you are a young, unmarried woman reading this, please pay attention. Do not take your livelihood for granted. If you come across a man who wants to marry you and says you cannot make your own money, run the other way. If you are marrying a much older partner who has had a family/families before you, do not be naïve. Be clear about what your expectations are, insist on a path to financial security and not just luxury items that depreciate. It does not make you a ‘gold-digger’, it makes you smart. Let us say you are indeed a ‘gold digger’, your elderly beau is also a ‘cradle snatcher’. A pretty, twenty-something year old Lawyer will not marry an oldfisherman, unless he owns the entire lake and all the fishing boats on it.

For women who have their own wealth, you need to plan according to your circumstances. If you are unmarried, secure your assets before you say, ‘I do’. If you are with the husband of your youth, have conversations about assets that will be joint or separate. If you are an older woman of wealth who is marrying/remarrying, please be careful and smart. Do not let anyone manipulate or guilt trip you into parting with your hard-earned resources. You will be making yourself and your children vulnerable.

We all need to be aware of our unique circumstances. Hopefully we will not have anything to worry about. Remember, all the choices we make come with consequences.

•Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Leadership Coach, Policy Advocate and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at [email protected]