Relationships

March 24, 2024

Why sex with your ex could be therapeutic!

Why sex with your ex could be therapeutic!

By Bunmi Sofola

There’s no explaining the function of the heart (head?) when it comes to sex.  One minute, you’re seemingly happily married, the next you want nothing to do with your ex and head straight for the divorce court.  At the end of it all, you feel relieved.  Once in a while, you might have to talk to your ex to iron out a few things and you start looking at him in a different light.  Did you make a horrible mistake by throwing him over?  After all, there’s no new lover to bunk, and this is your ex, who knows every inch of your body, ready to even do more for you in the bedroom.  Should you go for it?

Enyi, a fairly successful auto dealer said he couldn’t believe his luck when his ex agreed to have sex with him a few years after their divorce sailed through.  “After the birth of our son,” he explained, “Pamela my wife simply let herself go and I didn’t find her attractive anymore.  The sex was also boring and I couldn’t get out fast enough.  We both went our separate ways and this must have been a wake-up call for her.  She lost weight and even had lovers.  I wondered what it would be like bonking her again and it was amazing.  She’s more experienced and I feel myself wanting to be with her all over again.  Do you think the good sex will last?”

What Enyi is experiencing is not new but it is rare.  The sexologist, whose opinion I sort has this to say: “Great sex is a huge plus in any relationship but, sadly, just because you’re getting on better in bed it doesn’t mean you’ll get on better out of it.  The reason why sex is great months after your divorce is because all the frustration, anger and resentment that were responsible for the demise of your marriage has disappeared.  You’ve both forgotten the bad bits, idealized the good and are enjoying the consequently lovely sex reunited exes often experienced – temporarily.

“Divorce is nearly always painful, messy and horribly upsetting.  You’ve both now had the chances to recover, lick your wounds and feel stronger.  Seeing each other again when you’re both on your best behaviour helps in shroud those shared memories in a warm, fuzzy tog or romantic idealism.  Of course, sex is better than when Enyi left because it’s familiar, so it feels safe but forbidden because you’re not supposed to sleep with your ex-wife.  On the other hand, she’s eager to show off the new tricks she’s learned to impress him and reinforce that even if he didn’t want her, other men do.

“Your initial attraction to your wife was physical and yet the marriage did not last.  Again, the attraction here is physical, she looks great again, and the lusty sex is back.  Both are dodgy reasons to return because they can each change so quickly.  Who’s to say the wife won’t become cuddly again if, say, she has a second child?  Lust is often drowned by domesticity.  Successful long term relationships are based on qualities that don’t easily alter, like personality, intelligence, a sense of humour and kindness.  In Enyi’s case, he’s not mentioned any reasons for reconciliation that are not related to sex or appearance.  The time to try again is when both of the parties have worked out what went wrong the first time.  Both of them must be willing to change and have sensible strategies of how to stop it falling apart again, there is no evidence of that having happened here….

“Phew,” exclaimed Enyi after I’d explained all this (grammar) to him.  “All I’m saying is that we’re now having good sex.  It is mind blowing, it is fun, so what if it lasts or if it doesn’t, for now it is heady, and we both like it.  I’m not beating a path to the altar for now even if another child results from all these.  I want more children, would want them to come from her.  But marriage?  I’m not going down that route again with any woman not even my ex!”

How To Avoid Toxic Beauty Treatments

Beauty treatments are big business and it’s easy to buy into the latest, greatest products.  But beware – behind some of your favourites, dangers may lurk.  Here beauty experts warn on some of the products and inherent dangers.

Hair Dye:-    It is estimated that 40% of women dye their hair at some point, with women who regularly dye their hair spending a small fortune a year on trips to the salon.  But could we be doing ourselves more harm than good?  You can probably guess from the strong smell of hair dye that it is full of harsh chemicals, but some studies have suggested that prolonged exposure to hair dye might increase our risk of bladder and blood cancer.

The chemical p-Phenylenediamine (PPD), found in may permanent hair dyes, has even been linked to deaths, where users have suffered extremely severe allergic reactions.

Manicures and pedicures:-   Having our nails done is a go – to quick fix for many of us when we fancy a beauty overhaul.  But before you hit the nail hair or start layering your polish on at home, there are a few things to bear in mind.  Some chemicals in nail polish could be bad for our health.  The EU has banned the use of toluene and dibutyl phlhalale in cosmetics, as they have been linked to reproductive problems.  However, small amounts of formaldehyde, a cancer-causing compound, are still sometimes used.  It is also worth looking out for shared instruments at beauty salons not being cleaned properly which can lead to infection or fungal growth.

Expert advise:-   Paint your nails in a well-ventilated space and go for salons that are less busy and have more time to clean up and sterilise equipments between clients.  If you have concerns about the ingredients in nail polish, check the packaging before you buy.

Teeth whitening:-   From Film Stars to TV presenters, a dazzling white smile is the in thing right now.  But the chemicals used in home kits can burn the gums if they are unhealthy or inflamed, cause blistering and lead to increased teeth sensitivity.

Expert advice:-  If you’ve decided to use a do-it-yourself kit, speak to your dentist first for advice, and have them check the health of your gums.  If you’re planning to have a professional treatment, make sure the dental clinic is a reputable one.

Scrubbing in the shower:-  A refreshing shower when we wake up may seem the perfect start to the day.  But our shower gets or exfoliating scrubs could contain harmful chemicals.  For example, increase levels of an ingredient called mcthyliscolhiazolinonc (MI) – which appears in house paints and is used to extend the shelf life of shower gels, moisturisers and sun-creams, have been linked to painful rashes, itchy eyes and blistering skin.

Expert advice:-  Always look at the ingredients in your products and where possible, go for natural or organic ranges.  If you have any type of reaction to a product, stop using it straightaway.