By Bunmi Sofola

DENIKE’s life was a blessed life.  She lived in an imposing five-bedroom home – a house surrounded by a beautiful garden where she and her three children relaxed most afternoons.  Her husband earned a lot of money running a lucrative haulage business and Denike had to leave her air-hostess job to go into the sort of self-employment that would leave her plenty of time for the children.  Lucky her?  You might think so, but not Denike.  She walked out on this very scenario – leaving behind her two sons and a daughter along with her elderly mother who’d been living with them – to start a new life with an old flame!  Even more surprising is the fact that she did it for a man whose infidelity broke her heart some 24 years ago.

“I don’t for one moment regret leaving my seemingly perfect life,” she said.  “It was the best thing I’ve ever done and was surprisingly easy once I’d made up my mind.  But before I’m condemned for breaking up the perfect family, I need to stress that my children mean the world to me and leaving the life I had with them has never been about leaving them as people.  It’s about grabbing on to happiness – and giving the man who once broke my heart a second chance.  To many, this may sound selfish, but it’s a choice a lot of modern women are making: the pursuit of ‘happiness’ at any cost.  True love is such a rare thing, if you find it, you have to grab it with both hands”.

Brought up by well-heeled parents, ‘Denike hankered after a glamorous existence and landed an air-hostess job straight from the university.  She was on a long haul international flight when she met Gbenga, her first husband.  The fact that he was married with a four-year-old son didn’t faze her, so they started an affair.  “I was pursued by Gbenga – a very charming man.  I was flattered and being young and selfish, I didn’t give much thought to the fact he was already married.  Six months later, we were living together and I was expecting our first child together.  My dad died a few years after and I sold the house he left me to help complete payment for the family house which was big enough to accommodate us and my mother.

“To anyone looking on, my life must have seemed perfect.  I shopped in designer clothes stores, we travelled abroad from time to time and our home was beautiful.  But for all my material possession, I wasn’t really happy.  Over time, my marriage to Gbenga cooled and the passion dwindled.  I was bored.  I had this feeling that there was something missing in my life.  Divorce was not an option at this juncture.  I wanted to make my marriage work.  Gbenga had left his wife for me.  And he was a good father who worked hard to provide for his family.

“Then six years ago, at a close friend’s birthday party, another friend told me she ran into my childhood boyfriend at a shopping mall.  We’d had a passionate nine-month fling when I was 18.  Zac, then 28, was a ladies’ man who oozed charisma.  He had a good job then but I came tumbling down from cloud nine after discovering he’d slept with another girl.  So I wasn’t all that impressed when this friend told me she saw Zac. Six months later, she brought him to my office.  He was as flirty as ever and when my friend told him I was married with three kids, he retorted he was divorced with four.  We chatted away like old friends and I never let on I was unhappy in my marriage.

“Four months after, we met again at a mutual friend’s house.  As soon as it was ‘safe’, he moved in to kiss me and I responded.  I knew it could be a life-changing moment, we were kissing like teenagers.  It was hard to tear myself away, but I’d arranged for my husband to pick me up and I left as soon as he came in.  I did feel a bit guilty on the way home.  My marriage may not have been the best Gbenga was possessive and there were rows – but I adored my children.  I want to hurt them, but all that night, I couldn’t sleep for thinking about Zac next day, Zac said that he too had been sleepless, thinking of me.  We chatted as often as we could on the phone until we arranged to have lunch a few weeks later, Zac booked a hotel near the restaurant.  I couldn’t help going to the hotel with him afterwards.  Zac said he was in love with me and that afternoon marked the start of our affair.

“It was just a matter of months before Gbenga cottoned on to what was going on.  Mum had collapsed one afternoon and was rushed to the hospital.  He tried to get in touch with me but my phone was in the silent mode.  By the time I got home, mum had been hospitalised for a minor heart attack.  Enraged, he asked me if  I  was seeing someone else 

and I couldn’t deny it.  ‘How could you do this to me?’ he raged.  He slept in the guest room, and the next day, after we’d had a talk on the affair, he said he couldn’t be with me any more, that he left his first wife for the same reason.

“Since mum lived with us, Gbenga said I couldn’t take the children.  I didn’t put up any protest – the children had grown up in a lovely big home, went to great schools and had all their friends nearby.  It wouldn’t be fair to them more because I wouldn’t be able to provide all that for them where I was going.  Zac’s a digital media company in another state, so I moved in to be near his job – some 50 miles away from my family.

“My friends were appalled by my behaviour and openly accused and criticized me.  They thought I was insane to even be thinking about leaving my family and beautiful home for a less successful man.  My best friend was horrified and asked: ‘How do you know Zac has changed?  It’s not worth the risk.  But I knew Zac was worth taking the risk – I was madly in love with him.  When I eventually left, I was so guilty – riddled that I visited the children often.  They took the break-up badly.  They were naturally upset and although they never asked me not to go, they did ask why I was leaving.  I told them frankly I no longer loved their father and that I’d fallen for another man.  He was a good man, I stressed, and I was sure they’d like him.  There were a few tears – mainly mine – but I put my arms around them and reassured them how much I loved them.

“The divorce was finalised four years ago and we got married shortly after.  At 47, I’m lucky to find deep love again.  I believe that women who leave a marriage are much more harshly criticised than men who do the same thing.  I did not leave on a whim:

“My relationship with the children is stronger than ever.  Despite what people may think, my children have adapted quickly.  Their father has moved on; and is in another relationship and he and I get on well for the sake of the children.  I know I can hold my head high because I’ve done what’s best for them.”