By Bunmi Sofola

FROM time to time, you run into couples who look so wrong together you wonder what the attraction is.  And, there are couples you see and are convinced their union is ordained from heaven.  But these assumptions could be far-fetched at times.  Take Lisa’s case for instance.  She’s been married for four years and has this to say about her husband: “I’m married to a fantastic man, good looking, intelligent, kind and everything you could possibly want in a man.  On top of which he runs a very successful business and we live in our own house.

“The problem is he doesn’t turn me on sexually – he really hasn’t.  I was busy pursuing a career and single for a long time before I met him and he was so easy to fall in love with.  All my friends were jealous and he really impressed me in every way.  Only now that we’re married, I find myself avoiding’ having sex with him and flirting with other men.  He simply doesn’t turn me on at all.  This is really confusing.  I look at him and think: ‘Wow, you’re great looking!

“Don’t get me wrong, I do love him very much, but he just does nothing for me sexually.  Is this normal do you think?  Does this happen to everyone?  I want to stay with him but I also want a marriage that includes good sex.  I could leave him and find someone else as we only have a toddler, but then I’d be leaving a man I really love.  If I left, he would be snapped up in an instant and I might regret my decision.  I wish there is a way I could make myself fancy him…”

The problem is, there are a lot of Lisas all over the world in the same dilemma.  What’s missing here is chemistry – that ‘spark’ you feel with some people and not others, for no apparent reasons.  Chemistry is what separates a good relationship from a great one.  It’s usually there from the very, very start and it’s often the glue that sticks couples together when things get tough.  Unfortunately, chemistry can – and often does – disappear over time, dampened by the monotony of monogamy, leaving couples in exactly the place Lisa currently is.

RELATIONSHIP ‘experts’ will tell Lisa her situation is doomed.  That if chemistry isn’t there at the start, it’s not possible to make it happen.  But Lisa has an edge – she loves, respects and likes her husband.  She might not have the ‘spark’ but she has a lot of other things going for her relationship.

“Lisa is not asking for that chemistry to be created,” says Roli, a relationship counsellor.  “She’s asking if it’s possible to make herself fancy someone she still love and the answer is yes.  Desire is a decision; In the beginning, we’re infused with all sorts of hormones that make us as horny as a teenager.  We don’t have to work at turning ourselves on.  Once the hormone wears off and the drudgery of real life kicks back in, desire isn’t so automatic if you don’t start deliberately doing things to turn yourselves on, the relationship becomes more friendly than sex-based.  Sexually savvy couples realise the trick to long term lust is to turn yourself on, rather than to expect your partner to do it for you.

“Lisa has a great husband.  She wants to stay in her marriage.  She also has a healthy libido because she fancies other men, all she needs is turn it in wards by tapping into that desire and build it by “masturbating, reading erotic books fantasising about anything and everything that turns her on (including other men if she wants – 50 per cent of us fantasise about someone other than our partner when having sex a few years into a relationship.  She should turn herself on by her own thoughts, rather than trying to be turned on by her husband specifically – then teach  him the techniques that work for her.  If she closes her eyes and fantasises and he’s doing the right things with his hands, tongue and other bits sex can be satisfying.

“Once she’s had a few sessions that work this way, her brain and body will start to link her husband with good sex.  And she’ll start to fancy him.  This might sound callous but it’s what couples with healthy sex drives do instinctively over time.  It’s not easy to make love to the same person and enjoy it for the rest of your life.”

HOW TO BE A CLOSE COUPLE

Once the honeymoon period wears off, so does the good behaviour.  But kindness is the flue that keeps couples together, according to top relationship experts.  Follow these four simple rules:

(a) Say “good morning” Research shows 94 per cent of couples who turn off the alarm and turnover to say this to each other everyday rate their relationships as excellent. Why? It’s positive to insinuate that your partner is the reason you’ve woken so happy.

(b)Praise each other in public, it beats private praise because it says you’re proud of your partner and want the world to know.  Even better if it is personal and specific.

(c)Don’t cut each other off:  Everyone needs to talk and be listened to.  If your partner is silent, it usually means they’re tired of being talked over.

(d)Say “thank you”.  Not just for things your partner does specifically for you but for things they do for the relationship.  “Thanks for booking the restaurant for our anniversary…”

HOW MATERIALISATIC ARE YOU?  (HUMOUR)

A businessman parks his new Porsche in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues.  But as he gets out of the car, a lorry speeds past and takes the door clean off.  The businessman grabs his mobile and calls the Police.  Five minutes later, an officer arrives.  “My beautiful Porsche is completely ruined!” the man screams, hysterical with anger.

The officer shakes his head, unable to conceal his disgust.  “I can’t believe how materialistic you’re,” he says.  “You business people are so focused on possessions, you don’t notice anything else in your life.”  “How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” the Porsche owner sobs.  The policeman replies: “Well, didn’t you even realise your right arm was torn off when the truck zoomed past?”  The man looks down in horror.  “Oh, my God!  “he shrieks.  “Where’s my Rolex?”