By Bunmi Sofola

IT is impossible to go through the loss of someone you love and not be deeply affected by it.  I think I knew when my girlfriend died that I would never be the same again.  That my views, attitudes, outlook and philosophy would be different. 

Ten years on, I’m a different person to the one I would have been had she not died.  And while deep in your soul you miss the person every day, the intense pain gets less with time – either that or you understand it more and live with it – but that itself is very comforting.  You have to accept and assimilate the effect of your loss into your life.  Only then can you start to deal with it….”

Anayo, now in his late thirties met Flora in the bank they both worked for and got closer when they were paired together to source for funds and make contacts with important clients when the need arose.  “She was a very beautiful and intelligent woman,” confessed Anayo; “and the day she agreed for us to have a relationship was the happiest day of my life.”  After a few years of the most wonderful period of my life, we agreed to get married and we started looking for the ideal flat for us.  By the time we found one, she was  already pregnant.

“I was really ecstatic as we made plans for the wedding and the coming baby.  With the flat and the coming baby eating the chunk of our savings we decided to put the wedding plans in the cooler until after the baby arrived.  Flora became even more beautiful with her advancing pregnancy.

She’d always been very self-conscious about her bum-calling it hideous. But to me, her curves were perfect.  I remember vividly the night we made love and I wrote:  ‘lovely wobbly great bum’ across her bum with a felt pen thinking it would wash away with her bath.  She said she was hurt with embarrassment when she visited her doctor the next day, and had to strip – and he could read the graffiti!  Memories like that will for ever be with me.

“When she went into labour, I was with her when our beautiful daughter was born.  I’d scarcely left the hospital when I got a call from the office that I should come quickly.  Flora had started haemorrhaging and was very weak.  Within hours, she was dead – just like that.

“Just when you think you couldn’t possibly be happier, fate has a way of dealing you a painful blow in the solar plexus!  I just couldn’t believe what was happening to me as I looked at the peaceful face of Flora – it was as if she was sleeping.

“When the shock of her death started to wear off, the pain crashed in.  My whole body ached with grief and I hurt physically.  And the fear!  I was petrified of trying to go on without her.  I didn’t know if I could – I’d never felt so alone in my life.  Going back to our flat was just excruciating – everything was still there just as it always was.  Her towel was still in the bathroom, and all her hair things were still strewn all over the place.  Only Flora wasn’t there.  And never would be again.

“As we planned for her funeral, I had to make arrangements for our daughter whom I’d named after her mother.  My parents died a long time ago but Flora’s mother, as grief-stricken as she was, happily agreed to look after little Flora.  I was really grateful to her for that.

“In the end, I had to let our flat go – it was too painful to stay in a flat that held so much happy memories in the midst of my pain.  I never got rid of the feeling that Flora would walk through the door.  Now, 10 years on, I still think of her every day.  What with little Flora looking like her mother as she grows older.  I have since remarried with two little boys.  My wife agreed to have two children as three are all we prayed for in our family.  Little Flora lives with us now and I’m secretly glad that there is no other daughter in the family to share the affection I have for her.  I love my wife of course, but the love I feel for her is nothing like the one I shared with Flora.”

Tests To Show How Fit You Are For Your Age

No matter how inevitable ageing is, a lot of us want to prolong the process.  Recently, a renowned personal trainer, Robert Cartwright, and a chartered physiotherapist Sammy Margo came up with simple tests and tips to find out if you’re as healthy as you should be and what you can do if you’re not.

If you’re in your 20s – The Test:   Set a stopwatch on your mobile phone to two minutes and count how many press-ups you can manage within this time.  Afterwards try the same with sit-ups.  Finally, run for around one mile – this can even include chasing your kids around – and time how long it takes.

Results:  At this state most exercise shouldn’t be a problem.  On average, you should be able to do 30 press-ups in two minutes and 50 sit-ups.  It should take 10 minutes or less to run one mile.

Improve your fitness:  In your 20s, you should have lots of energy and it’s an important decade for building good exercise habits while you are in good health and have time.  Try to get into the habit of mixing cardio and strength training.  Good workouts include circuit classes, running, cycling and lifting weights.

In your 30s – The Test:  Run 1.5 miles at a comfortable pace, recording your distance on a treadmill or on a fitness – tracker mobile app.

Results:  In your 30s you might not have the energy that you had when you were in your 20s, which means you will have to work harder, but ideally you should still be able to run 1.5 miles in 16 minutes or less.

Improve your fitness:  Make an effort to still fit sport or exercise into your daily day-to-day life.  You could cycle to work or take your family swimming at the weekends.  Flexibility decreases in your 30s, so try to take part in a yoga session once a week too.

In your forties – The Test:   Find a high step or block of about 12 inches.  Step up unto the step and off again, one foot at a time for three minutes.  Then count the pulse in your wrist to measure your heart rate.

Result:  An average for a woman in her 40s to 60s should be 96-100 beat per minutes.

Improve Your Fitness:  It is normal for people to put on weight more easily in their 40s, but boosting your physical activity can knock years off your body age.  Try functional training, which prepares your body for everyday tasks by simulating common movements you might do at home or at work.

For example, doing squats help you to get up and out of a chair more easily or doing lunges helps you lift more, run faster and improves your posture.

In your 50s – The Test:   This exercise will test your muscle strength, balance flexibility and agility.  It is notoriously difficult, so it may take practise.  It’s not recommended for anyone with arthritic knees.  Stand in front of a mirror in comfortable clothes with no shoes on.  Without using your hands for support or kneeling on the way down, lower yourself into a cross-legged sitting position on the floor.  Then without using your hands, knees or arms for support, return to the standing position.  Score how you do out of 10, subtracting one point every time you have to use a hand or knee for support, and half a point for every time you wobble or lose balance.

Results:  You should aim to score eight or above.

Improve your fitness:  You might start to get more aches and pain in this decade and your blood pressure can increase,  but exercise can help.  Walk to places such as the shops instead of driving, and aim to do 10,000 steps per day.  Swimming, dancing or carrying out household chores such as scrubbing the floor or mowing the lawn can help too.