By Bunmi Sofola

Bolaji is a cherished friend I’ve known for years and he loves a good gossip.  Most of all, he’s learnt to laugh at himself from time to time no matter at what cost.  It’s always a pleasure to listen to him on the few occasions he finds the time to phone.  When he rang recently and opened the conversation with: “Your Benny has come again o!” 

My immediate reaction was; now what?  Benny is Bolaji’s niece who came to live with him when his wife Alice, took a break from their marriage and went abroad to ‘clear her head’.  Apart from leaving Bolaji free to live the bachelor life he said he’d missed, he was able to bring in Benny, who Alice didn’t really get along with, to help run the home.

“Alice is slightly jealous of her,” Bolaji once confessed.  “The poor girl lost her mother when she was in the secondary school and I’d promised my older brother to take care of her up to the university level.  Alice saw that promise as rash, since my brother wasn’t exactly destitute.  Whenever Benny came on holidays, you can see how fouled up the atmosphere was. 

But I ignored both of them especially since our three children were always glad to see her.  By the time she got into the polytechnic, she’d turned into a beauty.  Alice always complained her clothes were too revealing.  Her make-up garish and she was always running after the neighbourhood thugs. As long as her grades continued to be good, that was all that mattered to me.

“When Alice caught me almost pants down at the office with one of my ‘friends,’ she was livid.  She said she’d had enough of my shenanigans and, as part of her ‘settlement’ she was going away for a Montessori cause abroad to help her improve the standard of the school she ran that wasn’t even breaking even. 

I gave her all the money she needed and told her not to worry about the kids, Benny would look after the home.  She was in such a hurry to get away she didn’t even mind.  I got the help of a good steward to make life easier for Benny and it was as if Alice never left.  Except I now had the freedom to do as I pleased.

“I was coming home late one night when I saw Benny in front of the boys quarters sitting on a bench with Dan, the steward.  I was surprised.  Benny lived in one of the rooms in the main house, what was she doing at the boys quarters?  You remember I told you all about the incident and you laughed that they were just being friends?  I should expect that you said, as there was no adult company for Benny to relate to.”

I remembered the incident alright.  Steward or not, Dan was a sprightly bachelor who took good care of himself.  Apart from his school certificate, he did a catering and house keeping course, and he was a very good steward.  You could hardly call him an illiterate.  “Oh, does that qualify him now to be Benny’s boyfriend?” he asked then, shooting daggers at me.  They were not caught in any amorous clinch, so I asked Bolaji to chill – not everyone was as randy as he was!  Now he was on the phone, almost burning the line with his rage.

“Last week, I went to my town to see to the repairs of my house,” said Bolaji.  “Benny is of course, at the Polytechnic and a ‘mama nurse’ is now looking after the kids.  When I came back last night, the mama nurse told me I just missed Benny.  I was shocked.  The last time I heard of her was when I told her on the phone of my impending visit to our home town. 

What was she doing here knowing I was away, and why did she leave before I came back?  The mama nurse had no clue but told me to ask Dan, the steward.  She let it drop that Benny didn’t sleep in the main house.  I was livid!  I summoned Dan and asked him what Benny was doing at his quarters? 

He needn’t lie, I threatened, because the mama nurse saw everything.  He told me it was Benny who called she wanted to come over since I was away.  ‘And where did she sleep?’ I barked.  ‘With me,’ he said, avoiding my eyes; ‘You mean Benny left her comfortable room to spend a whole night with you in that poky room of yours?  You were at it all night long with her?  No wonder you were tired when I came in!’

Now I have seen this Dan character.  Quite tall and good-looking in a rustic way, any girl would be happy to be his ‘friend’.  Why shouldn’t Benny avail herself of this good fortune which was right under her nose?  I told Bolaji this and he spluttered as he told me what I could do with my liberal attitude.  “Steady on,” I said, “put yourself in that man’s shoes. 

A potential lover offered to spend the night with you, would you drive her away?”  “He’s getting everything virtually for free and I’m sure she would have fed him food from the house and ply him with my booze,” he said, still livid.  “I’ve never had any girl offer me anything on a platter – most of the time, I have to cajole and pay heftily before they play ball.”

“You can afford to pay, and your ‘conquests’ know this”, I reminded him.  “But the only thing Dan has on his side is his physique and your niece wanted a piece of that!”  “Now look here…” “You look here,” I cut in.  “You’re just jealous of the poor guy.  And you can’t hold it against your steward for knowing a good thing when he saw one.”

“If Alice gets to hear about this, I’ll be in trouble.  I’ve warned Dan not to breathe a word to anybody.  The mama nurse too.”  And what did Benny have to say about all this, I asked?  “She knew I was coming back home late last night and she hurriedly left before I arrived.  I haven’t talked to her yet. 

I know lover-boy would have been on the phone to her.  Let her stew in her own juice until I’ve cooled off enough to deal with her.  The trollop!  Can you imagine?  Spending all the money to give her a good education when all she has on her mind is sex!  And with a steward!  Doesn’t she have any class?”

He hung up after he’d let off enough steam and I felt sorry for him.  For as long as Benny’s ‘steward’ delivers, she’ll be happy to do all the running – even if Bolaji has ferocious dogs guarding her!

Between father and son  (Humour)

A successful executive decides it’s time to make a man of his son so “  he takes him down to the local brothel.  The son disappears into a room with one of the girls while he waits outside – but can’t help listening through the door.  Now the son is very well endowed and the girl gasps at the amazing sight.  As they begin the business, he takes it very gently but the girl begs for more.

“Just put it in another inch”, she says and I will “knock N500 off the price.” So he does but still she begs for more.  Another inch and I “knock off another N500”, she informs him.  And so it goes on, the girl is so delighted with the man’s performance that she promises to take off more and more money.  “Please, please”, she moans till eventually she cries, “a little bit more and it’s free”.  Now all this time, the father has been listening outside the door and when he hears this, he bursts into the room and shouts, “Move over son, leave this to me.  It’s time to make a profit”.