By Dr. Ugoji Egbujo

Politicians are a special breed. Once Hilda Baci’s attempt at the Cookathon world record caught the attention of the public, politicians saw an opportunity. Some wore new clothes and headed to the venue and others crafted love messages.

By the time the 27-year-old had cooked for 100hrs and shattered the record, governors, senators and all three major presidential candidates had visited or sent messages. They used Hilda Baci. The same people who had collectively broken the world record in corruption and production of out-of-school children danced with Hilda to seduce the suffering public.

If Hilda Baci had depended on the govt to organize the event so she could maximize her potential and showcase her talent to the world, that event would have flopped. But let’s allow our politicians to revel in Bacimania with us. Had they been in charge, the time clock would have gone off midstream or the kitchen would have run out of gas halfway.

Then the govt would have set up a board inquiry to determine remote and probable causes of the national embarrassment. After all the hullabaloo over the matter, the committee’s report would never have been seen. Perhaps it would be seen many years later after declassification and deployment to be employed to wrap boli.

The Immigration Service still can’t produce passport booklets which are paid for by the intending public in advance. Nigerians queue for months after applying and paying for international passports. But we can allow our morally flabby and indolent politicians to hang around Hilda and revel drunkenly in her success. After all, they are our brothers and uncles. But had the event depended on them, they would have left Hilda as frustrated as many athletes in Nigeria.

In times past Mary Onyali and Falilat Ogunkoya did great things. Many other Hilda Bacis used to compete in the local Mobil athletics event as a springboard to International stardom. That was before the national stadium was allowed to fall into disuse and Iroko trees found the effrontery to sprout on the football pitch of the main bowl, the shrine where Segun Odegbami and Muda Lawal had entertained God and man. 

Hilda Baci is no slouch so she must have taken the show of affection by politicians with an overdose of cooking salt. Buhari couldn’t come or call. He was with his dentists in London. So it fell on Osinbajo to call Hilda and tell her sweet nothings from a grateful nation. That’s how we show love and motivate the youth. Generally, that’s how we love Jesus and Mohammed. We mouth it. We are loud and showy. But to stage that successful Cookathon, Hilda must have hired one hard-working electric generator and kept two or three others on standby and poured libation to the gods.

That’s how to be diligent, to run shows, in Nigeria. Yes, Hilda wouldn’t have taken any chances. To have relied on the national grid which has the stability of a drunkard would have been naivety. Thank God Siemens have come. Because we privatised power a decade ago the way we share party meat. That is why we are the world record holder in blackouts and Powerlessness. 

Hilda was a political opportunity. So politicians came and identified with her. One of them who had been playing hide and seek with the EFCC over possible money laundering charges came with his friends to the kitchen and promised to reward her. Hilda was perhaps unlucky that a certain governor from the Niger Delta was busy packing out his belongings from the state house. Had he been free and tipsy he would have stormed the venue with his band and donated hundreds of millions of naira to Hilda as he did to wives of Lagos state govt officials who lionized him a few months ago. 

Hilda went out of her way to attempt a world record. She trained and preserved. She planned and perhaps prayed. If the politicians would emulate Hilda and dare to dream of breaking positive world records in their constituencies and government agencies, the standard of living of Nigerians would be lifted. But our politicians have earned the international reputation of being fantastically corrupt. So they would rather cook a world record than strive for excellence to break any.

That’s why every crooked politician in Nigeria gets one of the highest national honours and gets the best awards from the noblest media houses. Fortunately, however, the census has been postponed. Newspaper reports say about 200 billion naira has already been spent. It could have been worse. The cunning politicians would have embraced abracadabra and turned that exercise into another kind of Cookathon. 

Behind closed doors, our politicians might have sneered at Hilda. Discountenance their public appearances they are Nollywood ready. Many of them who turned cheerleaders for Hilda might, in private, dismiss a Cookathon as a useless circus. But since it was an opportunity to humour the public, they showed up. Yet let’s hope that a few of them took note of the elaborate transparency of the process. Hilda was in a glass cage. Nothing was hidden.

The clock was displayed for all. Everything was timed. The rules were followed scrupulously. INEC got 300 Billion to conduct elections. They announced the rules and guidelines before the elections. During the exercise, they failed to observe their rules and gave childish excuses. Zero remorse. If INEC had been called upon to conduct that Cookathon, they would have done it in a shuttered room and told the world that it didn’t affect the result. Hilda has uploaded her process and results and they are being verified before an announcement is made. I wish Mahmood Yakubu had also gone to see Hilda. Perhaps he would have started preparing amendments to the electoral act.

Our predicament is lamentable. But let’s allow our politicians to enjoy the Bacimania with us. University College Hospital Ibadan used to be a leading centre in medical tourism in Africa. The institution achieved many firsts in medicine in Africa and rivalled other global centres in quality research. But since the last thirty years, Nigeria’s only world record in medicine has been in medical brain drain activity.

And no hospital in Nigeria can boast of any ambitions any longer. If Nigerian politicians would emulate Hilda and chase world honours in different sectors of society, Nigeria might experience a rebirth. Yet let’s permit them to revel in the Hildamania with us and fool us a little longer. 

Because the day of reckoning is near. The day when the gods or Artificial Intelligence will make it impossible for them to loot the treasury and pool wool over our eyes.